Ok...what? It's a girl?!?!
As many of you know the Lord had clearly shown us that we would be having a boy and his name was to be Samuel. He told us all about who he was and I felt like I totally knew him. Unfortunately, I made the assumption that it was going to be this baby. And it was very clear that this wasn't him. I know God has a plan and that we're in it, so what the heck was going on?
Well, my trusting didn't begin right away. I was in tears the whole way home. It's not because it was a girl, I could care less what the gender was, I was just crying out of complete and utter confusion because this wasn't Samuel. Did I not hear from the Lord? Do I not know His voice? It was so loud and clear on more than one occasion...am I just crazy? And then of course, what is everyone going to think of me? My stupid people pleasing monster rearing it's ugly head again. And then all of a sudden I had no idea who this person was inside of me. I know Samuel so well, but the person already here is completely foreign to me. Who is she? I just want to know who she is? What if God doesn't give us a name for her, while our other kids have names from Him?...Confusion...doubt...more confusion...
Two things Matt said amongst my chaos was, what if we're supposed to ask the Lord for her name and what if God's trying to show us that we're not just going to have 2 kids? Those were pretty much the only things that stuck in my head during our ride home. So later that night I was laying in bed asking God about the whole thing. He showed me that we need to pursue her; that she will have one of those personalities that if we don't ask her how she feels she won't say anything; that if we don't purposefully include her or give her attention that she could easily fall between the cracks. Pretty much the opposite of Alyssum who is bold, strong, loud and very out in front (usually dancing). So I think He is getting us in the mindset of pursuing her now so that this is who she will always be to us. And I kind of have this feeling that we won't be given her name until the end...yikes! I'm glad Matt has the gift of faith!
Now that I've released this to the Lord and am in this frame of mind, I'm starting to get excited to find out who she is...my little girl...my gentle one! I was telling Matt this morning that I'm wondering if she is going to be my little helper when Samuel comes, like a little mommy. Cause going from 2 to 3 kids is going to be DIFF-I-CULT!!! And it will be nice to have someone who will want to help cause I know that doesn't come natural for Alyssum...gentle is SOOOO not in her vocabulary no matter how much we tell her (which is like fifty times a day). But it's kind of interesting cause I've had this feeling in the back of my mind for quite a while that we were going to have 3 kids but not wanting to really admit to it...we shall see! If it is the Lord's plan for us to have 3 kids then I am so grateful that He is preparing me this far in advance for it...He knows I need it!!!
Of course, this is still very fresh. Matt and I are in the process of seeking the Lord in this and are anticipating what He tells us. And now all of you are included in this process.
What an exciting year that lays ahead...
