So for the most part I am content and full of joy. I don't feel like there is a lot of drama in my life or hardcore issues that I'm currently working out. Of course, the Lord is constantly teaching, changing, healing me, ect..., but it hasn't been mind consuming lately...that is until my birthday rolls around.
Now it's not the typical issue you might think. I love getting older...I always feel a little wiser than the year before. And I look forward to the years to come! My issue comes from the actual celebration part of my birthday. And not from family, but celebration with friends. My problem is that I know why I have this issue and it really bothers me that no matter what I do, or how many times I've tired to give it to the Lord, it doesn't go away. And it all comes from one incident that happened when I was in the sixth grade.
That particular year I decided to have a sleep over for my birthday. I invited my group of friends (which, a more accurate assessment is the group of popular girls that I tried so desperately to be friends with) to enjoy a night of swimming, sitting in the spa, eating tons of junk food and all the other fun things girls like to do at slumber parties. And to my joy, everyone came. The problem was that my attempt to be noticed, included and liked ended up being a disaster that set off the beginning of my friendship issues for the next 15 years (which that is way more in depth than I plan to go in this blog...this is just in regards to my birthday).
So as the night went on the 2 most popular girls of the group stole the show. As we were sitting in the spa they were carrying on in the most dramatic form of how they were going to kills themselves...that they were going to drown themselves right there in the spa. Of course, they were being ridiculous and not the least bit truthful, but it was getting them exactly what they wanted, which was everyone elses undivided attention (except for mine). It got to the point where I finally just left and went upstairs into my room. The more crushing part was that they didn't even notice that I was gone...IT WAS MY HOUSE AND MY BIRTHDAY PARTY...how could they not notice that I wasn't even there anymore???!!!
Anyways, as ridiculous as this story might sound to some of you, it was one of my most crushing, heartbreaking nights ever. Because of this I'm too afraid to celebrate my birthday with anyone other than my family (and Michele, my bff). I'm afraid to have a party thinking that no one will show up, or that no one would pay any attention to me, or that they would come out of obligation and not cause they were truly excited to celebrate with me...I'm afraid of being rejected again...my wounded heart can't handle it. It was proven to me then that my birthday wasn't something special enough...which makes me feel not special enough. I know this wound is deep because even with Sarah's attempt to change this for me with our dinner at Chevy's (which, Sarah, I love you and I'm thankful for your heart), it still wasn't enough. Instead of appreciating everyone that came, I felt rejected by the people that didn't. And my heart clutters my mind with thoughts like, "oh, there mostly here for her and not you." I know this is stupid and completely illogical, which is why I hate this and have put off dealing with it year after year. Unfortunately, it seems to just be getting harder and harder to ignore it. I"m tired of crying over this. I need help. I need prayer.
Jesus, please take this hurt from me...
A New Start – June 2023
1 year ago
2 comments:
Okay, this is me going on on limb in public (since other people will read this) and letting you know just how I feel about you.
I adore and admire you. In fact, I'm kinda desperate to be considered a close friend of yours. I'm sure this sounds kinda ridiculous, but it's true. I've often thought about calling you or what not but figure you are meeting with another girl and are being amazing as I feel you so naturally are. So I always feel blessed when you include me in your invites or your general day.
My past has told me that the quality of my relationships are a good indication of who I am. Moreover, who these relationships are with are even a better indicator. So after I became friends with Jesus, I knew I was pretty much set... but hey, I'm a girl and I can't stop with just one friend!
For some reason, (call it God, a pedestal, like-minds, same age, whatever) ever since I've met you, I've felt drawn to you. You're mere transparency (such as this blog) I think is great and I feel allowed to be transparent as well (such as this response). I can only hope that I draw out positive character traits in others as you do in me.
All that said, I LOVE spending time with you and being your friend. Why do you think I bring you cookies? I don't have some evil plot to make you fat! I just like having an excuse to come over. :) I pray you don't read this as some desperate, needy woman looking for a person to like her and you'll start avoiding me (this goes for everyone else reading this:D ), but as a friend letting you know that you rock and that I came to Chevy's for you. ;)
Perhaps next time I feel like calling, I'll just call and get over my own silly insecurities us women seem to cling to.
For whatever it's worth, Sarah, I came to Chevy's for YOU. We may have been late, and our kid may have freaked out a bit, but we wanted to be there for however short a time to celebrate you and your friendship and what it means to us. I LOVE YOU!
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