The Journey of Trust Continues...

Lately I've been reflecting on where we were this time last year.  I was still recovering from surgery, Matt was still feeling his excruciating back pain, with the inability to breathe because his lymph nodes were pressing against his wind pipe. We still didn't know the cause at that point and there was a high probability of it being cancer.  There was so much uncertainty to our future... with the biggest question wondering if Matt was even going to be in it.

We are no longer in that type of survival mode... having to trust Jesus with our very physical lives, and I am extremely grateful for that! Yet, what is interesting to me is how last year prepared us for the type of "survival mode" we find ourselves in this year.  Last year was by far the most difficult of our lives, so why does this one seem harder?

Our previous season came down to one thing: life or death.  That may seem extreme, but if you have experienced that kind of pain before, you know that you think of nothing else.  Plus add in the actual threat of a deadly disease, and well, it actually becomes life or death.  This kind of foundational level of human existence being questioned exposes and cultivates where our hope and reliability actually come from.  For us there was no question.  We relied on the Truth; the Word; the living and breathing Word, Jesus.  If not that, then what?  Ourselves? Ha!  We tried that... it only brought chaos, anger, frustration, anxiety, sadness, and hopelessness.  No thanks!  Our attempt at trying to have some kind of control over a situation that was out of our hands only validated our helplessness.  So instead of focusing on our helplessness we chose to focus on One who is Master over all.

But to take it a step further, although we desperately wanted answers and our situation to change, that was not what we sought.  I think that when we seek His hand, what He can give us, or what He can change, more than simply seeking Him, our hearts might still be in that place of needing to control.  This just leads us to create expectations of God, which if are not met, leads to all those feelings mentioned above, adding to it blaming God because of now feeling abandoned by Him.

Not to say that we shouldn't ask Him for things.  He longs for us to pour out our hearts and desires to Him, but we just need to be aware of our motivation behind the asking.

So this leads me to now.  We are no longer in a life and death, black and white situation.  We have moved deeper in to matters of the heart, and let's face it, that is MESSY!  What I found astonishing is how this seems harder... it is harder to trust because there is so much more complexity to the situation.  Life and death, black and white, this or that, all provide only two options.  Now we are faced with the vast expansion of our unknown future, the uprootedness of our present, and the memories of our past.  TOO MANY OPTIONS! There is so much more chaos to this current circumstance that requires a deeper level of trust -- which I don't know would have been possible for me had I not trusted Him with my very life, and the life of my husband's, last year.  Because we anchored ourselves in Him through our physical pain, we are able to anchor ourselves in Him when our entire life seems unknown.

There are only two things really that can fully numb us in order to run from physical pain, mind altering substances or death.  Choosing reliance on God is a simpler choice (not easy, but simple).  There are so many more options to run from heart pain, especially when you feel completely uprooted in the present.  There are so many more possibilities for us to try and take control.  The temptation is greater than ever.

But, of course, He never ceases to amaze me.  He knew I needed to learn that kind of dependence on Him in order to continue in that same dependence when it no longer is a life and death situation.  It's easier to rely on Him when you have nothing else.  Now the illusion appears that we have more options to escape our situation... to escape this feeling of panic of our unknown future with a disconnected present, especially when it reminds us of our past.  But we must hold fast to Him... put our heads down and stay anchored in Him no matter what.  He has proven Himself faithful EVERY SINGLE TIME... I am positive that will be the one thing that doesn't change... HE is the ONE thing that never changes.

"So God has given us both His promise and His oath.  These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie.  Therefore, we who have fled to Him for refuge can take new courage, for we can hold on to His promise with confidence. This confidence is like a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls.  It leads us through the curtain of heaven into God's inner sanctuary."  Hebrews 6: 18-19 NLT

In the Midst of Suffering

Suffering can either close you up or take you deeper in to healing and freedom.  Suffering is just another set of stormy waves as you're walking out upon the waters.  But we must remember that these waves and this ocean bow at His holy name.

Calm waters don't require trust.  They might be calm when we first step out, but then we get the hang of it and almost feel like we can do it in our own strength.

As you get farther from the boat, and as the storms begin, then you must trust more and deeper.  Running back to the boat is putting your trust in fear.  Otherwise, there's nowhere else to go except straight to Jesus.  Yet the closer we get to Him the more free we become.  We get further away from the safety of our boat (which will eventually fail) and closer to the safety of His presence which NEVER fails.  The more we see and trust that the safety of His presence never fails, we give more and more of ourself to Him in full surrender.  It is then we become fully alive.

Plant Life

Change is not easy.  Leaving the familiar for the unknown is scary, and turns out kind of painful -- even when it's good change.  It seems similar to when a plant is uprooted in order to be transplanted.  A plant grows in a pot, establishes it's roots, gains some strength, weathers a few storms, and with the right amount of care, will reach it's capacity within the pot.  There comes a point when the roots reach the bottom and can no longer grow - even if it keeps receiving food, water, and sunshine.  If the plant is to grow bigger and bear more fruit, then it must be transplanted to a new place, whether a bigger pot or the ground, so it's roots can go deeper, spread further, and get even stronger.

The plant knows that the actual source of nourishment does not come from the pot or soil itself.  Food, water, and sunshine are all outside sources that the gardener has to ensure makes it to the plant and soil.  The pot determines the capacity, with it's purpose to keep it all together, hold it all in securely, and not let anything out.  With the plant growing too big, however, the security of the pot now becomes a limitation.  The soil is the substance that supports the plant and holds the nutrients within the pot, and wants nothing more than for the plant to grow and grow.  But with the plant reaching it's full potential in the pot, the soil knows it can now only maintain the plant without aiding in growth.

But the transplanting process, although good, shocks the plant because it's being taken out of the soil it's been so familiar with, and well, became comfortable in.  And not to say that the storms it weathered were easy... not by any means.  But the plant became familiar with how to endure the storms within it's familiar soil... the soil that has held the nourishment for health.

The plant knows it must be uprooted for a new place... but... but... transition...

When the plant is uprooted all of it goes away for a bit... the security of the pot, the warmth of the soil.  What will happen now?  Where will I be replanted? A bigger pot?  The ground? How big is the capacity of where I will go?  Where is the soil that will support me?  Hold me up?  Hold the nutrients that I need for growth?  What will the soil be like?  Will it be hard for my roots to make their home in it?  What if a storm comes before I am replanted?  How long until I am replanted?    

How will I grow in the meantime - with my roots exposed?

Wait.  I didn't uproot myself.  I'm not transplanting myself.  I am not the Gardener... the Master Gardener.  He has a plan, and I am right in the middle of it.  This is His garden.  A Beautiful garden.

My roots are weary in this exposure.  BUT I am in the Gardener's hands.  I will rest.

Feeling Like a Failure?

The last few weeks have been rough.  This morning, I finally processed out some deep thoughts in my time with Jesus.  I've come to believe that what I go through, and what the Lord teaches me, is not just for myself.  So I hope this is an encouragement to you as it was to me.

What is being worked out of me right now?  All that I'm feeling is that I am an utter failure.  I contribute this to having too much on my plate -- family, work, and school.  This leaves no margin, which means I'm not doing any of these things well.  But is that really it?  Did I actually feel competent in these things before, or is something deeper being exposed?  Do I feel like a failure (at least to some degree not good enough) in all three of these areas?  And perhaps putting them all together is just too much for me to handle emotionally?  I can feel myself having somewhat of a wall up -- perhaps pride -- a defensive wall, really.  I hate the way it feels and want to go back to my free self.  Or was I ever free from this?  Has this always been there?  Is this a deeper healing - the "take me where my trust is without borders" type deal?  (maybe I should stop singing that song!)  Even in my pain and suffering last year, I feel like I had more freedom than I do now.  Perhaps it's because all I had to do was just trust.  I didn't actually have to DO anything.  None of my abilities were on display to be judged.  No one could judge my competency.  Everyone praised my ability to trust God through such terrible circumstances.  But that almost seemed easier, especially compared to this. Those were things NOT in my control, so it made it easier to let go.  It is much harder to let go when it IS within my control.  I mean they are MY abilities - the outcomes are a reflection of ME and not solely God.  The pressure of last year was on God.  Now I feel it on me.  I don't want it though.  I need this pressure off of me... and ASAP.  Lord, I don't know how to remove this pressure.  I don't know how to give it to You.  Please show me, or just take it.

Selah.

I need to see myself as God sees me.

I always learn so much from the birds.  They fly around, doing their work, yet also singing such beautiful songs in the morning and the evening.  I'm sure there are days when they don't win the girl bird, build the perfect nest, or catch enough food for their babies.  Yet they still sing in good cheer... in the beginning of their day AND at the end of it.  And God continues to delight in them no matter what.  So how much more so does He delight in me, even when I'm not good enough?  He's supposed to be strong in my weakness, but the catch is that I have to let Him.  So will I?  The enemy would tell me, and I would tell myself, that I'm lowering the bar of excellence.  But I don't think that's the case. I think it's a shift in my focus - away from myself and onto God.  Yes, I want my actions to reflect Him, but more importantly I want my heart to reflect His.  If my heart is reflecting His, then this will affect how I feel, how I see myself, and how I see others.  It will also change how I respond to others - without walls - in true freedom.  SUCCESS.  If I have this then it won't matter when I fail or am incompetent.  It won't change how God sees me! And even if people are disappointed I will be able to handle that without putting a wall up.  Freedom.

Saying Yes to God Dreams

Saying yes to God Dreams for your life.  What does that mean?

If it's the Promised Land, then it's learning to transition from the wilderness... a place where everything was stripped from you and so you chose God, now to a place where you have everything, but willing give it all up and still choose God.

If it's adoption, you're not JUST choosing to save a child in to family.  You are saying yes to becoming the best parent which is a harsh stripping of your old self.  You are saying yes to having your character questioned and judged and your entire reputation solely in the hands of God.  You are saying yes to the freedom of an entire nation of orphans. You are saying yes to fighting against the principalities and forces whose whole existence is to bring brokenness to people.

If it's to teach, preach, speak words of life then you are saying yes to being stripped of the need for man's approval.  You are saying yes to seeking only the Lord's approval.  You are saying yes to go through crazy seasons of life, openly, so that you can learn, in order to teach others.   You are saying to humility knowing that the only wisdom you have to share is not yours, but God's.

If it's to fund the church you are saying yes to being stripped of all greediness and love of money (no matter how small).  You are saying yes to give even when you have nothing. You are saying yes to putting your whole heart into knowing that not a single thing on this earth is yours.  You are saying yes to testing the Lord's faithfulness to provide over and over when it looks impossible.  You are saying yes to the battle against mammon.

If it's to see the next generation come to fullness in Christ you are saying yes to becoming a father or mother to many.  You are saying yes to rejection and yes to still keeping your heart open in spite of it.  You are saying yes to the roller coaster of emotion that comes with walking with others through healing.  You are saying yes to traveling with others through many seasons.  You are saying yes to the battle against a culture that battles for their hearts.

Saying yes to overseas missions means letting go of the life you've ever known.  You are saying yes to a level of loneliness that many will never know.  You are saying yes to a lifestyle, to struggles, to battles that most don't have or understand.  You are saying yes to living without many comforts. You are also saying yes to be fully given to see hope restored to an entire people group.

Saying yes to dreams means that sometimes you will have to walk in obedience when all the passion has faded... to keep saying yes everyday when you don't understand and it doesn't make sense.  It means you must learn to keep your heart soft, open, and vulnerable knowing that our Father in Heaven is shepherding it.  It means you must let go of control.

Saying yes to a dream is saying yes to the act of trusting.

It also means that He will protect you, comfort you, and lead to still waters that provides rest for your soul.  It means you will ALWAYS have a Hope to cling to... a Hope that also clings to you!  It means you will live a wild, unpredictable life that is full of adventure, life, hope, restoration, miracles, joy, peace, tears, laughter, family, and becoming more of who you were actually created to be.

Saying yes brings the kingdom of Heaven to earth now.

Saying yes means you become you.

God is Faithful

The short of this blog is the news that Matt received a phone call yesterday, totally out of the blue, from his doctor office saying that his surgery, the one originally scheduled for May that was denied multiple times, has now been approved and is on the calendar for the beginning of December!

You might assume that is why I titled this blog “God is Faithful”… it’s not.

The better part of this entry is talking about WHY God is faithful and how it has nothing to do with this surgery.

He is faithful whether I see it, experience it, or know it.  So it is not because it looks as if Matt will be having surgery that we are saying He is faithful.  He has proved to us over and over again His faithfulness in the midst of our terrible physical circumstances.  We know that all of our prayers (that also means your prayers), our fasting, our being anointed by the elders was not for nothing.  He is ALWAYS moving.  He is ALWAYS doing something.  Most of the time it is in our primary existence of the spiritual world, with it sometimes manifesting in to our physical world.  What has been incredible is that because we have chosen to trust Him through the heartache, pain, and agony, He has given us eyes to see Him in ways that haven’t manifested in our physical world, glimpses of His glory that is currently happening.  There has been such freedom and breakthrough for our own spiritual formation and for MANY of those around us too!

If we get a phone call tomorrow saying, "well, insurance retracted their approval and no surgery can take place", we STILL say God is faithful.  We have been challenged even further to not be swayed by tides of our circumstances in this physical world, but to trust that He is always moving in our lives, He is always drawing us near, He is always furthering His perfect kingdom through us if we let Him.

How do we let Him?  By trusting Him NO MATTER WHAT!  Jesus is our rock!  If we stand on Him then we will not be shaken!

Legs Like Twigs

The last 2-3 weeks have been extremely difficult for many reasons.  Tuesday it seemed to come to a head.  The song on Bethel Music's new album Tides sums it up quite accurately:

The wind and waves surround me
And I'm tossed, feel like I'm drowning
I am tired, I am weak
I need You here with me

'Cause I can feel the rising tide
But I don't have the strength to fight
I feel clouded and confused
I need you here with me

Yesterday I made a clear choice to only let the Lord protect me.  This means not retreating in an effort to protect myself, not taking the easy road and false comfort the enemy would provide, nor numbing myself with my own false comforts as to try and control the chaos by ignoring it or pushing it away.

This morning I spent time with the Lord outside on my deck.  This is what He spoke to me:

You are strong
You are strong because I Am in you
Rise up again in your authority
Rise up again in your authority
Stand on the solid ground

This verse Psalms 40:2 came to mind: "He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire.  He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along."

I then immediately saw a little bird land on my deck railing.  It just stood there looking around trying to decide where to go next.  I noticed it's legs since the last thing spoken to me was to stand on solid ground.  It's legs looked like little twigs.  It made me think that not only can I stand with weak, twig-like legs, but that it's almost preferred...

Here's why.

If the bird's legs were heavy little masses then it would no longer have the ability to fly -- to soar so high in the clouds.  So if I'm willing to stand up on the solid ground knowing that I will feel every bit of vulnerability in my frail legs, that is faith (trust in the Lord).

And if I have faith (trust in the Lord) to stand then I will soar on wings like eagles.

Getting up now.