Sunday, March 23, 2014

Feeling Like a Failure?

The last few weeks have been rough.  This morning, I finally processed out some deep thoughts in my time with Jesus.  I've come to believe that what I go through, and what the Lord teaches me, is not just for myself.  So I hope this is an encouragement to you as it was to me.

What is being worked out of me right now?  All that I'm feeling is that I am an utter failure.  I contribute this to having too much on my plate -- family, work, and school.  This leaves no margin, which means I'm not doing any of these things well.  But is that really it?  Did I actually feel competent in these things before, or is something deeper being exposed?  Do I feel like a failure (at least to some degree not good enough) in all three of these areas?  And perhaps putting them all together is just too much for me to handle emotionally?  I can feel myself having somewhat of a wall up -- perhaps pride -- a defensive wall, really.  I hate the way it feels and want to go back to my free self.  Or was I ever free from this?  Has this always been there?  Is this a deeper healing - the "take me where my trust is without borders" type deal?  (maybe I should stop singing that song!)  Even in my pain and suffering last year, I feel like I had more freedom than I do now.  Perhaps it's because all I had to do was just trust.  I didn't actually have to DO anything.  None of my abilities were on display to be judged.  No one could judge my competency.  Everyone praised my ability to trust God through such terrible circumstances.  But that almost seemed easier, especially compared to this. Those were things NOT in my control, so it made it easier to let go.  It is much harder to let go when it IS within my control.  I mean they are MY abilities - the outcomes are a reflection of ME and not solely God.  The pressure of last year was on God.  Now I feel it on me.  I don't want it though.  I need this pressure off of me... and ASAP.  Lord, I don't know how to remove this pressure.  I don't know how to give it to You.  Please show me, or just take it.


I need to see myself as God sees me.

I always learn so much from the birds.  They fly around, doing their work, yet also singing such beautiful songs in the morning and the evening.  I'm sure there are days when they don't win the girl bird, build the perfect nest, or catch enough food for their babies.  Yet they still sing in good cheer... in the beginning of their day AND at the end of it.  And God continues to delight in them no matter what.  So how much more so does He delight in me, even when I'm not good enough?  He's supposed to be strong in my weakness, but the catch is that I have to let Him.  So will I?  The enemy would tell me, and I would tell myself, that I'm lowering the bar of excellence.  But I don't think that's the case. I think it's a shift in my focus - away from myself and onto God.  Yes, I want my actions to reflect Him, but more importantly I want my heart to reflect His.  If my heart is reflecting His, then this will affect how I feel, how I see myself, and how I see others.  It will also change how I respond to others - without walls - in true freedom.  SUCCESS.  If I have this then it won't matter when I fail or am incompetent.  It won't change how God sees me! And even if people are disappointed I will be able to handle that without putting a wall up.  Freedom.