Ocean of Tears: Finding Shore

Over a year ago, we were given a word that I wrote a blog about titled Ocean of Tears.  In this vision we had cried an oceans worth of tears, but they brought healing to those who jumped in to the waters.  I had assumed that we had cried an oceans worth of tears prior to that vision.  I was VERY wrong.

If you're reading this you probably know most of what we've gone through this past year -- both Matt and I suffering horrible back pain, denial of surgery for Matt, the possibility of Matt having cancer, trying to raise our kids in the midst of it all, etc. I'd say in the span of three months I have cried more (from physical pain, emotional heartache, the possibility of losing my husband and best friend) than I had in our previous 10 years... and that's saying a lot.  It was definitely enough to fill an ocean.

What's interesting about this though, is that I was also walking out upon the waters of this ocean; I walked away from the safety of my boat/land (whatever metaphor you like) further and further in to the powerful presence of God.  He called me out upon these waters and I trusted Him -- well, more like He gave me the faith and courage to walk these waters.  I followed His voice.  I didn't know where I was going or what it was going to look like.  All I could see was a vast ocean.

Today that changed.

The same person that spoke that vision over a year ago shared a new development.  As I was deep in these waters, there was now shore all around me; boundaries, borders, a focusing in on some specific purposes God has for me.  I was so blown away by Jesus, yet again.  I was already so filled with just being able to be closer to my heavenly Father through walking these deep waters -- as in, pursuing His presence was enough reason to go out upon the waters, but He still is giving me more!  I don't know what that is going to look like specifically, but those specifics, I believe, is the shore I'll be stepping on to shortly.

14 Years and Counting

As I sit in my disasterously messy house, with my kids asleep, as well as my husband from his pain medication, I can't help but feel extremely overwhelmed with love.  Tomorrow is our 14 year wedding anniversary, and although it's not quite a "significant' year (20, 25, etc) it's our most important one yet!

The phrase "marriage isn't designed to make you happy, it's meant to make you holy", or some version along those lines, is very true!  Our 14 years of marriage have been extremely difficult.  We have not been one of those couples with the easy road.  BUT I am thankful nonetheless.

I was taught a long time ago the word "happy" comes from the word "happenings"... which is another word for circumstances.  If you're married then you are well aware that there are many circumstances within a marriage that are not happy!  So there MUST be a better goal; something that is beyond our circumstances to aim towards in a marriage.

Holiness.  To be set apart.  Unfortunately, our tendencies work against this which produces:  idolatry, strife, jealousy, anger, selfishness, divisions, and more of the like.  But what if we were led by the Holy Spirit within our marriage?  Then we would see: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness (meekness, humility), and self control.

Like I said, our marriage has been filled with difficult circumstances.  So how can I sit here and say that I currently feel love, joy. peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control towards my husband?

-- In the beginning of our marriage, during 9/11 (Matt went to New York to minister to the broken) the Lord began to show me that my husband belonged to Him first.  I needed to let go of him and trust him in the Lord's hands.  That was hard, but I've been letting him go and trusting him to the Lord ever since.

-- Through our difficult times I trusted myself in to the hands of Jesus.  I let Him past my walls to heal my own heart; to comfort me in my brokenness; to pull me out my own shame; to release the enemy's grip on my life; to speak to me my true identity; to reveal my true beauty.  (I watched my husband do the same.)

-- The more I trusted, the more of myself I've surrendered.  And this year more than most, I have fully surrendered all that I am and all that I have -- which includes my husband.  I look back at the first lesson of letting go of him when he went to go serve, to this year's lesson of being willing to let him go for the rest of my life.  Both times felt just as hard, but what was increased this time was my peace in it. Why?  I believe because my trust in the Lord and His character is deeper and further than ever before.

It gets better.

The more I trust, the more holy I become, the more His Spirit is present in and though me to touch the lives of others -- to show the Father's character to more people than just myself.  With the first lesson of letting him go, the audience was very small.  This last lesson of letting go the audience has become world wide.

I've surrendered my marriage to Him.  He has made us both more holy.  We are both filled with love, joy, peace, etc in the midst of our continued suffering.  Now this doesn't mean that we don't FEEL all the anguish of these circumstances!!!  But because we choose to do all of our crying/sobbing/weeping at the feet of Jesus, when we are finished (because we can't shed another tear), we are left with His Spirit to provide the love, joy, peace, etc. -- you get the idea! ;-)

So I look back to our 14-year-younger selves and barely recognize those people.  I love who we have become, and are continuing to become.  Because we are both more rooted in the love of Christ than ever before, we are overwhelmed with love for one another --  the kind of love that brings tears to your eyes because really, you are being touched by the Father's love through another human being.

I love you Matt Bram.

Grateful In Every Season

I know each season is special. I've come to see this. I used to always be looking ahead to the next thing that was going to happen or dream about the escape of the situation I was in.

BUT...

There hasn't been one season of my life where God has not shown me some amazing part of Himself, and subsequently, a part of who I am--whether a part to burn away, or a part of my identity to be revealed. My circumstances, no matter how pretty and wonderful or ugly and devastating they are, doesn't determine whether or not I'm in "God's will" because He is with me in every season. It has come to the point where I appreciate every season I'm in and even mourn a little when I transition to a new one. This is because I've tasted a new part of Jesus, a new depth of His glory that has forever changed me! And although I still get to take this new treasure with me in to whatever new season comes my way, I know that the season I'm leaving was unique--even the most difficult and trying seasons are special to me because I learn new parts of God that I might not have ever learned at another time in my life.  This new depth of glory that I experience transforms me and changes my countenance to be more like His.

Of course, this doesn't mean that I'm full of joy through every season, but it's in wrestling with my emotions and running to God's presence in my anguish and despair, or my confusion and fear, or my doubt and disbelief, or my rejoicing and happiness that I experience new parts of Him--more life giving meaning in His name.

Transitions from one season to another are a little more difficult sometimes, and almost feel like another season in and of themselves. As I get comfortable in one season then it seems it's time to move on to another. One truth, though, that seems to help me transition from the known to the unknown, is that no matter where I end up next, His love remains the same--a constant firm foundation that I walk and rely upon. As I leave one season for the next, my very understanding of that truth deepens, like roots further in to the ground.

That depth, His new found glory, my flesh burning away and beauty being revealed, makes every season and every circumstance so worth it and so special that I don't want to waste a moment of it complaining. I choose gratitude.

Faith To Stand

I've given my life to Jesus. This is not a secret. These past few years He has really taken me to a deeper understanding of what this actually entails. I've surrendered my entire life to Him--for His glory. My physical body, my mind, my soul, and my spirit are His.

This means a few things: 1. He loves me exactly the way that I am. 2. He loves me too much to let me stay the same (healing, growing, etc.). 3. He will use all parts of me to bring His kingdom and His glory to other people so that they might experience His goodness.

So when He calls me forth, out of where I currently am, it is scary because it's the unknown. Even though I don't want to stay where I am, it's comfortable because it's familiar; I know how to function (sometimes in my dysfunction), and simply, because it is safe here.

But the more I get to know Him the less of this safe life I want. I've gotten to know certain parts of Him in this safe zone, but it leaves me thirsty for MORE of Him. So thirsty, in fact, that it outweighs my fear of the unknown. The mystery of Jesus draws me further away from the shallow waters to take the risk and enter in to the deep--the deeper waters which also include His presence, His glory, His grace. This risk of deeper waters can only be done with faith--trusting in the characteristics of God that I've already experienced and knowing that I've barely scratched the surface of Who He is.

Processing through this (leaving the safe zone for the unknown) and knowing that I'm still holding on to some of the fears that I have, a new song has entered my music library. I've been listening to a song called "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)" from Hillsong United's new album Zion. It is helping me, in worship, to ask the Lord to lead me out; to walk further away from my will and closer to His.

I've asked for this. I've traded my prerogative for His, knowing that as my Creator, He knows ALL of me--my pain, my sin, my deepest thoughts, my heart, and my potential. I trust that when He leads me to walk on the deepest waters, where my feet will fail to hold me up, my faith is what will stand me up to walk further in to the unknown--which will only carry me deeper in to His presence.

I hear you, Jesus. I'm stepping out.

Sneaky Attack: Apathy

People ask me how my Christmas break was.  My easy answer is, “I got to sleep in a lot.”  That was one of the few positives I could think of.  Now, nothing really major happened in those two weeks (except for not having a water heater or washer machine for 4 days)… so why was it so crappy?  Short answer:  because of my attitude!

Fruit of Death:

Apathetic: Having or showing little or no emotion; not interested or concerned; indifferent or unresponsive.

This pretty much explained my attitude for Christmas break.  I didn’t care about hardly anything.  I wasn’t motivated AT ALL.  The problem with this attitude is it also left me feeling hopeless.  I knew the enemy was attacking me, and I knew that he was stealing my joy and inhibiting me from blessing others, but the problem with apathy is the lack of caring… I didn’t have any strength or desire to try to fight.  So how do you fight the enemy when you don’t even care that he’s attacking you?

Reflection:

I realized, in reflecting on 2012, that it was one of the most emotionally intense years I’ve ever had (and I’ve had A LOT).  God had purposely removed me from intentional community (for a time) in to a deeper, more intimate season with Him.  I was to rely on only Him this year (not Him through His body).  The summary of this season for me was to cut all unhealthy dependencies I still had on people for my identity and get them only from the True source.  The difficulty with this is it also meant that every “safe place” I had in people were stripped down, chewed up, burned in the fire, refined (pick any metaphor)… they all fit.  By the end of the year, I was tired.  On the other hand, I have never felt more intimate and close with the Lord, but I had stopped spending time with Him towards the end, so I was only aware of my tiredness.  This obviously gave Satan’s minions the perfect opportunity to attack me with apathy.   I hate giving credit to the enemy, but I have to say it was quite a clever move.  Apathy is a close sister to depression, in which your mood is down, sad, hopeless, yet apathy goes a step further in adding the lack of desire to even TRY to do anything about it.  It sucks!

My Plan:

I didn’t have one… remember, I didn’t care?! 

God’s Plan:

Thankfully He ALWAYS has a plan.  In going back to work and being back on my routine, I started listening to sermons again while getting ready for work.  A few days back in to this I was listening to a sermon on Proverbs 18:21”Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they who indulge in it shall eat the fruit of it [for death or life]”—Amplified.  Basically, I might spend 5 minutes speaking life (the promises of God) while praying, but then the rest of my day I’m thinking and speaking negative things, which produces fruit of death, which then I speak about how that’s the fruit I’m bearing which then produces more fruit of death and it becomes a vicious cycle.  The Lord brought conviction to me on this, so I decided to try and only speak Truth (even though I didn’t feel one shred of it) to see what would happen.  Well, it only took ONE DAY for me to feel something other than apathy.  The desire that came back to me was not to fight or even to change, but a desire to sit with God again.  I desired so much to be in His presence… something that had left me in my apathy.  I had joy in just having this desire back.  So Wednesday morning I sat with Him.  I didn’t say anything to Him and He didn’t say anything to me.  We just sat together.  An hour later I was at Simpson’s first chapel service of the semester.  In singing worship songs to Him I felt something I had missed:  my Lord’s heart, gratitude for Him, joy, repentance!  We took communion.  Before I could eat my juice soaked bread I cried tears of repentance, sorry that I had given so much time to the enemy’s kingdom and not His, sorry that I hadn’t cared about not building His kingdom, and extremely grateful at the same time that Jesus was NEVER apathetic… not even for a second.  My mind rushed with possibilities of what life would be like had He been apathetic even for five minutes while He walked this earth… and I shuttered at those thoughts… which then brought me back to overwhelming gratitude.

Fruit of Life:

I feel free, full of joy, and full of hope for the future.  I am once again excited to impact this world by bringing the kingdom of God to it.  Even more astounding than this, I came home and cooked dinner!!!  I enjoyed it too!!! (There should be many of you laughing at this right now).

Steps in a Nutshell:

1.     I stopped speaking negative words and speaking the promises of God (even though I didn’t feel them).

2.     The fruit of life started to spring up—with one desire.

3.     I acted on this desire and God’s presence is what changed me even further.

4.     This led to me feeling again—feeling repentance, gratitude and joy! 

5.     Now I’m back to bearing the fruit of life!

Thank you Jesus for knowing just what I need!

He Has a Plan for You

After a hard conversation with a friend who is going through a big valley, and listening to a worship song this morning at church, came these thoughts.

A line from the song is, "I have a plan, I have a plan, for you."  I believe that God's ultimate plan for our lives is to bring us to Himself.  It's not about what we will do for God, or what we will accomplish for Him in this life--those aren't "the plans" He has for us--it will be an awesome byproduct, but not the original plan.  His plans for us are to be with Him fully and completely; for ALL of us to be with ALL of Him.

Now, we won't fully accomplish this until we are out of our fleshly bodies, but we can move towards this goal now. 

As we keep going through life's hard challenges, struggles, and pain, He uses these things to try to bring us to Him fully; desiring us to surrender everything: every wall, every mask, every thought, every emotion, every desire, every dream, every circumstance, our entire heart.  When He fully has ALL of us we see MORE and MORE of Him, and in this we become fully alive, filled with His glory, aware of His grace and mercy, changed by his love, and surrounded by His wonderful fragrance.  THESE are the plans He has for us.

Now imagine going in to the world from this place!

Familiar Storm

Current Situation

In 2004 my husband had a back surgery that consisted of a total disc replacement.  His L5/S1 disc had ruptured.  They took out this disc and replaced it with a prosthetic disc.  As of almost 2 weeks ago his L4/L5 disc (the one right above his prosthetic disc) has also ruptured.  This means a lot of pain and numbness in his legs and feet.  His surgeon's office wants to try and manage the pain for the next few years because there are some new medical technologies on the horizon that he would be a great candidate for.

History

In March of 2001, my husband Matt suffered a terrible back injury.  Only a year and a half in to our marriage, we entered in to a wilderness season that would last 10 years.  In this 10 year period (also dubbed the "fast track maturity plan" by my dad), there was much suffering; physically (obviously), mentally, and emotionally... for both of us.  My suffering came in the form of watching my husband and best friend suffer.  I watched him be in constant pain, trying to manage it with addicting pain medication, that really didn't work.  I watched him struggle with the thoughts that he would no longer be able to do any of the physical activities that he used to, while watching all of his friends continue on with them.  He constantly doubted that others even believed him when talking about his pain. He struggled with no longer being able to work and provide for his family. He felt as is if life was happening and passing him on by.  As his wife, I wanted nothing more than to fix everything!  I wanted to stop his physical pain, to bring truth to the lies, and joy to his heart.  But there was NOTHING I could do... except watch. 

The upside to living in the wilderness is God's faithfulness--well, if we choose to follow His leading through it.  We chose to follow Him.  It was dubbed our "fast track maturity plan" years because following Christ through suffering means you grow.  He uses it so we would draw close to Him.  When we draw close to Him we see, feel, and experience His character in ways that blow our minds.  As we learn who He is more and more we begin to learn who we really are and how He really sees us.  The Lord began healing both of our hearts from abuse, pain, sin, false identities, and much more.  He took down all the walls that we had built up and set us free.  For me personally, He delivered me from anxiety, fear, doubt, and healed my heart from wounds of the past.  He told me and showed me that I am beautiful, strong, intelligent, and good enough.  He showed me that I am worth it-- worth pursuing, worth loving, and that there is nothing that I could do to change how He already feels about me... AND that what He feels about me is sufficient enough.  He taught me how to let go of control and trust Him for my husband.  He taught be how to be the wife that my husband really needed.  Much of the same is true for Matt--just in the ways he needed healing, deliverance and freedom.

The results are good. The process is hard.  The freedom in the end is SO worth it.

Feelings

Like I said, our freedom and transformation are indescribable and I wouldn't change anything!  But it was HARD!  The amount and intensity of my feelings through this process was heavy.  I do not miss it.  I mean, no one wants to relive wilderness experiences.  But that's exactly what this new injury feels like.  When Matt told me the news this past week, I was overwhelmed with the feelings of the past.  Especially with certain trigger words, like "pain management", I was brought back to the emotions of the suffering once experienced.  I feared I would have to watch him suffer all over again.  I feared that he would become addicted to the narcotics again.  I feared having to watch him go through dark seasons and feeling helpless through it.  I feared (and still do) the unknown... not knowing when this is going to change... when there will be a solution... when there will be relief.  It hurts me so much to see him in pain.  I'm scared of reliving the past ALL OVER AGAIN!

Truth

The truth is that we are NOT in that wilderness anymore.  The Lord spoke very clearly last year that we were leaving our 10 year wilderness and entering in to the promise land.  We've been living here for a year now.  This injury is a new experience because we are new people experiencing it in a new place.  We have been TRANSFORMED!  We are NOT the people we used to be.  Yes, we have much to learn and grow in, but we are not who we once were!  Our Father is GOOD!  He is FAITHFUL!  He LOVES us with an everlasting love.  He wraps me in His arms and COMFORTS me to my very core.  He WILL do great things through this like He always does... whether that's through a miraculous healing or a deeper spiritual formation.  Either way, everything works together to bring Him glory.

My Attitude

Clearly there's a huge difference between my feelings and the truth.  So what does this mean?  It means it's time to practice what I preach.  Feelings are not to be ignored, stuffed down, or pushed aside.  Yet, feelings also shouldn't be the guide to our choices because they are not stable or reliable.  Before, I held it all in.  Partly because no one ever asked how I felt, but even if they did I don't know that I would have been able to give them an answer... I had no identity, and therefore no confidence to be vulnerable with my heart.  That is different now.  I know who I am in Christ.  My full confidence lies in who He says that I am.  My full confidence also lies in knowing more of who He is.  So I'm choosing to live this out, transparently, to be able to show all who read this the power and faithfulness of Christ, and how this process of living through hard circumstances can look walking with Christ. I'm sharing my feelings because they are what they are.  I'm choosing to live this out in community and allow others to minister to my heart (not an easy thing for me).  I'm processing my feelings and then laying them at the cross.  I'm dealing with my feelings, but believing the truth.  I'm choosing to spend time in His presence allowing Him to love me more which will chase away the fear and fill me with strength and courage.  I'm holding the hand of Jesus as we walk down this unknown path.  My prayerful attitude is this: "Harbor me in the eye of the storm. I'm holding on to the love that you swore." John Mark McMillan