Sunday, May 27, 2012

Weight of Glory pt. II

My Stone (see previous post):

Important.  It's all I've ever wanted to be.  I believe this is a basic human need, the need to feel valued.  But this is why it was disguised for so long... 

My issue:

I've spent my whole life trying to fit in... somewhere... anywhere.  I wanted so bad to feel like I belonged and that I was important... to people.  That's my issue.  I had (and still have) this basic core need to feel valued and important, but I've spent my whole life trying to get people to fill and validate this.  It has only led me to heart break, which created thicker walls and more masks, which thus created even more heart ache... it was a vicious cycle.  Elementary school was my most difficult time and longest lasting wound that set the foundation.  When I was rejected and completely ignored at my own birthday party, I was silently told that who I was wasn't good enough.  So that was the point at which I began wearing different masks.  All throughout Junior High and High School I put on whatever mask I needed to blend in and belong to whatever group of people I was around.  I did what I thought "they" wanted (whomever "they" were at the time).  I didn't know how to be myself.  My "self" got buried deeper and deeper beneath the many masks I had created.  No one truly knew me.  I didn't even know myself.  This lasted throughout my early twenties.  Finally, the Lord took me on this healing journey.  On this journey He showed me who He really was... who I really was... who He had created me to be. (This is the really short version).

Fast forward to now.  I've gotten a lot better at being myself around people.  The next layer of my healing is when it comes to leading others... not depending on what others think of me as I'm standing in a position of authority.  Having to make decisions and have my own opinion on things knowing that not everyone would agree with me, and that in fact some might actually no longer like me because of it has become my new muscle to exercise.  Standing up ALONE (as in with only God and not people) is a muscle that was atrophied that Jesus is strengthening through His own physical therapy.  During one of these painful exercises (I'll spare you the story to keep this short) I had an epiphany.  God's purpose for me my whole life was to stand out... to be a leader.  This makes so much sense as to why all my efforts to blend in with the crowd has always ended in disaster... because it was NOT God's will and purpose for me!  DUH!  Took me 31 years to get this, but OK Lord, I get it!  So my dangerous and scary prayer for a couple of months now has been, "Lord, please do not let any person give me any praise unless You tell them specifically to tell me."  I figured if I live by man's praises then I will also live by his criticisms.  He has been most faithful in answering this prayer.  BUT although it hurts so bad as my flesh dies every time it doesn't get what it wants my heart comes alive and strengthens as I'm forced to spend time in His presence to receive exactly what I need.  He tells me that I'm important in the exact way that I need it... the way my soul craves it.  And this muscle is getting stronger and stronger.  I saw this quote the other day that sums it up perfectly:

"Jesus wasn't moved by people's rejection nor was He moved by their acceptance.  He was moved by the Spirit of God."  Joyce Meyer

So that was my stone. I choose to only seek the Lord to feel important now.  What stone do you need to throw?

Here's the video that our high school group, Catalyst, made when we threw our stones.