Happy Birthday, Alyssum

My dearest Sweet Alyssum,

Well, we did it! We survived this first year together. Not only did we just survive, but we embraced this life together. I have to say that it was one of the hardest years of my life, but it was also by far the most rewarding. You have introduced me into motherhood and all of the joys and struggles that come with it. God has used you so much already to impact my life and help me grow. My biggest lesson so far came to me on the nights that you were so sick you couldn't sleep. The Lord taught me that as you relyed on me during that time I needed to rely on Him for strength, courage and hope. Not an easy lesson to learn, but I did!

You've also impacted me with your joy! I never thought that I could have so much joy with someone's smile and the sound of another's laughter, but you have given me that pleasure. Also watching your passion and zest for life has shown me how to see life in a new way. You are so full of energy that before you could crawl you would sit there and twirl your hands and feet at the same time. Now those twirls have moved into the rest of your body. Every time you here music or the word dance, you dance. You shake your hips and move your head side to side. It's amazing to see your own style already. You scream with excitement when we play and I can't wait to hear those shouts of joy as you get older.

You are also so full of strength. Even though you were so tiny at birth, somehow we knew that you weren't as fragile as you appeared. With all of the prophesy that God gave us about you before I was even pregnant, we felt like we already knew you. God knew you before the foundations of the Earth and He felt it appropriate to give us a glimpse into who you were before we had even met you. You are very much like another woman who's strength was known by all. It is your great grandmother who's name you've been given for your middle name. Your great grandmother, Angela, was also small and petite, but was also strong and passionate. One her biggest passions was love. She saw the love between your father and me and knew we had something special and told us to never stop loving each other. I am happy to say that your coming into our family has only made our love grow stronger and deeper. I pray that we continue to create an environment for you that will help you grow into the woman that God has created you to be. I pray that He shows us how to build up your strength and confidence in Him. I pray that you always feel our deepest love and respect.

Happy birthday, baby girl!!!

I love you,
Mama

P.S. Even though you are God's daughter, I feel incredibly blessed that He chose me to be your mom during this brief period on Earth!

My Day

It's my 28th birthday...

I'm sick...

Homeless sign

Today I read a sign that a homeless woman was holding. Nothing unusual, right? Except this time I was overcome with compassion because she made herself vulnerable...not in the typical way we are used to seeing...but truly vulnerable. This is what her sign said:

Anything helps.
Even a smile.
God Bless.

I smiled!

Life Group Lesson

Love our life group...it's going to be awesome!

Anywho, we spent some time praying/thanking God with our eyes open which was to represent that He was sitting with us in the room and we were just talking with Him...amazing. While we were doing that I thanked Him for teaching me that Alyssum throwing her food on the floor is just a tiny part of her life...that I needed to get my eyes on the bigger picture (read previous blog). I thanked Him for continuing to teach us how to be parents. Then Aaron brought up that God often sees us throwing our food on the floor...of course it looks a little different...but the acting out is the same. When we do that He is so patient with us...He might discipline us, but His loving correction grows us so much.

Thanks again, Lord, for teaching us how to be parents!

The Bigger Picture

Today I had a huge lesson that brought me to tears.

While attempting to feed my pre-toddler dinner, I was increasingly becoming very frustrated. She wouldn't eat pieces of food, only pureed food. She would just throw the pieces of food on the floor. All I could think was that I was going to have to spoon feed her the rest of her life. Ahhhhhhhhh!!! I had reached my limit. Thankfully I had an errand to run, so it was time to get out of the house and have some alone time.

On my way home I switched the radio station over to KLOVE. I heard a woman who had called in to share her testimony of how a particular song was ministering to her. She proceeded to say that exactly one year ago her 19 year old son came back to the Lord. God had already told her that he would be her prodigal son and 9/9/07 was the date he came back. He had left his life of drugs and partying to return to the Lord; to become a better person for the Lord. One month after he did this, he passed away. She later found a written statement from him declaring his new commitment to Jesus Christ on that date one month before he passed away. She celebrated for one month and has been mourning for the past 11 months.

My heart broke. Being a mother now I am better able to understand what that kind of relationship entails. He had left her by his own choice, to live in sin. Then he came back totally sold out for Christ. Then the Father took him home so soon. Although God had taken him away so soon, He still gave her a month to celebrate with her son and restore their relationship. God also gave her confirmation of his heart for the Lord. Her son's salvation was in writing!

All I could think about was the bigger picture of my daughter's life. Who she would be...her relationship with me...her father...her Father in heaven...

All of a sudden I didn't care about the little pieces of food that were thrown on the floor...the food that she refused to eat. All I wanted to do was hug her and hold her tight...even if just for a moment... I don't know what the next moment holds...not that I'm living in fear, but I'm just seeing the right perspective; the bigger picture!

Still Listening

I'm still listening for the Lord's whispers in this dark room I'm in. I think I must clarify that this isn't an attack of the enemy. I hear his attacks and they are quite different. This place that I am in is a place that God has me. So because of that I don't need to be sad or depressed. I admit that I'm not jumping for joy, but I am content. I'm quiet. I'm still. That's all that I can be. Every time I think about the future with regards to ministry, serving, a career, or my passions my mind gets fuzzy or like static on a t.v. It's kind of weird. But since I'm here, no matter what I do, I may as well rest and trust that the Lord's presence is surrounding me. The amazing thing is that because I have to focus so hard on God alone I'm able to hear Him when He tells me to pray for someone and what to pray for. He is still using me in the present moments. Thank you, Lord!

Alone In a Crowd

Have you ever felt that way: alone in a crowd? I have. And it's happening again.

I'm a stuffer...I stuff my emotions. I don't even realize I'm doing it until I start to notice physical symptoms appearing. Apparently, Saturday was a good day to display some physical symptoms. I felt so depressed, hopeless, lifeless. My patience level was way too low, which isn't a good time since my daughter is learning how to throw an Oscar winning performance of the all time favorite temper tantrum. The hard part is that although I see these symptoms it is still so hard to figure out what is really bothering me. There were no obvious thoughts in my head that I could take captive to release me of these feelings. It got so ridiculous that Matt and I started joking about making my life into a movie titled, "What's Wrong With Sarah Bram?" The movie would be so unsatisfying to the audience because the entire movie would be trying to figure out all these possible reasons for my feelings and in the end we still wouldn't know! I suppose we have a weird sense of humor, but we got a good laugh out of it.

So as the next few days went on my display of symptoms went way down..."oh good, I must be feeling better..." or so I thought. I was excited because I had energy for mom's group today. But little did I know that even amongst all my friends I still felt so alone. It had absolutely nothing to do with them...it was another fun day of chit-chatting about life while the kids played. Friends were open with me...I was open with them. So why this feeling. On my way home I pictured myself in a dark room having NO IDEA where I was going or what I was doing...I was just completely lost. Then, one of my favorite songs came on the radio. It's called Whispers In The Dark by Skillet. The chorus goes like this:

No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes
I'll light the night with stars
Hear my whispers in the dark

No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes
You know I'm never far
Hear my whispers in the dark

Awesome! Instead of frantically trying to find my way around in this dark room looking for a light switch or an exit or even just trying to figure out where I am, I will let my heart be still. I will quietly and calmly sit here knowing that the Lord's presence is the only light I need...even if I can't see it with my eyes. I am going to sit here in the dark and listen for His whispers.