Weight of Glory pt. II

My Stone (see previous post):

Important.  It's all I've ever wanted to be.  I believe this is a basic human need, the need to feel valued.  But this is why it was disguised for so long... 

My issue:

I've spent my whole life trying to fit in... somewhere... anywhere.  I wanted so bad to feel like I belonged and that I was important... to people.  That's my issue.  I had (and still have) this basic core need to feel valued and important, but I've spent my whole life trying to get people to fill and validate this.  It has only led me to heart break, which created thicker walls and more masks, which thus created even more heart ache... it was a vicious cycle.  Elementary school was my most difficult time and longest lasting wound that set the foundation.  When I was rejected and completely ignored at my own birthday party, I was silently told that who I was wasn't good enough.  So that was the point at which I began wearing different masks.  All throughout Junior High and High School I put on whatever mask I needed to blend in and belong to whatever group of people I was around.  I did what I thought "they" wanted (whomever "they" were at the time).  I didn't know how to be myself.  My "self" got buried deeper and deeper beneath the many masks I had created.  No one truly knew me.  I didn't even know myself.  This lasted throughout my early twenties.  Finally, the Lord took me on this healing journey.  On this journey He showed me who He really was... who I really was... who He had created me to be. (This is the really short version).

Fast forward to now.  I've gotten a lot better at being myself around people.  The next layer of my healing is when it comes to leading others... not depending on what others think of me as I'm standing in a position of authority.  Having to make decisions and have my own opinion on things knowing that not everyone would agree with me, and that in fact some might actually no longer like me because of it has become my new muscle to exercise.  Standing up ALONE (as in with only God and not people) is a muscle that was atrophied that Jesus is strengthening through His own physical therapy.  During one of these painful exercises (I'll spare you the story to keep this short) I had an epiphany.  God's purpose for me my whole life was to stand out... to be a leader.  This makes so much sense as to why all my efforts to blend in with the crowd has always ended in disaster... because it was NOT God's will and purpose for me!  DUH!  Took me 31 years to get this, but OK Lord, I get it!  So my dangerous and scary prayer for a couple of months now has been, "Lord, please do not let any person give me any praise unless You tell them specifically to tell me."  I figured if I live by man's praises then I will also live by his criticisms.  He has been most faithful in answering this prayer.  BUT although it hurts so bad as my flesh dies every time it doesn't get what it wants my heart comes alive and strengthens as I'm forced to spend time in His presence to receive exactly what I need.  He tells me that I'm important in the exact way that I need it... the way my soul craves it.  And this muscle is getting stronger and stronger.  I saw this quote the other day that sums it up perfectly:

"Jesus wasn't moved by people's rejection nor was He moved by their acceptance.  He was moved by the Spirit of God."  Joyce Meyer

So that was my stone. I choose to only seek the Lord to feel important now.  What stone do you need to throw?

Here's the video that our high school group, Catalyst, made when we threw our stones.

Weight Of Glory

We are all carrying weight around.  The question, then, is what kind of weight do you want to be carrying with you through this life?

At our church's high school group, Catalyst, we've been talking about the burdens that we carry.  Pain, shame, anger, bitterness... these barely scratch the surface of what we walk around with... what we CHOOSE to walk around with.  Yes, this is a choice.  It is true that we cannot control the circumstances around us or the things that happen to us.  Yet, we can choose what we do with them!  Many of us hold on to these things, cling to them even, because in some weird way they have become a part of who we are... a part of our identity.  Many of us are afraid to let go of these things for fear that we will no longer have an identity; that having this negativity in us telling us who we are is better than our souls being void and our identity unknown.  Or, we just don't want to go there.  We don't want to deal with it (whatever "it" is for you).  Time doesn't heal wounds.  With time, wounds untreated only get infected and spread to the rest of our bodies!  Only the proper care and treatment can bring healing.

Here's the good news, if you are a follower of Jesus Christ and He has come to take residence in your soul then He has completely replaced the death that was once at the core of who you are with LIFE.  Now think of this Life (or Light) covered up by all these layers.  This Light is trying to get out.  The only way this happens is if we let it.  We can keep this Light hidden away never to be seen or allow this Light to permeate every layer of who we are on it's way to the surface.  With this permeation it slowly transforms every dead cell to a living one.  So you will never be without an identity, but will receive the truth of who you are cell by cell, layer by layer, until you are brought to completion... brought to full Life. 

Allowing this permeation is not easy.  BUT we don't need to do the work.  We just need to choose in to it and trust the Holy Spirit along the journey.  The trusting is the hard part because He will undoubtedly lead us through the journey of our past... the journey of our pain.  He doesn't erase the past or our memories, but rather changes them to include Him, to include truth.  All of those layers in us are the same (our will, heart and spirit, our emotions, our mind, our bodies), but it's our choice on what we burden those layers with... the weight of sin or of pain, or the weight of glory... His glory and freedom, Life and Light.

Our Catalyst group decided it was time to let go of some of the weight that was not good.  We chose in to the journey that Holy Spirit is leading us down... to eventually only have His weight to bear.  We wrote different things on rocks to throw in to the river as a symbol of our letting go.

Freedom.  Weight of glory.

Don't Take the Poison

Forgiveness is such a complex thing.  And there are so many misconceptions about it.  A couple of my favorites (enter sarcasm) is that forgiveness is a feeling... that you need to feel forgiveness before you can actually forgive that person.  Or, if I forgive, then that gives the person the right to continue to walk all over me and hurt me.  There are many more (and they might possibly pop up further along in this note), but hopefully I can shed a little light on this subject and give some practical steps to forgive.

We've been going through a series at church called "If God is Good".  We're looking at the life of Joseph and the pain and suffering he went through... which subsequently led to his process of forgiveness.  Being sold in to slavery by his own jealous brothers, he spent an intense 13 years in Egypt (most of it in prison) after being wrongfully accused for something he didn't do.  Then with a turn of events he ends up as second in command in all of Egypt.  Now, there are many important details in this story that lead to the end.  Before this all happened the Lord had given him a dream of his future... a hope!  When he was in prison it says that the Lord was with Joseph, and showed him mercy and loving-kindness and gave him favor in the sight of the warden.  This is a time of suffering... being persecuted for something he didn't do!  And yet, the Lord was with him.  Even amongst this pain Joseph knew that the Lord was with him (exploring this topic will have to be for another time).  Because he knew this he knew God had a purpose for all that he was going through.  Instead of dwelling on how his brothers absolutely betrayed him (which we can all agree he had good right to be seething mad) he already CHOSE to forgive.  And there's the first key word... forgiveness is a choice and not a feeling.  He gave his "right" to revenge to the Lord and trusted that God was in all of this (even though it is SOOO easy to question the whereabouts of God in such horrible circumstances).  He let go of all bitterness and gave the Lord room to seek justice (His perfect justice) on his behalf.  I mean... what good would it have done him to be in prison plotting his brothers' demise... really? NONE!  Except take years off his own life (bitterness dries up the bones) and make his existence a lot more miserable.

So moving on from his initial choice to forgive... he is now second in command of all Egypt and the land is in the middle of a horrible famine.  Joseph's father sends his sons (the infamous brothers) to Egypt to get some food that had been stored for this time.  When they come in to Joseph's presence they don't even recognize him, but he knows who they are immediately.   Before he gets to the moment of revealing his identity he has a moment when he turns away to weep... all the emotions from all those years prior came flooding back.  Does this mean that he really didn't start the process of forgiveness?  NO!  Choosing to forgive someone doesn't mean that you ignore the pain that was caused you (another common lie).  On the contrary, in order to get to the end of the process of forgiveness this release of emotion MUST happen... and perhaps more than once depending on the severity of affliction that you experienced.  I've told this to so many people just in the past month!  It's like we need permission to feel and acknowledge our hurt.  If you just try to sweep this under the rug you will never experience TRUE forgiveness in your heart.  This pain must be completely emptied out of our hearts and souls... it's only then can we let compassion (seeing the person as God sees them) fill us and begin to change our very core. 

Which this brings me to the next point.  On Sunday it was said that it's in the place of compassion that we learn to forgive.  So if compassion is seeing as God sees then how do we get there?  This was a huge lesson that I learned when I walked through my own forgiveness story (at least one of them).  Many years ago I had a friend that hurt me deeply.  I hated confrontation so my coward self only wanted to run from the situation and pretend like it never happened.  In a strange way it did kind of just "go away", but little did I know that it was far from over.  It was about a year later that the Lord brought to my attention that I hadn't forgiven her.  I suppose sitting in church, glaring at her, and hoping that all of her prayer requests weren't answered should have been my first clue that I still wasn't over this... Anyways, after the Lord revealed my unforgiveness towards her it was time to walk down the road of letting go.  I had NO idea how to even begin the process to forgive her... like I said, I didn't want good things to happen to her.  But this is exactly where the Lord had me begin.  Praying for her!  What, Lord?!?!  You know how much I DON'T want to pray for her and that's what you want me to do???  In obedience to the Lord, I attempted.  I have to admit it was REALLY difficult for a while.  My flesh was TOTALLY against it.  My prayers started off something like this: "Lord... bless her. Amen."  That was all I could get out.  But even starting at this, in my obedience, the Lord did for me what I could not.  He began to soften my heart.  My prayers got a little longer, and a little more meaningful as time went on.  I actually became sincere in what I was asking for on her behalf.  I was kind of shocked.  I was starting to have compassion for her.  I chose to forgive, did what the Lord asked of me, and the next thing I knew my heart was free!  No more bitterness!  The interesting thing is she wasn't a part of this at all.  Before this I wanted an apology from her.  I wanted her to tell me how wrong and mean she was.  I wanted HER to validate my feelings, my pain.  But that was NOT what needed to happen.  I needed to vent my feelings to the Lord... the only one that can truly validate me.  I needed to pray for my "enemy" because in that the Lord filled me with His compassion (after I had been emptied of my pain).  Then with His compassion (seeing her and the situation through God's eyes) true forgiveness was achieved and felt.  Forgiveness isn't about the other person... it's about you.. and me.  It's about being free and not letting the person who offended you to continue to have control over you.  I heard this description before and think it is so accurate in describing unforgiveness and bitterness:  Unforgiveness is like drinking the poison and expecting the other person to die.  Don't drink the poison.  In fact, throw the poison away and allow the Lord's life giving water to flow through your body instead.

Now, I must clarify that that there is a clear difference between forgiveness and restoration.  Forgiveness you do on you own with the Lord.  Restoration is what may or may not take place in the relationship even after forgiveness has happened.  I'm a firm believer in healthy boundaries... but that's for another note.

If you want to read the rest of Joseph's story it's in Genesis 45.  After his forgiveness there is restoration... for the most part.  His brothers still doubted for a long time that Joseph had truly forgiven them because it was so unbelievable that someone could forgive such an act.  Again, that's a whole other subject!

I hope this has encouraged you to choose to go down the road to forgiveness.. even if it's forgiveness of yourself...

Ocean Of Tears

A couple of Sundays ago at church, during our time of worship, a word was spoken over my husband and I.  The picture was this:
        
Your time has come.  But you already knew that.  All the tears that you have cried over the years has been collecting in to a stream, then in to a river, and now in to an ocean that is behind you.  Your tears have flowed in to an ocean of healing that people will jump in to.  That when they jump in to this ocean they will receive His healing.

At the sound of these words I fell on my face in total worship to Jesus.  What I heard in that moment was that all of our years of suffering wasn't for nothing.  I mean, I already knew that on so many levels because of the fruit that has been produced in both of our lives.  In the midst of our suffering we chose to press in to the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit; through our tears we relied on our God to walk us through it.  And that is exactly what He did.  In our pain He showed us who He really was.  In knowing His true character we trusted Him enough when He asked us to face our pain... to know that He wouldn't leave us, but that He would walk with us through all of it... straight to the source.  Once we became aware of our deep wounds He was faithful to heal them. 

This path of healing, however, is not an easy one.  It is very scary.  Some of us don't believe we are worthy enough for healing.  Some of us believe that if we face the pain of our past that it will be too much... so overwhelming that it might actually kill us.  Some of us are afraid to let go of the pain because in a weird way it has become our companion... our friend... our "normal"... the fear of the unknown is too much... "who will I be without this pain?"  The fear of not having an identity is unbearable... that it's better to have a victim identity than no identity at all.  I am here to tell you (as someone who has been on both sides of this now) that those are ALL LIES!  Lies by an enemy that fears who you are in your freedom.  If the Father is gracious enough to send His son to die a horrible death for us... if Jesus is willing to suffer a horrible death, then certainly you are worth it!  If the Holy Spirit is your companion to walk with you through pain and suffering then it will never be too much to bear.  If our God is willing to take us this far in the process to the point of healing He will certainly not stop there, but will clothe you with every truth of who you really are and who He as made you to be (your REAL identity).

This takes me back to the vision.  I don't believe that this was just for Matt and I.  I believe that this is for everyone who has cried an oceans worth of tears in the Lord's presence.  I truly believe that if you are willing to go through the process of healing that others in your life will be able to jump in to the ocean of tears that you have cried and receive healing from our great God.

Cinderella Story: A different perspective

The story of Cinderella has been with most of us ladies since we were first introduced to stories and books as little girls. And most of us have been intrigued with it ever since. The idea of being a sub-servant nobody, and treated so horribly only to be saved by a handsome prince, and put into the position of power and control and be redeemed for all the years of suffering; to be finally told that you are worth something, important to someone, and treated as beautiful royalty. What girl doesn't fantasize about that, even just a little?

What if this story doesn't have to be a fantasy, but something that can be very real? The catch is that we have to change our perspective of the story and align it up with what God has for us.

Looking at the Cinderella story, how many of us still feel like we are in the low down, floor scrubbin', meal making, 'come when everyone calls' stage of the story? Never dressed up feeling beautiful, often feeling powerless, and only living to fulfill the dreams of those you're serving? This is where we learn a new lesson. This part of the story is vital! Not just because she is rescued by her knight in shining armor, and not only because she was redeemed in the end, but because of the character training she went through during her time at the bottom; because of the brokenness she experienced and had to survive through...it was this part of her life that made her who she was...the kind of woman that understood human nature, the good, the bad, and the ugly. It was this part of her life that taught her how to manage power correctly and treat people with respect and honor...even when they didn't deserve it. It was this part of her life that made her attractive to a prince. The character she developed and the woman she became brought such life to his world that he looked past all social-economic barriers that he would have faced. Also, her dream to bring justice to a corrupt world was born out of this time of her life. Had she skipped this servant life she would not know the need, the brokenness that others had faced. Once in a place of power, there would have been no empathy shown to the people she was about to lead.

So what if our toilet scrubbing, diaper changing, order taking life was for a purpose...and I mean more than shaping our kids and supporting our husbands (which are very important things)? What if this servant lifestyle we are in is vital to the bigger dream God has for our lives? The greatest leaders in the Bible lived servant lifestyles prior to seeing their God dream fulfilled. Abraham was promised as many descendants as there were stars in the sky...and an amazing land flowing with milk and honey. Yet he didn't have a child until he was 100 years old, and then raised his family in that promised land, before it was even his, living as a foreigner in a tent. But it taught him how to rely on the Lord, which was a vital skill to be the father of a nation! Then there's king David. First living as the youngest boy of seven, being a shepherd out in the fields most of his childhood, to being a servant to king Saul, then to living in caves for fourteen years, being hated and trying to stay alive. He knew he was anointed to be king that whole time, yet the time he spent prior to becoming king was vital. It made him one of the greatest kings of all time. The list goes on, Joseph, Moses, and even Jesus...they all lived the lives of servants before fulfilling their life's purpose. What that life of servanthood looked like was different, but the brokenness achieved was the same. With the exception of Jesus being perfect anyway, the character that these other men developed was a vital key in living out their purpose. None of them would have succeeded without this season.

So going back to Cinderella...

Does this mean if you're single to expect a knight in shining armor? Or that one day you will no longer have to clean toilets? Or that you will have a kingdom to rule someday? NO! What I am saying is that God does have an amazing purpose for you. Cinderella's purpose was to eventually rule a kingdom. Yours is something different. Even if you don't believe me...it's true. And if you think you are not moving toward it right now because your life consists of nothing exciting and just serving everyone else...you're wrong. Being at the bottom, living the life of a servant, is vital to fulfilling the purpose God has for your life. So when your serving yours, you can do it with hope and joy...knowing you are going through an intense training period for future greatness!

Happy Birthday, Olivia

My precious Olivia,

I can't believe it's already been a year! The fact that it went by fast for me should tell you what an amazing baby you were. Because of who you are, you brought me confidence as a mom. Somehow I always knew that I would be o.k. no matter what. Instead of chaos that a new baby can sometimes bring, you brought peace and love to our home. Even your big sister loved you right from the beginning. She knew that you were meant to be a big part in her life...and you are. God has used you so much already. You bring peace and comfort to all of those that have been blessed to take care of you this first year. God has also used you to grow my love as a mother. You deserve so much more than I am capable of. Therefore, in order for you to have everything you need and deserve, I'm leaning on the Lord to give it to me so I can provide it to you.

I can't speak enough about your peace! It streams out of your smiley eyes and your precious facial expressions. If you were at all fussy when I would lay you down to nap in your crib, you often would turn and look at the waterfall painting that your Nana painted for you and stop crying...it was as if you felt the peace from the Holy Spirit that is represented in that painting. It was amazing to watch! You are exactly as the Lord described you...a peacemaker! And now we all can see that peace in your eyes...especially when you smile! Also with your contentment in the arms of almost anyone. You were so happy to be held. You would just stare into their eyes and peacefully fall asleep.

When you weren't peacefully sleeping in someones arms, you weren't afraid to tell us how you felt. You are so expressive with your voice and your facial expressions that you are very much your own person. You love to dance and shake your hips to any music you hear...even commercials. You light up when there's a party. You are very trusting of people. You love people. Your family and church family fought hard for you before you were even born...and I believe it is to protect this love you have for people. And your middle name, Marie, which was passed down from your Nana, to your mom, and now to you, is also specific from the Lord. You have a special way with people that is already apparent in your young age. I believe this will turn into a prophetic gift, which is something both your Nana and I have. We pray everyday that we do right by you...that we create an environment for you that will allow you to be everything that the Lord has designed you to be...that you will always know how much we love you, how much Jesus loves you, and how much you're wanted!

You are incredible and I am so proud to be your mom!

I love you sweet girl! Happy 1st birthday!

Love,
Mama

P.S. Even though you are God's daughter, I feel incredibly blessed that He chose me to be your mom during this brief period on Earth!

Worship in Brokenness

What does it mean to worship in your brokenness? Let me first tell you what it doesn't mean. It doesn't mean to ignore, minimize, or pretend your brokenness isn't there. Worshipping in your time of hurt and pain is not another coping mechanism. It doesn't mean to put on the happy, fake christian face that so many people are used to seeing or portraying (depending on which side of the coin you are). It is not the hypocritical, cliche christian answer to dealing with life. It is something so very real and more life changing than any other solution out there.

Worshiping in the midst of your brokenness and pain is to first acknowledge the reality of what is happening; your circumstances, the feelings you're experiencing, and even the thoughts in your head need to be exposed, brought out into the light. You need to be willing to admit, first to yourself, then to the Lord, what is going on. This process of release is part of your worship. How can this be worship you ask? Easily. Our Father wants nothing more than for us to draw close to Him, and how can we get any closer than being the most vulnerable and raw possible. Whatever the reason for our brokenness, whether it is because of our sin, awful circumstances, or a hurt caused by another person, He wants to hear it from our own mouth. He wants us to share from our hearts...to pour out our pain and frustration to him. This is our sacrifice to Him. The reason this sacrifice is so fragrant to Him is because once we have given it, He can then fill the space that these feelings were once occupying with His grace, mercy, love, comfort, strength and Presence. The sense of freedom that this brings can drop us to our knees with thanksgiving. Even though our circumstances might still be the same, we have less pain in our hearts, more of His Presence, more of His strength, and more of His peace.

Last night was when I experienced my freedom. With re injuring my knee a couple of months ago I entered in to my brokenness. I was 2/3 through my p90x program, eating healthy, and transforming my body. I had an outlet for my stress and was feeling really good about myself. Then, I hurt my knee...again, and it was taken from me. My thoughts of excitement quickly turned to hopelessness. I wondered what the point was for eating healthy if I couldn't exercise as well (which is ridiculous by the way). So in my misery, I chose not to worship, but to eat. I gained my pounds back, felt horrible, and very stressed. Everyday was getting worse, feeling worse, clothes getting tight, and losing my mind with stress. I had a continuous pity party, complaining that I was always being robbed of my health despite all of my efforts. And since holding onto these thoughts and feelings were taking up so much of my life, there was very little room for anything else. So last night I was done...done with my pity party. I chose worship. I chose to pour out my pain, my frustration, my heart to my Father. He listened. He comforted. He told me which scriptures to read. It changed me. My knee still hurts, but my heart doesn't. I still can't run, but I can find other ways to exercise. My clothes are still not fitting like I want, but I can still eat healthy. I have hope.

Knowing this process means that we can thank Him and worship Him even before the feelings of gratitude come. His faithfulness never changes. His love for us never changes. His desire to see us free never changes. Worshiping in our brokenness doesn't mean that life becomes perfect, it means that we are first acknowledging and trusting His holiness, and second allowing our character to become more like His.

Worshiping in our brokenness doesn't bring us happiness. It brings us joy. Happiness has to do with our circumstances. Joy is what we feel in spite of our circumstances. I don't want my circumstances to determine what I feel. Therefore, I choose to worship in my brokenness!