Hospital Pics

Ok, everyone! Here are a few pictures to hold you over until we get better ones and/or you meet her in person...enjoy! :)

The Day Has Come

That's right! I did it. I made it through another pregnancy...and again, I did it only by God's grace.

It's the night before... kind of strange knowing exactly when the moment is going to come...being able to anticipate the meeting of my daughter for the first time down to the very hour. It's good because I can plan everything...cleaning, packing, organizing, childcare, out-of-town family/friend visitors. It's bad because I don't get very good sleep the night before...kind of like the night before your first day of school...you have your new outfit picked out, your new binders and backpacks ready to go, you even plan which friends you'll sit with at lunch so you know for sure you won't be alone. But even with all of that, you still don't know how the day is going to unfold emotionally, if there will be any unforeseen circumstances that take place, or just simply if everything will play out exactly how you pictured it would. But that's OK. This is the part where I nuzzle into the arms of my loving heavenly Father and trust Him for everything...even sleep! Everyone else in the house is asleep...including the animals...so I can do it too!

Actually...who cares if I don't sleep...I get to meet my baby girl tomorrow! See you tomorrow, Olivia :)

Fill Me

So this morning at church, God totally filled me in a way that I didn't know I needed. Towards the end of the amazing last message on Heaven, we were asked to put our hands out in front of us, in a receiving position, if we wanted to be filled with the Spirit. I'm always up for that so I put my hands out, as did Matt. With our hands being close together he just reaches over and puts his hand under mine, as if he were holding it up. Just as he did that the Lord spoke to me and told me that my husband was totally supporting me too. My tears burst forth.

Now just to clarify, during the majority of our marriage, it was very clear that Matt was to be my support mentally and emotionally until I finished school; that our sacrifices as a family would be to support this goal. So now, during this last year, God has called me to be Matt's armor bearer as he's working, going to school, and dreaming business dreams. But apparently, in my mind, I took this as not only being his support, but also solely sustaining myself; so I was supporting both of us...by myself...or so I thought. The interesting thing is that I didn't even know that I took on this extra burden until the Lord took it away today by telling me and showing me that Matt was supporting me too, especially in my newest role of motherhood (which if you read my previous blog would understand that implication). So my new thought is that just because I'm Matt's armor bearer right now doesn't mean that he is not supporting me at all...he is big time. He's still my husband and best friend and will always be my hugest support mentally and emotionally. It's just that now I should focus on being his in these specific areas and that we are making more sacrifices on his behalf right now and not mine. That sounds way more balanced.

So when we got in the car to go home, I began to tell Matt of how the Lord did something amazing for me when he put his hand underneath mine. But before I was able to tell him what exactly the Lord had done, he tells me that the Lord told him to put his hand underneath mine, to flex his arm, and not let me hold my own weight of my arm! I started laughing with joy. I just figured that he was holding my hand during that time, but no! God was telling him to support my hand up! We were both laughing with joy! God is so amazing!

Thank you Lord for shining your light on the thoughts I didn't even know I had and for taking them away and replacing them with your truth...thank you Lord for filling me today!

A seed. A spark. A flame

So I begin this blog with a little brief history. As many of you know I didn't grow up as the girl dreaming of having babies and being a mom. I knew I would have kids some day, but it wasn't the first thing on my list...or the second...or the third! I baby sat once and it was a disaster. Caring for babies and young children intimidated me. I was never around any so it was totally an unknown subject for me.

Unfortunately, this fear grew and turned to criticism as an adult. I so quickly judged parents for every perceived negative action. Unruly kids in restaurants or grocery stores and the parent's disciplinary actions or lack thereof are just some of the things I would judge in my heart...and being the psychology nut that I am, I totally justified my thoughts because I was just "analyzing" them and supposedly coming up with better solutions, which in reality, I had no clue.

So years of judgement finally brings me to the year before I became pregnant with Alyssum. During worship at the Stirring one night, the Lord told me to put out my hands because He wanted to give me something. So with my eyes closed and my hands out in front of me, I see His hand reach down and set something very small into my hands. I asked Him what it was and He told me that it was a seed. In my curiosity I asked what the seed was for. He said it was a seed of love. Of course, I'm thinking do I not have love? But He said it was a seed of love for a child...

My response: Ok....

So a couple of months later, Matt and I were enjoying a nice evening in my parent's hot tub. For some reason long car rides and hot tubs are the best places to get into great, deep conversations. So, as usual, we get into a great conversation which somehow leads to the Lord convicting me of my critical heart. By this point I'm crying in repentance because this is something that ran deep in me. While in this posture of repentance, the Lord shows me that this judgement is really coming from a place of fear which He was now removing from my heart. After He did this He reminded me of the seed He gave me a couple of months prior and places the seed in the now void spot of my heart. His perfect love (for children) casted out all of my fear (of having children and being a good mom). It was the beginning because 3 months later I became pregnant with Alyssum.

In the middle of my pregnancy, I was at life group one night and the Lord put it on others' hearts to pray for me. During this prayer time the Lord took me on a little journey showing me how He had healed my heart, layer by layer, over the past 4-5 years and how now there was one little corner of my heart that was still completely walled off. I could see the wall in my mind, but I had no idea what was on the other side of it; what had I been protecting or closing off all these years? Well, when He broke through the wall there was the word "motherhood" on the other side. Apparently, I did have it in me all along, I just barricaded it off a long time ago (probably after that disastrous babysitting experience). And now that it was no longer walled off, He was going to start growing it and strengthening it in me...with His seed of love.

So fast forward to just a couple of months ago, I started seeing evidence of just how much God had already grown this part of my heart. I started experiencing feelings I hadn't before...for example, with this second pregnancy and knowing what to expect with having a baby (all the hard stuff), all I could think about was how I couldn't wait to hold her and love her. This might sound strange to some of you moms out there thinking that this is a totally normal feeling, but it wasn't for me. All I knew was fear. Yet, because of what God had already done thus far, my heart is so much more open to loving my kids now than it was even just a year ago. Of course, this is just a testimony for Alyssum and how God has used her so powerfully in my life at such a young age. But after realizing how much God had grown my love already, I felt like such a better parent...my patience level went up and my attitude drastically improved. In other words, my flesh decreased, and the Spirit increased in my parenting skills.

So now to just 3 weeks ago. I woke up, went to church, and was in the worse mood ever (I blame the pregnancy hormones). During worship I just stood there not wanting to do anything but be mad for absolutely no reason. So God told me to just close my eyes...so I did. (If you haven't noticed by now, I love the use of imagery, so God speaks to me very much in this way). With my eyes closed, I picture the opening of a cave and hear the Lord tell me to go inside. So once I'm inside I see a campfire burning and He tells me to just go and sit by the fire and rest. After sitting by the fire and gazing into it's flames for awhile, I look down and notice that I'm no longer pregnant, but Olivia was in a little cradle nearby. He told me that she was completely taken care of and for me not to worry, but just to relax, alone, by the fire. By the last song of the worship set, with my eyes still closed, I look up and see the Lord's presence on the other side of the fire...not in human form, but a large bright glowing presence. By this point, God had unhardened my heart just enough to sing the song and lift my hands up to Him, only in my minds eye though, by the fire. Then worship was over. I opened my eyes and sat down feeling drastically different than I did when worship began. How amazing that God brought me so much peace and rest and even a little break from being pregnant. He knew exactly what I needed to change my heart and attitude. As the rest of the day went on, my attitude got better and better without me even trying. Also, with my stressful week that lay ahead, He took me back to that cave by the fire every night as I fell asleep.

So 2 Sundays ago during the 5pm Stirring service we sang a song by Delirious and David Crowder called Obsession. The chorus repeats the words "my heart burns for you". So the first time we got to the chorus I closed my eyes to sing it to the Lord. I was only able to get through saying the line one time when God immediately brought me back to the cave, the fire, and His presence standing there with me. He cuts me off and starts singing these words to me...that's right...He's singing it to me! My heart was overwhelmed with His love. Not only was He singing to me, but I realized that this fire I had been sitting by, relaxing by was His heart burning for me. That's why it brought me such rest because I was staring into His heart, His love burning for me. My tears were uncontrollable at this point. I felt so undeserving, especially because it was my bad attitude that led Him to bring me here in the first place and all He's doing is overwhelming me with His love! After fully understanding His love for me in this moment, He then has me look over to the side, by where Olivia was (still in the little cradle), and while giving me a spark from His fire, He told me to have a fire like this for my kids...so that they would be able to look and see my heart burning for them. Right after that I could see the spark turn to flames. I now had a small fire burning, my heart burning, for my kids. My tears kept flowing. I had been praying for months for Him to show me how to be a better parent, to show me how to love my kids, to not let my flesh take control. He showed me by giving me a true understanding of His love for me! The amazing thing is that it still isn't my human love pouring into my kids, it is His love flowing through me to them! So wonderful!

I can't explain the freedom I feel. The love is just pouring out of me onto my daughter and my unborn daughter. A huge lesson from the women's retreat was that we cannot love others unless we are receiving God's love first. I can seriously feel this truth flowing right through me. So many years were spent living in fear. Not only is the fear gone, but His love and freedom are surpassing it beyond anything I could have ever imagined! I just can't wait for the fire to keep growing!

A Women's Movement

I just have to start off by saying how completely amazing God's faithfulness is!


So a few years ago the Lord started igniting passion and vision in me for women, and more specifically the women at the Stirring. My heart was alive with love for them and my mind was dreaming dreams for them. The Lord had so clearly spoken vision to me regarding His heart for us and purpose for us as a community of His daughters.


Well, as I was just beginning to walk it out, the Lord stripped it all away from me. He didn't do it because I was bad or did something wrong, He just had to take me through a wilderness in which He could heal me, teach me, and make me more like Him. I had always wondered why He would give me all these desires for the future just to take them away so quickly, but now I know He is preparing me and molding me into the kind of servant that can actually do the great things He has shown me! But even better than that, He is still carrying out the vision for the Stirring women regardless if I'm apart of it or not! So again, I reiterate, God is faithful!


He showed this to me one day recently while praying for our upcoming women's retreat. After revealing His bigger plan for this retreat to me, I found a faded bookmark in an old purse that I decided to start using again that had on it the words that described the vision for the Women's Movement from a few years ago; the very words God had shown me and stirred my heart with before my trek in the wilderness. As I read the words and remembered the heart He had once given me it started to blend with what He was currently doing with our retreat. I got so excited because I realized that although I hadn't really been involved in any women's ministry prior to this retreat that God was still working on His plan; that these dreams (really His dreams) didn't die with me, but dreams He was still unfolding regardless of whether I was the conduit or not! I love it! Although it is very humbling, it does take all the pressure off. Plus, I can look back and realize that through all my ups and downs with this He was still in control of my heart the entire time...that it wasn't me going crazy or something...strong passions one minute and then complete desolation the next.


Anyways, with all that said, here are the words from long ago that are still alive and making there way back into my heart's desire for us women at the Stirring:

Rest: It all must start with us entering God's rest. It is from that place only that we can move
forward.

Heal: While in God's rest He wants to bring healing to us...to our hurts, our wounds, our pasts.

Unveil: Once we begin the healing process He will begin to unveil our beauty...our image of God
that us as women bear.

Reveal: As we are becoming more secure in our identity in Christ He will start to show us how
we are each individually wired and gifted...our specific purpose He has created us for.

Inspire: By living out this process, especially if we are transparent through it, other
women/sisters will be drawn to this freedom they see us experiencing and will
therefore draw closer to their Father in heaven.

Meaningful: Although all things are possible with God, He usually doesn't take women through
this process alone. Therefore, our relationships with other women will become
deeper, closer and more meaningful because of this shared vulnerability.

Captivate: Women either bring life or death to the world. If we are willing to be taken
through this process we will bring life. The world will see our amazing Lord Jesus
alive in us. This is our evangelism.

So those are the words, the dream I believe God has for our community. It is what I see Him doing already, through life groups, other small groups, and one on one mentorship...and I see it only getting better!

What are your thoughts?

3 Months!

In exactly 3 months we will be welcoming our new little girl into this world. That's right, Tuesday, May 26 will be her birthday. I know it sounds a little weird that I'm announcing the day of her birth, but that is the only (and I mean ONLY) good thing about having a c-section is that I can schedule and plan ahead of time. It is the day after Memorial Day so hopefully everyone will be back from any possible vacation and ready to help a mama out...I hate surgery...ALOT! I mean the actual surgery and birth is wonderful and completely pain free, but it's the whole 6 weeks of recovery that stinks...especially with a newborn, a toddler, an 8o lb puppy, and stairs. I know I'll survive, especially with the help of my wonderful friends and family (yes, that probably means you ;)!

On a happier note, the Lord has given us a name for her. It is Olivia. It comes from the word olive which symbolizes peace and victory; He told us that she is going to be our peacemaker. Yay, another peacemaker in the family, especially with the passionate Matt and Matt Jr., I mean Alyssum, in the house! I love it, seeing how God is creating our family. Anyways, her middle name will be Marie, which is also my middle name. God has also revealed things about her to my mom like He did before Alyssum's arrival. God is so faithful and amazing!

Olivia Marie in 3 months...

Oh crap! I only have 3 months left...gotta go!

Chaos

What is chaos?

2 - brothers...
2 - Sara/h Brams...
1 - 3 1/2 year old girl...
2 - 1 year olds...
2 - german shepard dogs...
1 - ornery cat...
1 - baby girl on the way...
...all in a 1340 sq. ft. house...

Pure chaos!