Ocean Of Tears

A couple of Sundays ago at church, during our time of worship, a word was spoken over my husband and I.  The picture was this:
        
Your time has come.  But you already knew that.  All the tears that you have cried over the years has been collecting in to a stream, then in to a river, and now in to an ocean that is behind you.  Your tears have flowed in to an ocean of healing that people will jump in to.  That when they jump in to this ocean they will receive His healing.

At the sound of these words I fell on my face in total worship to Jesus.  What I heard in that moment was that all of our years of suffering wasn't for nothing.  I mean, I already knew that on so many levels because of the fruit that has been produced in both of our lives.  In the midst of our suffering we chose to press in to the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit; through our tears we relied on our God to walk us through it.  And that is exactly what He did.  In our pain He showed us who He really was.  In knowing His true character we trusted Him enough when He asked us to face our pain... to know that He wouldn't leave us, but that He would walk with us through all of it... straight to the source.  Once we became aware of our deep wounds He was faithful to heal them. 

This path of healing, however, is not an easy one.  It is very scary.  Some of us don't believe we are worthy enough for healing.  Some of us believe that if we face the pain of our past that it will be too much... so overwhelming that it might actually kill us.  Some of us are afraid to let go of the pain because in a weird way it has become our companion... our friend... our "normal"... the fear of the unknown is too much... "who will I be without this pain?"  The fear of not having an identity is unbearable... that it's better to have a victim identity than no identity at all.  I am here to tell you (as someone who has been on both sides of this now) that those are ALL LIES!  Lies by an enemy that fears who you are in your freedom.  If the Father is gracious enough to send His son to die a horrible death for us... if Jesus is willing to suffer a horrible death, then certainly you are worth it!  If the Holy Spirit is your companion to walk with you through pain and suffering then it will never be too much to bear.  If our God is willing to take us this far in the process to the point of healing He will certainly not stop there, but will clothe you with every truth of who you really are and who He as made you to be (your REAL identity).

This takes me back to the vision.  I don't believe that this was just for Matt and I.  I believe that this is for everyone who has cried an oceans worth of tears in the Lord's presence.  I truly believe that if you are willing to go through the process of healing that others in your life will be able to jump in to the ocean of tears that you have cried and receive healing from our great God.

The Story Of My Daughter

Growing up not being the child that dreamed of having babies and being a mommy, God had a lot of preparing to do to get me ready to enter into this sacred thing called motherhood. And how blessed I am by His faithfulness to do so. It all started with a dream:

After my grandma (my mom's mom) went home to be with the Lord in March 2006, my mom was at her home going through some of her things when she decided to take a nap in her room. That afternoon she had a dream that she was in a hospital lobby. She could see me in the distance being wheeled out holding a newborn baby. The message of her dream was the generation continues.

A few months later she had another dream that she was holding a baby that had a really round face.

November 2006...Vox Dei retreat (voice of God retreat)...Perry's cabin: During one of our morning worship sessions I noticed Matt across the room in tears. He didn't look sad, but he was covered in tears nonetheless. Later on he asks me if I wanted to know what he was crying about. Of course I did! He said that the Lord told him our daughters name (which, by the way, I wasn't pregnant)! He said her name is Alyssum. Of course, I had no idea what the name meant or where he had even heard of it before. He explained to me that it was a beautiful flower, typically used as ground cover in gardens because it grows in bunches. I knew exactly which flower he was talking about because my grandparents (from above) always had Alyssum growing in their garden and it smelled wonderful. He continued by explaining to me that this was her name because just as the Alyssum flower is very small and often not noticed its fragrance is so wonderfully strong that you can't help but take notice.

After we shared this with my parents my mom had yet another dream, except this one was more about her name. She saw a picture of a big bushful of Alyssum flowers in the ground. She could see its roots reaching down into the earth. However, these roots weren't just going straight down, they were reaching across and springing up new Alyssum flowers all across the meadow. Meaning: Alyssum's roots were reaching down into God's soil and therefore it was springing up new life. Amazing! If you've never been over to our house my mom painted a huge mural on her wall with this picture.

Late December 2006. During a time of prayer the Lord told my mom that something significant would be happening in my life in 10 months.

Beginning of January 2007. Last dream. This one actually woke my mom up and caused her to look around... She dreamt the voice of a little girl full of spunk and life saying to her, "Hey grandma, I'm on my way!"

A couple of weeks later my parents came up to visit us and it was at that time we shared with them the good news! I was pregnant!

So her name is Alyssum Angela. Angela was my grandmother's name...the grandma whom she apparently crossed paths with on her way down to us! She was born 10 months later from the December prophesy at a whopping 5lbs 12oz. She was and still is very petite. Her personality is also as strong as the fragrance of the Alyssum flower. God knew her before the foundations of the earth and I feel so blessed that He introduced her to me before she even came into this world!

Although her strength can be very challenging at this point I can't wait to see how God uses this to further His Kingdom!

A mini crocodile and a purple lizard

When I sleep, I dream...a lot! Good dreams, bad dreams, weird dreams. No matter what kind of dream, it is always vivid. Along with these dreams, I also have dreams from the Lord. Usually it is really obvious which dream is from God and which dream is from my own crazy mind. The dream I had a couple of weeks ago wasn't so obvious.

The Dream

I was walking through a neighborhood headed for home. As I was about to cross the street I noticed there was a big puddle in the middle of the street. Splashing in the puddle there was a mini croc chasing its prey. It was running super fast in circles, snapping its jaws nonstop, trying to catch its victim. I didn't really think anything of it (because crocs in suburbia is normal?!) and decided just to walk around the puddle to continue on my way. As soon as I got close enough, the mini croc saw me and decided that I was much bigger and better than its current victim. Thus, it started chasing me, snapping with all of its might. I began to run, doing zig zag formations, jumping, anything to avoid being caught. After doing this for awhile, I turned around to look at this thing that had frightened me so much, only to discover that it had turned into a tiny purple lizard. It was still snapping its jaws at me, but now they were so small that even if it did catch me I probably wouldn't have felt a thing. I was relieved. Then I woke up.

Ok, not so obvious. This totally could have been just another crazy Sarah dream or some life changing message from the Lord. Because it wasn't obvious to me, I wasn't about to try and make something out of a possible nothing. So I went about my week.

Then along came a Saturday. A good day for the first hour or so...

Thoughts began to crowd my mind. Doubts. Uncertainty. Fears. The enemy began taking truths and twisting them just enough to fill me with turmoil. And he knew they would be hard to combat because the thoughts were based on facts. It came on so quickly I didn't even realize what had hit me. By the time I did, it was too late. My strength was sapped. Logic was overtaken by emotion. I was helpless. After I finished getting ready, I came downstairs and started crying, ruining the makeup I had just finished putting on. Matt became my listening ear. "I feel lonely. I feel rejected. How come everyone else seems to have that one or two really close friend/s that they do everything with and I don't? I know I have a lot of friends...and friends I can go to if I really need something, but no one that I'm super tight with. I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't have that. What's wrong with me? This is just like high school. I was everyones friend, but no ones close friend. Am I not good enough to be someones close friend? How come no one desires a friendship like that with me? I feel rejected." I know, it sounds sad and pathetic and totally out there, but emotions were in complete control, along with the enemies lies. My poor husband was trying to understand, but he honestly couldn't understand why I was feeling this way. After comforting me, his man-thinking skills kicked in to high gear. "Do you really need a friend or a friendship like that? You have friends that you can do stuff with and you have friends that you can be vulnerable with. Isn't what your asking for unrealistic?" Logic, logic, logic. I heard him, but I didn't really hear him. C'mon ladies, how many of you really listen to reason when your emotions are running high? I was grateful for his effort, but I didn't feel any better. After stewing with these emotions for awhile it started to turn into bitterness. Knowing that we were going to a BBQ (courtesy of the Moseleys) later that day (which I tried to get out of, but Matt wouldn't let me), I began to go into self-protection mode; I put on my social mask again...one I hadn't worn in a few years thanks to the Lord's healing. But here I was again with this old familiar companion, my wall to keep others from rejecting me and hurting me. It was awkward. Those were 2 of the longest hours, ever. I didn't know how to act; I didn't know who to be. My foundational thought was once again, "Well, I'm obviously not good enough so I'll be who they want me to be." But I couldn't figure out who they wanted me to be or how they wanted me to act. Because I had been free of this foundational thought for a few years now, and had good practice at just being myself, I had lost the ability to mold into what I thought people wanted. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be rid of this so-called ability, but at the time it just caused more anxiety.

So when we got home from the BBQ, I was filled with so much anxiety, bitterness, and rejection that I headed straight for the gym to work it out. They were closed. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I came home even more frustrated. I felt like something was on me and I just wanted it gone. Matt says, "Just pray and rebuke it." Duh, right? I was so beaten down that I didn't even want to pray. I asked him to. I fought to even close my eyes, but then I did.

As he was praying the Lord reminded me of my dream. He began to interpret it. Me going home meant that I am on my way to becoming the complete person He made me to be; to be completely whole in Him. Of course, I won't be there until I die, but I'm on my journey nonetheless. The mini crocodile chasing it's prey is something that has been attacking our church body. For whatever reason he thought I would be a more satisfying catch and started after me. At this point, the Lord began speaking to Matt about forgiveness, grace, and mercy; that we should always show these to our friends and to our enemies. That no matter if what we are perceiving really is true or not, if we show these things the enemy cannot get a foothold, in our minds and in our relationships. The Lord showed me that my maneuvers to get away from the crocodile was what made it shrink into a tiny purple lizard with no power in its bite. These maneuvers were forgiveness, grace, and mercy. The Lord spoke to us both simultaneously, that this wasn't something to be rebuked, but our actions give it nothing to hold onto and therefore shrinks into nothing and leaves.

Wow, so whether what I'm perceiving about everyone else's friendships are true or not, and whether people really are rejecting me or not, I still must show forgiveness, grace, and mercy (even if there is nothing to forgive because it's about my heart, not theirs). It wasn't instant emotional relief, but I was back to myself (the more-like-Christ version of myself) in no time. Except this time I was truly free from my past. I was feeling strong and empowered. I couldn't believe that God had used me to rid our body of something like this (and I just mean this specific little creature; I know these thoughts and attacks will always come at us).

I couldn't wait to start sharing this with others. So I did. The response was surprising (which I'm not sure why!) . First of all, people's perception of me was radically different from my own. Secondly, I couldn't believe how many others were struggling with the same thing. The enemy was trying to keep us from each other; to keep us isolated; to keep us feeling alone, unwanted and unloved. He was telling us that we are the only ones, because...look...everyone else has their close friends...no one needs you. I'm done! I will listen to this lie no more. I am loved. I am wanted. No one is rejecting me. I am good enough. I do have something to offer. And when the real issues arise, let's be honest with each other; let's talk about it openly where God's light will shine on the situation. If we keep it in the dark then the enemy will come in and hide and we won't see it until it's blown out of proportion. We all have a place here. We are all wanted. We are all needed. We are all loved!

So that's it...my latest life changing, God experience. Please know that I didn't write this because I need affirmation. I'm confident. God has given me that. I just hope that this experience of mine will encourage you in whatever way needed. We are a family. I know this in my head, but I'm ready to start feeling it in my heart!

After this experience, I was reading in Romans and BAM...there it was...scripture to back it up. I'll put it down below if you want to read it.

P.S. I apologize to all of you that were at the BBQ that day. If I seemed weird, awkward, closed off, or cold, now you know why...it had nothing to do with you!

Romans 12
NLT

1 And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. 2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
3 Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us. 4 Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, 5 so it is with Christ’s body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other.
6 In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you. 7 If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. 8 If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.
9 Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. 10 Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. 11 Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. 12 Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. 13 When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.
14 Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. 15 Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!
17 Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. 18 Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.
19 Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say,
“I will take revenge;
I will pay them back,” says the Lord.
20 Instead, “If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads.”
21 Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.