Monday, September 9, 2013

The Day of "What Now?"

Today:  Matt was denied treatment.  The doctor said he couldn't find anything wrong with him (by only looking at all the tests that have been done this past year).  He can't explain why he has so much back pain, numbness/nerve damage, and other symptoms I won't share.  When the doctor said he couldn't explain Matt's pain, and that there is nothing we can really do, it took everything in me to not break down in tears while he was still in the room.  When we got to the parking lot we both felt kind of numb, disoriented, and confused.  We didn't know what had just happened.  Were we just completely shut down?  Does he even believe that there is something wrong?  WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?  WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?

A couple weeks ago, a friend asked what I thought about our suffering with all these messages about God's heart for healing and not seeing any relief or answers to our prayers for Matt's healing.  I really appreciated this question, and I believe it's a question we all have asked or wondered at some point.  Let me share what I told her, and add a little more.

1. I trust God's character.  I know His heart.  I know that He loves us and wants the best for us.  I know He hates that Matt is suffering this excruciating pain.  I know His love for us is endless, relentless, and never failing.

2.  We've surrendered our lives to Him, to His kingdom, and His glory!  This surrendering means we don't get to choose what our lives are going to look like.  We follow the Holy Spirit's leading through this life, and as we do that we actually become MORE of who we are made to be.  We were not promised a life without suffering.  In fact, we are told to expect it.  The difference is how we choose to endure the pain and suffering.

So we are going to suffer regardless if we trust in Him and surrender our lives to Him or not.  Today when we got in to the car and started for the 4 hour drive home (stuck in traffic) we made a choice.  We chose not to ignore our feelings, but instead chose to embrace the pain.  We cried.  We yelled.  We threw our hands up.  We asked many questions, including the infamous "WHY?".  We cried some more.  Our choice was to do this in the Lord's presence.  We told Him we had no more fight left in us.  We were done.  We chose not to turn our backs or find relief in something else.  We left that place with no hope. But because of the God we serve there is always hope.

He brought us comfort.  No answers, just comfort.  He exposed some demonic lies, and brought a little more freedom to our hearts.  At first Matt felt bad for the waste of a day, but we were quickly reminded that we got to spend the entire day together, shop at our favorite store (REI), eat three meals out (uninterrupted), listen to 4-5 hours of worship music, and pray together.  Comforted.

We still don't know what we are going to do from here.  We still feel directionless.  This battle now seems bleak and impossible.  But because of point number 1, I know the truth of His Word that He has sent many in to IMPOSSIBLE battles that were VICTORIOUS so all would know His power, glory, and goodness.  This brings me back to point number 2.  We've said yes to Him using us to show the world His wonderful character.  If that means going in to impossible battles that can only be won by Him then so be it.  Right now, I believe, He is showing a great deal of people through us how He comforts us through the Holy Spirit; How to allow the Spirit to walk with someone through the pain and through the trials of suffering.  I love teaching people practical tools in walking with God.  So what better way than to teach them by showing them what it actually looks like through my own life? What better way to show how to build trust with God then continuing to walk on roaring unchartered waters without knowing where you are going, but knowing He is trustworthy enough to keep going further in to the unknown?

So.  What now?  We wait for the Lord, we wait expectantly, and in His word we do hope.


Adelle said...

Sarah, Thanks for sharing this, you and Matt are always in my prayers. I will agree with you and pray with expectation for Matt's healing and peace in the meantime. Blessings, Adelle