Birthday Blues

So for the most part I am content and full of joy. I don't feel like there is a lot of drama in my life or hardcore issues that I'm currently working out. Of course, the Lord is constantly teaching, changing, healing me, ect..., but it hasn't been mind consuming lately...that is until my birthday rolls around.

Now it's not the typical issue you might think. I love getting older...I always feel a little wiser than the year before. And I look forward to the years to come! My issue comes from the actual celebration part of my birthday. And not from family, but celebration with friends. My problem is that I know why I have this issue and it really bothers me that no matter what I do, or how many times I've tired to give it to the Lord, it doesn't go away. And it all comes from one incident that happened when I was in the sixth grade.

That particular year I decided to have a sleep over for my birthday. I invited my group of friends (which, a more accurate assessment is the group of popular girls that I tried so desperately to be friends with) to enjoy a night of swimming, sitting in the spa, eating tons of junk food and all the other fun things girls like to do at slumber parties. And to my joy, everyone came. The problem was that my attempt to be noticed, included and liked ended up being a disaster that set off the beginning of my friendship issues for the next 15 years (which that is way more in depth than I plan to go in this blog...this is just in regards to my birthday).

So as the night went on the 2 most popular girls of the group stole the show. As we were sitting in the spa they were carrying on in the most dramatic form of how they were going to kills themselves...that they were going to drown themselves right there in the spa. Of course, they were being ridiculous and not the least bit truthful, but it was getting them exactly what they wanted, which was everyone elses undivided attention (except for mine). It got to the point where I finally just left and went upstairs into my room. The more crushing part was that they didn't even notice that I was gone...IT WAS MY HOUSE AND MY BIRTHDAY PARTY...how could they not notice that I wasn't even there anymore???!!!

Anyways, as ridiculous as this story might sound to some of you, it was one of my most crushing, heartbreaking nights ever. Because of this I'm too afraid to celebrate my birthday with anyone other than my family (and Michele, my bff). I'm afraid to have a party thinking that no one will show up, or that no one would pay any attention to me, or that they would come out of obligation and not cause they were truly excited to celebrate with me...I'm afraid of being rejected again...my wounded heart can't handle it. It was proven to me then that my birthday wasn't something special enough...which makes me feel not special enough. I know this wound is deep because even with Sarah's attempt to change this for me with our dinner at Chevy's (which, Sarah, I love you and I'm thankful for your heart), it still wasn't enough. Instead of appreciating everyone that came, I felt rejected by the people that didn't. And my heart clutters my mind with thoughts like, "oh, there mostly here for her and not you." I know this is stupid and completely illogical, which is why I hate this and have put off dealing with it year after year. Unfortunately, it seems to just be getting harder and harder to ignore it. I"m tired of crying over this. I need help. I need prayer.

Jesus, please take this hurt from me...

10 years of...

10 years of living have passed me by...


10 years of gaining weight...
10 years of losing weight...
10 years of 1000 different hairstyles...
10 years of 100 wardrobe changes...
10 years of many houses...
10 years of one home...
10 years with lots of jobs...
10 years with lots of school...
10 years of growing...and growing up...
10 years of playing with my best friend...


10 years filled with many trials...
10 years filled with many triumphs...
10 years filled with a lot of pain...
10 years filled with indescribable joy...
10 years of not knowing what the future holds...
10 years with an undying hope...
10 years of dying to self...
10 years of becoming more like Christ...
10 years of sacrifices...
10 years of learning how to love...


10 years of losing myself...
10 years of becoming more of who Christ made me to be...


10 years of becoming one...


Matt and I don't even remember what our love was like when we first got married. We know we were in love or else we wouldn't have walked down the isle, but we are so far passed that first kind of love that we cannot remember what it feels like. The connection and love that we feel for each other now is greater than I ever could have imagined. I just hope when we celebrate our 20th anniversary that I'll say the same thing about looking back on our love this day.


It's interesting because this is the biggest anniversary we've ever had, yet the first year we can't afford to do anything to celebrate, but it is also the first year that I don't care; I'm just so happy to be with him and my family that I don't need to go out...or be given a gift. My peace and joy are greater than anything I could ever ask for!


Thank you, my love, for leading me and our family. Thank you for losing yourself to Christ only for Him to give back to you. Thank you for your unconditional love for me. Thank you for being my best friend, always!


I love you!

Something To Ponder

Here are some interesting definitions:

Sin = to miss the mark

Excuse= a reason to miss the mark

I guess it's time to stop making excuses...

Is This What This Means...

Is this what it means to be a mom of two...

...poop all over me, the baby, and the pillow because her diaper leaked while feeding her... and after giving her quick bath she poops again in the towel I'm using to dry her off...

...all the while the toddler who is protesting her nap works herself us to the point of vomiting all in her crib...

I guess there is a huge load of laundry in my future...

Brief Update - Week 3

Hormones have subsided...pain is almost completely gone...

This means life is MUCH better! Things are falling into place.
Still sleepy, but it is manageable.
I feel God's presence again. God used worship sunday night to bring me back to Him...I cried out of joy...not pain!
I'm hearing stories of miracles instead of tragedies (which there were even more tragedies that I didn't even share in my last blog).
I'm feeling loved and encouraged even though I barely leave my house.

I think I'm going to be ok...! :)

A Little Bit of Honesty

So I wish I could say that I have felt this blissful since I've been home from the hospital...but that's not reality. My intention for this blog is not to complain or ask for sympathy, but to just be honest with my experiences with this first week home. I've never claimed to be a supermom, especially when it comes to babies...perhaps this can bring some comfort to those who feel the same by knowing that you're not alone!

Physical:

I'm not really experiencing anything that I didn't expect...I guess I was just hoping not to experience some of them this time around. One of the crazy things is how I can be on such an emotional high while in the hospital, especially when my body is physically at it's worse because of the surgery. But despite my physical condition my attitude is so positive. I am calm, excited, hopeful, delighted, and so in love with my family. My last day at the hospital this time around was hard. Although my surgery went extremely well, I had an unfortunate side effect which apparently only happens to 1 in 100 women...guess I'm lucky... It had something to do with my spinal block, which I can explain in further detail if you want, but it left me with an excruciating headache. This made my going home experience a bit rough. The only thing that made my headache better was laying flat, which makes being a mom hard. I have to say that God did heal me and I've been headache free since Saturday! Unfortunately, the rest of my pain was still around. The first couple of days weren't too bad, but it's the nights that were the hardest physically. Having to sit up from the lying down position 10 times in a row with my lower abdomen recently opened and shut is very painful, difficult and very frustrating. It's one thing when you just want your newborn baby to sleep for a few hours because you're feeling sleep deprived, but it's a whole other thing when you just want to lay flat for a few hours to rest your recently operated on body.



Breastfeeding is another issue. Again, something else that was going extremely well while in the hospital. But after a couple of days at home the pain began...a pain that brought me to tears. I was just hoping to have one part of my body not be in pain. So, of course, this led to a major breakdown. Another decision I would have to make...do I formula feed now, try to work through the blistering pain or what??? So she formula fed for a day until Olivia's first doctors appt. in which he prescribed an anti-fungal for the two of us. So once I got past the guilt of no longer breastfeeding (which was very unexpected to be feeling guilt considering Alyssum was formula fed from 3 months on), I decided to give the prescription a try and give this breastfeeding another go. So far it's been successful...still tender, but successful.

There's a whole other body issue that I won't discuss...let's just say that being on what seems like 50 different medications is very binding...which is also very painful.

Emotions:

I suppose another word for this would be hormones! The ups and downs have been drastic. This seems to be an appropriate time to apologize to all of you that have called and texted me and I have been predictably withdrawn. This is typical behavior when I'm in emotional survivor mode. So please know that your attempts to get a hold of me have been sooooooooo appreciated...just knowing that you're thinking of me has gotten me through some of these tough hours. Anyways, some of these ups and downs are the typical ones that I experienced last time I brought home a newborn. The best ups being looking at how beautiful she is and seeing Alyssum give her love and kisses. The downs consisting of wondering why she's seems like she's in such pain...especially in the middle of the night and she won't go to sleep. An unexpected down was an extreme attack of guilt because I don't have the strength to take Alyssum out to play or give her a lot of time like I used to. She seems to get so bored which equates to my guilt. Also worrying how I was going to take care of 2 kids especially if I don't get any sleep at night. Just writing this down doesn't explain the level of intensity of my actual feelings...again because of the hormones, these normal worries are magnified by like a thousand. Thank goodness that hormones also go as quickly as they come, so now these concerns are on a more realistic scale and not blown out of proportion. Of course, this is also an answer to my breakdown prayer to the Lord.

Other Stuff:

As if my emotions weren't intense enough, there were some outside circumstances that added to them. The first morning we were home, we wake up to the news that Matt's grandpa died in the night. Although he was old and not in the best of health it still came as quite as a surprise. Matt's memories and relationship with him weren't the best so it wasn't as hard as it might have been, but listening the rest of his family process the news was difficult for him. The only fortunate thing about this is Matt's parents are now coming and staying a week with us. I must say this is a huge blessing to me as I'm still very unsure on my ability to care for a toddler and a newborn. Plus, they will be able to meet Olivia and see Alyssum again!

The other horrible bit of news came at the beginning of the week when we found out that a couple we know, who were pregnant and due any day, did have their baby, but was tragically born stillborn. I cried so much...not only because we know them, but also just having gone through the process of having a child and hearing her cry when she came into the world and knowing that she didn't hear that wonderful sound. I'm tearing up just thinking about it again.

Wow! What a week! I'm glad it's over...I'm glad my body is healing...I'm thankful for Alyssum's love for her sister...I'm extremely grateful that I got four hours of sleep last night...I feel so blessed to have two beautiful little girls...I'm forever in debt to both of our parents and their wonderful love, generosity and care!

Even though motherhood to babies is one of my greatest weaknesses, God truly was and is my strength!

Hospital Pics

Ok, everyone! Here are a few pictures to hold you over until we get better ones and/or you meet her in person...enjoy! :)