Weight of Glory pt. II

My Stone (see previous post):

Important.  It's all I've ever wanted to be.  I believe this is a basic human need, the need to feel valued.  But this is why it was disguised for so long... 

My issue:

I've spent my whole life trying to fit in... somewhere... anywhere.  I wanted so bad to feel like I belonged and that I was important... to people.  That's my issue.  I had (and still have) this basic core need to feel valued and important, but I've spent my whole life trying to get people to fill and validate this.  It has only led me to heart break, which created thicker walls and more masks, which thus created even more heart ache... it was a vicious cycle.  Elementary school was my most difficult time and longest lasting wound that set the foundation.  When I was rejected and completely ignored at my own birthday party, I was silently told that who I was wasn't good enough.  So that was the point at which I began wearing different masks.  All throughout Junior High and High School I put on whatever mask I needed to blend in and belong to whatever group of people I was around.  I did what I thought "they" wanted (whomever "they" were at the time).  I didn't know how to be myself.  My "self" got buried deeper and deeper beneath the many masks I had created.  No one truly knew me.  I didn't even know myself.  This lasted throughout my early twenties.  Finally, the Lord took me on this healing journey.  On this journey He showed me who He really was... who I really was... who He had created me to be. (This is the really short version).

Fast forward to now.  I've gotten a lot better at being myself around people.  The next layer of my healing is when it comes to leading others... not depending on what others think of me as I'm standing in a position of authority.  Having to make decisions and have my own opinion on things knowing that not everyone would agree with me, and that in fact some might actually no longer like me because of it has become my new muscle to exercise.  Standing up ALONE (as in with only God and not people) is a muscle that was atrophied that Jesus is strengthening through His own physical therapy.  During one of these painful exercises (I'll spare you the story to keep this short) I had an epiphany.  God's purpose for me my whole life was to stand out... to be a leader.  This makes so much sense as to why all my efforts to blend in with the crowd has always ended in disaster... because it was NOT God's will and purpose for me!  DUH!  Took me 31 years to get this, but OK Lord, I get it!  So my dangerous and scary prayer for a couple of months now has been, "Lord, please do not let any person give me any praise unless You tell them specifically to tell me."  I figured if I live by man's praises then I will also live by his criticisms.  He has been most faithful in answering this prayer.  BUT although it hurts so bad as my flesh dies every time it doesn't get what it wants my heart comes alive and strengthens as I'm forced to spend time in His presence to receive exactly what I need.  He tells me that I'm important in the exact way that I need it... the way my soul craves it.  And this muscle is getting stronger and stronger.  I saw this quote the other day that sums it up perfectly:

"Jesus wasn't moved by people's rejection nor was He moved by their acceptance.  He was moved by the Spirit of God."  Joyce Meyer

So that was my stone. I choose to only seek the Lord to feel important now.  What stone do you need to throw?

Here's the video that our high school group, Catalyst, made when we threw our stones.

Don't Take the Poison

Forgiveness is such a complex thing.  And there are so many misconceptions about it.  A couple of my favorites (enter sarcasm) is that forgiveness is a feeling... that you need to feel forgiveness before you can actually forgive that person.  Or, if I forgive, then that gives the person the right to continue to walk all over me and hurt me.  There are many more (and they might possibly pop up further along in this note), but hopefully I can shed a little light on this subject and give some practical steps to forgive.

We've been going through a series at church called "If God is Good".  We're looking at the life of Joseph and the pain and suffering he went through... which subsequently led to his process of forgiveness.  Being sold in to slavery by his own jealous brothers, he spent an intense 13 years in Egypt (most of it in prison) after being wrongfully accused for something he didn't do.  Then with a turn of events he ends up as second in command in all of Egypt.  Now, there are many important details in this story that lead to the end.  Before this all happened the Lord had given him a dream of his future... a hope!  When he was in prison it says that the Lord was with Joseph, and showed him mercy and loving-kindness and gave him favor in the sight of the warden.  This is a time of suffering... being persecuted for something he didn't do!  And yet, the Lord was with him.  Even amongst this pain Joseph knew that the Lord was with him (exploring this topic will have to be for another time).  Because he knew this he knew God had a purpose for all that he was going through.  Instead of dwelling on how his brothers absolutely betrayed him (which we can all agree he had good right to be seething mad) he already CHOSE to forgive.  And there's the first key word... forgiveness is a choice and not a feeling.  He gave his "right" to revenge to the Lord and trusted that God was in all of this (even though it is SOOO easy to question the whereabouts of God in such horrible circumstances).  He let go of all bitterness and gave the Lord room to seek justice (His perfect justice) on his behalf.  I mean... what good would it have done him to be in prison plotting his brothers' demise... really? NONE!  Except take years off his own life (bitterness dries up the bones) and make his existence a lot more miserable.

So moving on from his initial choice to forgive... he is now second in command of all Egypt and the land is in the middle of a horrible famine.  Joseph's father sends his sons (the infamous brothers) to Egypt to get some food that had been stored for this time.  When they come in to Joseph's presence they don't even recognize him, but he knows who they are immediately.   Before he gets to the moment of revealing his identity he has a moment when he turns away to weep... all the emotions from all those years prior came flooding back.  Does this mean that he really didn't start the process of forgiveness?  NO!  Choosing to forgive someone doesn't mean that you ignore the pain that was caused you (another common lie).  On the contrary, in order to get to the end of the process of forgiveness this release of emotion MUST happen... and perhaps more than once depending on the severity of affliction that you experienced.  I've told this to so many people just in the past month!  It's like we need permission to feel and acknowledge our hurt.  If you just try to sweep this under the rug you will never experience TRUE forgiveness in your heart.  This pain must be completely emptied out of our hearts and souls... it's only then can we let compassion (seeing the person as God sees them) fill us and begin to change our very core. 

Which this brings me to the next point.  On Sunday it was said that it's in the place of compassion that we learn to forgive.  So if compassion is seeing as God sees then how do we get there?  This was a huge lesson that I learned when I walked through my own forgiveness story (at least one of them).  Many years ago I had a friend that hurt me deeply.  I hated confrontation so my coward self only wanted to run from the situation and pretend like it never happened.  In a strange way it did kind of just "go away", but little did I know that it was far from over.  It was about a year later that the Lord brought to my attention that I hadn't forgiven her.  I suppose sitting in church, glaring at her, and hoping that all of her prayer requests weren't answered should have been my first clue that I still wasn't over this... Anyways, after the Lord revealed my unforgiveness towards her it was time to walk down the road of letting go.  I had NO idea how to even begin the process to forgive her... like I said, I didn't want good things to happen to her.  But this is exactly where the Lord had me begin.  Praying for her!  What, Lord?!?!  You know how much I DON'T want to pray for her and that's what you want me to do???  In obedience to the Lord, I attempted.  I have to admit it was REALLY difficult for a while.  My flesh was TOTALLY against it.  My prayers started off something like this: "Lord... bless her. Amen."  That was all I could get out.  But even starting at this, in my obedience, the Lord did for me what I could not.  He began to soften my heart.  My prayers got a little longer, and a little more meaningful as time went on.  I actually became sincere in what I was asking for on her behalf.  I was kind of shocked.  I was starting to have compassion for her.  I chose to forgive, did what the Lord asked of me, and the next thing I knew my heart was free!  No more bitterness!  The interesting thing is she wasn't a part of this at all.  Before this I wanted an apology from her.  I wanted her to tell me how wrong and mean she was.  I wanted HER to validate my feelings, my pain.  But that was NOT what needed to happen.  I needed to vent my feelings to the Lord... the only one that can truly validate me.  I needed to pray for my "enemy" because in that the Lord filled me with His compassion (after I had been emptied of my pain).  Then with His compassion (seeing her and the situation through God's eyes) true forgiveness was achieved and felt.  Forgiveness isn't about the other person... it's about you.. and me.  It's about being free and not letting the person who offended you to continue to have control over you.  I heard this description before and think it is so accurate in describing unforgiveness and bitterness:  Unforgiveness is like drinking the poison and expecting the other person to die.  Don't drink the poison.  In fact, throw the poison away and allow the Lord's life giving water to flow through your body instead.

Now, I must clarify that that there is a clear difference between forgiveness and restoration.  Forgiveness you do on you own with the Lord.  Restoration is what may or may not take place in the relationship even after forgiveness has happened.  I'm a firm believer in healthy boundaries... but that's for another note.

If you want to read the rest of Joseph's story it's in Genesis 45.  After his forgiveness there is restoration... for the most part.  His brothers still doubted for a long time that Joseph had truly forgiven them because it was so unbelievable that someone could forgive such an act.  Again, that's a whole other subject!

I hope this has encouraged you to choose to go down the road to forgiveness.. even if it's forgiveness of yourself...

Ocean Of Tears

A couple of Sundays ago at church, during our time of worship, a word was spoken over my husband and I.  The picture was this:
        
Your time has come.  But you already knew that.  All the tears that you have cried over the years has been collecting in to a stream, then in to a river, and now in to an ocean that is behind you.  Your tears have flowed in to an ocean of healing that people will jump in to.  That when they jump in to this ocean they will receive His healing.

At the sound of these words I fell on my face in total worship to Jesus.  What I heard in that moment was that all of our years of suffering wasn't for nothing.  I mean, I already knew that on so many levels because of the fruit that has been produced in both of our lives.  In the midst of our suffering we chose to press in to the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit; through our tears we relied on our God to walk us through it.  And that is exactly what He did.  In our pain He showed us who He really was.  In knowing His true character we trusted Him enough when He asked us to face our pain... to know that He wouldn't leave us, but that He would walk with us through all of it... straight to the source.  Once we became aware of our deep wounds He was faithful to heal them. 

This path of healing, however, is not an easy one.  It is very scary.  Some of us don't believe we are worthy enough for healing.  Some of us believe that if we face the pain of our past that it will be too much... so overwhelming that it might actually kill us.  Some of us are afraid to let go of the pain because in a weird way it has become our companion... our friend... our "normal"... the fear of the unknown is too much... "who will I be without this pain?"  The fear of not having an identity is unbearable... that it's better to have a victim identity than no identity at all.  I am here to tell you (as someone who has been on both sides of this now) that those are ALL LIES!  Lies by an enemy that fears who you are in your freedom.  If the Father is gracious enough to send His son to die a horrible death for us... if Jesus is willing to suffer a horrible death, then certainly you are worth it!  If the Holy Spirit is your companion to walk with you through pain and suffering then it will never be too much to bear.  If our God is willing to take us this far in the process to the point of healing He will certainly not stop there, but will clothe you with every truth of who you really are and who He as made you to be (your REAL identity).

This takes me back to the vision.  I don't believe that this was just for Matt and I.  I believe that this is for everyone who has cried an oceans worth of tears in the Lord's presence.  I truly believe that if you are willing to go through the process of healing that others in your life will be able to jump in to the ocean of tears that you have cried and receive healing from our great God.

Cinderella Story: A different perspective

The story of Cinderella has been with most of us ladies since we were first introduced to stories and books as little girls. And most of us have been intrigued with it ever since. The idea of being a sub-servant nobody, and treated so horribly only to be saved by a handsome prince, and put into the position of power and control and be redeemed for all the years of suffering; to be finally told that you are worth something, important to someone, and treated as beautiful royalty. What girl doesn't fantasize about that, even just a little?

What if this story doesn't have to be a fantasy, but something that can be very real? The catch is that we have to change our perspective of the story and align it up with what God has for us.

Looking at the Cinderella story, how many of us still feel like we are in the low down, floor scrubbin', meal making, 'come when everyone calls' stage of the story? Never dressed up feeling beautiful, often feeling powerless, and only living to fulfill the dreams of those you're serving? This is where we learn a new lesson. This part of the story is vital! Not just because she is rescued by her knight in shining armor, and not only because she was redeemed in the end, but because of the character training she went through during her time at the bottom; because of the brokenness she experienced and had to survive through...it was this part of her life that made her who she was...the kind of woman that understood human nature, the good, the bad, and the ugly. It was this part of her life that taught her how to manage power correctly and treat people with respect and honor...even when they didn't deserve it. It was this part of her life that made her attractive to a prince. The character she developed and the woman she became brought such life to his world that he looked past all social-economic barriers that he would have faced. Also, her dream to bring justice to a corrupt world was born out of this time of her life. Had she skipped this servant life she would not know the need, the brokenness that others had faced. Once in a place of power, there would have been no empathy shown to the people she was about to lead.

So what if our toilet scrubbing, diaper changing, order taking life was for a purpose...and I mean more than shaping our kids and supporting our husbands (which are very important things)? What if this servant lifestyle we are in is vital to the bigger dream God has for our lives? The greatest leaders in the Bible lived servant lifestyles prior to seeing their God dream fulfilled. Abraham was promised as many descendants as there were stars in the sky...and an amazing land flowing with milk and honey. Yet he didn't have a child until he was 100 years old, and then raised his family in that promised land, before it was even his, living as a foreigner in a tent. But it taught him how to rely on the Lord, which was a vital skill to be the father of a nation! Then there's king David. First living as the youngest boy of seven, being a shepherd out in the fields most of his childhood, to being a servant to king Saul, then to living in caves for fourteen years, being hated and trying to stay alive. He knew he was anointed to be king that whole time, yet the time he spent prior to becoming king was vital. It made him one of the greatest kings of all time. The list goes on, Joseph, Moses, and even Jesus...they all lived the lives of servants before fulfilling their life's purpose. What that life of servanthood looked like was different, but the brokenness achieved was the same. With the exception of Jesus being perfect anyway, the character that these other men developed was a vital key in living out their purpose. None of them would have succeeded without this season.

So going back to Cinderella...

Does this mean if you're single to expect a knight in shining armor? Or that one day you will no longer have to clean toilets? Or that you will have a kingdom to rule someday? NO! What I am saying is that God does have an amazing purpose for you. Cinderella's purpose was to eventually rule a kingdom. Yours is something different. Even if you don't believe me...it's true. And if you think you are not moving toward it right now because your life consists of nothing exciting and just serving everyone else...you're wrong. Being at the bottom, living the life of a servant, is vital to fulfilling the purpose God has for your life. So when your serving yours, you can do it with hope and joy...knowing you are going through an intense training period for future greatness!

Unforgiveness and Fear

So many of us live in fear. It drives us, leads us, tells us what to do and what to say...it controls our life. Whether it is fear of failure, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of what others' think of us or any other millions of fears that are possible, most often it is rooted in unforgiveness!

We live in a world of sin, pain, and suffering. Therefore we have ALL been hurt by someone. Some of us have been hurt by many. Sometimes it is the same sin or pain done by many to reinforce the logic to have the fear. Unfortunately, holding onto the fear doesn't do us any good and it doesn't bring us any justice! If you've read my last blog entry from my birthday last year, then you will get a good glimpse of how the things done to me so many years ago bred a lot of fear, and it did me NO good! It wasn't until I forgave all of those girls for the specific actions that they did to me that I was able to release my fear of rejection. My fear of what others thought of me was so gripping, my life used to look so different (and obviously, not in a good way!) But since I forgave, I have been set free!!! God's love was able to come in and fill that part of my mind and heart that unforgiveness was once taking...and where there is perfect love there is no fear!

My God is so much bigger than anything I can possibly fear! Our God is so much bigger than anything we can fear!

If you are living in any kind of fear, ask the Lord to show you where it's coming from. Is it from someone in your past that has wounded you deeply that you need to forgive? And when I say to forgive I don't just mean in general...BE SPECIFIC...that is crucial! There is often so many little hurts hiding within the huge obvious pain. To bring justice to your life is to let that person/s, and his/her actions, go and allowing freedom to rule your life! And just and FYI: forgiveness is NOT a feeling...don't wait until you feel like forgiving to actually forgive...it'll never come! You must speak it out, especially when it goes against every fiber of your being, speak the words, "I forgive ________ for _______." And if there are 100 things, then speak all 100. Sometimes the release and the freedom will happen in an instant, sometimes it takes saying it over and over for days on end until you feel the freedom. BUT IT IS SO WORTH IT!!!! Forgive and be free of fear!!!

Birthday Blues

So for the most part I am content and full of joy. I don't feel like there is a lot of drama in my life or hardcore issues that I'm currently working out. Of course, the Lord is constantly teaching, changing, healing me, ect..., but it hasn't been mind consuming lately...that is until my birthday rolls around.

Now it's not the typical issue you might think. I love getting older...I always feel a little wiser than the year before. And I look forward to the years to come! My issue comes from the actual celebration part of my birthday. And not from family, but celebration with friends. My problem is that I know why I have this issue and it really bothers me that no matter what I do, or how many times I've tired to give it to the Lord, it doesn't go away. And it all comes from one incident that happened when I was in the sixth grade.

That particular year I decided to have a sleep over for my birthday. I invited my group of friends (which, a more accurate assessment is the group of popular girls that I tried so desperately to be friends with) to enjoy a night of swimming, sitting in the spa, eating tons of junk food and all the other fun things girls like to do at slumber parties. And to my joy, everyone came. The problem was that my attempt to be noticed, included and liked ended up being a disaster that set off the beginning of my friendship issues for the next 15 years (which that is way more in depth than I plan to go in this blog...this is just in regards to my birthday).

So as the night went on the 2 most popular girls of the group stole the show. As we were sitting in the spa they were carrying on in the most dramatic form of how they were going to kills themselves...that they were going to drown themselves right there in the spa. Of course, they were being ridiculous and not the least bit truthful, but it was getting them exactly what they wanted, which was everyone elses undivided attention (except for mine). It got to the point where I finally just left and went upstairs into my room. The more crushing part was that they didn't even notice that I was gone...IT WAS MY HOUSE AND MY BIRTHDAY PARTY...how could they not notice that I wasn't even there anymore???!!!

Anyways, as ridiculous as this story might sound to some of you, it was one of my most crushing, heartbreaking nights ever. Because of this I'm too afraid to celebrate my birthday with anyone other than my family (and Michele, my bff). I'm afraid to have a party thinking that no one will show up, or that no one would pay any attention to me, or that they would come out of obligation and not cause they were truly excited to celebrate with me...I'm afraid of being rejected again...my wounded heart can't handle it. It was proven to me then that my birthday wasn't something special enough...which makes me feel not special enough. I know this wound is deep because even with Sarah's attempt to change this for me with our dinner at Chevy's (which, Sarah, I love you and I'm thankful for your heart), it still wasn't enough. Instead of appreciating everyone that came, I felt rejected by the people that didn't. And my heart clutters my mind with thoughts like, "oh, there mostly here for her and not you." I know this is stupid and completely illogical, which is why I hate this and have put off dealing with it year after year. Unfortunately, it seems to just be getting harder and harder to ignore it. I"m tired of crying over this. I need help. I need prayer.

Jesus, please take this hurt from me...

Fill Me

So this morning at church, God totally filled me in a way that I didn't know I needed. Towards the end of the amazing last message on Heaven, we were asked to put our hands out in front of us, in a receiving position, if we wanted to be filled with the Spirit. I'm always up for that so I put my hands out, as did Matt. With our hands being close together he just reaches over and puts his hand under mine, as if he were holding it up. Just as he did that the Lord spoke to me and told me that my husband was totally supporting me too. My tears burst forth.

Now just to clarify, during the majority of our marriage, it was very clear that Matt was to be my support mentally and emotionally until I finished school; that our sacrifices as a family would be to support this goal. So now, during this last year, God has called me to be Matt's armor bearer as he's working, going to school, and dreaming business dreams. But apparently, in my mind, I took this as not only being his support, but also solely sustaining myself; so I was supporting both of us...by myself...or so I thought. The interesting thing is that I didn't even know that I took on this extra burden until the Lord took it away today by telling me and showing me that Matt was supporting me too, especially in my newest role of motherhood (which if you read my previous blog would understand that implication). So my new thought is that just because I'm Matt's armor bearer right now doesn't mean that he is not supporting me at all...he is big time. He's still my husband and best friend and will always be my hugest support mentally and emotionally. It's just that now I should focus on being his in these specific areas and that we are making more sacrifices on his behalf right now and not mine. That sounds way more balanced.

So when we got in the car to go home, I began to tell Matt of how the Lord did something amazing for me when he put his hand underneath mine. But before I was able to tell him what exactly the Lord had done, he tells me that the Lord told him to put his hand underneath mine, to flex his arm, and not let me hold my own weight of my arm! I started laughing with joy. I just figured that he was holding my hand during that time, but no! God was telling him to support my hand up! We were both laughing with joy! God is so amazing!

Thank you Lord for shining your light on the thoughts I didn't even know I had and for taking them away and replacing them with your truth...thank you Lord for filling me today!

A seed. A spark. A flame

So I begin this blog with a little brief history. As many of you know I didn't grow up as the girl dreaming of having babies and being a mom. I knew I would have kids some day, but it wasn't the first thing on my list...or the second...or the third! I baby sat once and it was a disaster. Caring for babies and young children intimidated me. I was never around any so it was totally an unknown subject for me.

Unfortunately, this fear grew and turned to criticism as an adult. I so quickly judged parents for every perceived negative action. Unruly kids in restaurants or grocery stores and the parent's disciplinary actions or lack thereof are just some of the things I would judge in my heart...and being the psychology nut that I am, I totally justified my thoughts because I was just "analyzing" them and supposedly coming up with better solutions, which in reality, I had no clue.

So years of judgement finally brings me to the year before I became pregnant with Alyssum. During worship at the Stirring one night, the Lord told me to put out my hands because He wanted to give me something. So with my eyes closed and my hands out in front of me, I see His hand reach down and set something very small into my hands. I asked Him what it was and He told me that it was a seed. In my curiosity I asked what the seed was for. He said it was a seed of love. Of course, I'm thinking do I not have love? But He said it was a seed of love for a child...

My response: Ok....

So a couple of months later, Matt and I were enjoying a nice evening in my parent's hot tub. For some reason long car rides and hot tubs are the best places to get into great, deep conversations. So, as usual, we get into a great conversation which somehow leads to the Lord convicting me of my critical heart. By this point I'm crying in repentance because this is something that ran deep in me. While in this posture of repentance, the Lord shows me that this judgement is really coming from a place of fear which He was now removing from my heart. After He did this He reminded me of the seed He gave me a couple of months prior and places the seed in the now void spot of my heart. His perfect love (for children) casted out all of my fear (of having children and being a good mom). It was the beginning because 3 months later I became pregnant with Alyssum.

In the middle of my pregnancy, I was at life group one night and the Lord put it on others' hearts to pray for me. During this prayer time the Lord took me on a little journey showing me how He had healed my heart, layer by layer, over the past 4-5 years and how now there was one little corner of my heart that was still completely walled off. I could see the wall in my mind, but I had no idea what was on the other side of it; what had I been protecting or closing off all these years? Well, when He broke through the wall there was the word "motherhood" on the other side. Apparently, I did have it in me all along, I just barricaded it off a long time ago (probably after that disastrous babysitting experience). And now that it was no longer walled off, He was going to start growing it and strengthening it in me...with His seed of love.

So fast forward to just a couple of months ago, I started seeing evidence of just how much God had already grown this part of my heart. I started experiencing feelings I hadn't before...for example, with this second pregnancy and knowing what to expect with having a baby (all the hard stuff), all I could think about was how I couldn't wait to hold her and love her. This might sound strange to some of you moms out there thinking that this is a totally normal feeling, but it wasn't for me. All I knew was fear. Yet, because of what God had already done thus far, my heart is so much more open to loving my kids now than it was even just a year ago. Of course, this is just a testimony for Alyssum and how God has used her so powerfully in my life at such a young age. But after realizing how much God had grown my love already, I felt like such a better parent...my patience level went up and my attitude drastically improved. In other words, my flesh decreased, and the Spirit increased in my parenting skills.

So now to just 3 weeks ago. I woke up, went to church, and was in the worse mood ever (I blame the pregnancy hormones). During worship I just stood there not wanting to do anything but be mad for absolutely no reason. So God told me to just close my eyes...so I did. (If you haven't noticed by now, I love the use of imagery, so God speaks to me very much in this way). With my eyes closed, I picture the opening of a cave and hear the Lord tell me to go inside. So once I'm inside I see a campfire burning and He tells me to just go and sit by the fire and rest. After sitting by the fire and gazing into it's flames for awhile, I look down and notice that I'm no longer pregnant, but Olivia was in a little cradle nearby. He told me that she was completely taken care of and for me not to worry, but just to relax, alone, by the fire. By the last song of the worship set, with my eyes still closed, I look up and see the Lord's presence on the other side of the fire...not in human form, but a large bright glowing presence. By this point, God had unhardened my heart just enough to sing the song and lift my hands up to Him, only in my minds eye though, by the fire. Then worship was over. I opened my eyes and sat down feeling drastically different than I did when worship began. How amazing that God brought me so much peace and rest and even a little break from being pregnant. He knew exactly what I needed to change my heart and attitude. As the rest of the day went on, my attitude got better and better without me even trying. Also, with my stressful week that lay ahead, He took me back to that cave by the fire every night as I fell asleep.

So 2 Sundays ago during the 5pm Stirring service we sang a song by Delirious and David Crowder called Obsession. The chorus repeats the words "my heart burns for you". So the first time we got to the chorus I closed my eyes to sing it to the Lord. I was only able to get through saying the line one time when God immediately brought me back to the cave, the fire, and His presence standing there with me. He cuts me off and starts singing these words to me...that's right...He's singing it to me! My heart was overwhelmed with His love. Not only was He singing to me, but I realized that this fire I had been sitting by, relaxing by was His heart burning for me. That's why it brought me such rest because I was staring into His heart, His love burning for me. My tears were uncontrollable at this point. I felt so undeserving, especially because it was my bad attitude that led Him to bring me here in the first place and all He's doing is overwhelming me with His love! After fully understanding His love for me in this moment, He then has me look over to the side, by where Olivia was (still in the little cradle), and while giving me a spark from His fire, He told me to have a fire like this for my kids...so that they would be able to look and see my heart burning for them. Right after that I could see the spark turn to flames. I now had a small fire burning, my heart burning, for my kids. My tears kept flowing. I had been praying for months for Him to show me how to be a better parent, to show me how to love my kids, to not let my flesh take control. He showed me by giving me a true understanding of His love for me! The amazing thing is that it still isn't my human love pouring into my kids, it is His love flowing through me to them! So wonderful!

I can't explain the freedom I feel. The love is just pouring out of me onto my daughter and my unborn daughter. A huge lesson from the women's retreat was that we cannot love others unless we are receiving God's love first. I can seriously feel this truth flowing right through me. So many years were spent living in fear. Not only is the fear gone, but His love and freedom are surpassing it beyond anything I could have ever imagined! I just can't wait for the fire to keep growing!

Keep It Going

Six different elephants in the church we've talked about. All of them very important. I think the two that carry the most shame and embarrassment, especially for women, is the "Sexy Elephant" and the "Porn Addicted Elephant". If you have no idea what I'm talking about go to thestirring.org and listen to the podcasts.

These messages at church have finally opened the door for us women to talk about this area...to bring everything into the light...whether hurts or sin...God wants it all...He wants freedom for us all. I've already been apart of many conversations with single and married women and we must keep going. Just because it's not being talked about in the front of the church anymore doesn't mean we stop talking about it. All of us have been affected by sex. So instead of just keeping it to ourselves because of shame or guilt, lets talk about it and live in freedom. God wants and has always intended for this area to be a blessing in our lives, not a source of pain.

So let's talk about it! Talk to me...talk with a friend...talk with someone you trust...just talk and allow the Lord's light to fill this dark place!

Desolate? Controlling? or Both?

The third chapter of Captivating discusses how women, in our sin nature, because of the fall/curse, tend to either be contolling or we become desolate and withdraw all together. In talking about this today with a few friends, it seems that we all had a little of both; well, we may have favored one over the other, but we still went in both directions. The most common tactic seemed to be that we withdraw from others and protect our vulnerability by not even giving others a chance to hurt us and then we become controlling with our immediate surroundings,i.e our homes, family members etc., to help us still feel like we are in control and that we are choosing to live like this.

But this is not what we really want! We just feel alone, abandoned, and not good enough.

This is not how God created us!

If we felt lovely, beautiful, wanted, if we felt truly at rest with how God created us, then we wouldn't feel the need to control; we wouldn't feel the need to withdraw. It seems that the need to feel wanted is the most common issue at the moment within our church body. For months now so many of us have struggled with feeling like we aren't wanted by others. Although this issue will never be 100% gone until we are with the Lord, I have to say that I am so proud of us Stirring ladies speaking out about this; we are being honest; we are being vulnerable; we are fighting against the enemy and he is losing ground fast! Keep up the fight ladies. Let your warrior princess out and allow your beauty to shine through...we need it...I need it...our men need it...our kids need it...our church body needs it...the world needs it!

Characteristics of God

Well, now that I'm reading through Captivating again, for the fifth, sixth or seventh time, yet again something stirs in me...perhaps my heart and my passion that God has given me for this lifetime, but whatever it is, it is energizing! I'm also amazed at how I can read through a book so many times and have it move me and teach me in new ways every time. So just to give credit where it is due, my upcoming blogs (whatever they may be) will most likely reference that book...alot! On with this blog...

There is a song that we sing at church quite often that speaks the same thing to me everytime. We sang that song this past Sunday, and yet again, the Lord reminds me of the same message. I don't know the name of the song, but the chorus goes something like this:

I want to hear the thunder of where you are
To be captured inside, the wonder of who you are
I want to live
I want to breathe
to search out your heart and all of your mysteries

I think it is more common for us to see what traits of God that a man has; man was made in God's image, and although the word "man" is supposed to represent "mankind", sometimes I think it is easy to forget that woman was made in God's image too. We never hear that phrase "woman was made in God's image". I don't care that we use the word "man" to mean "mankind", I just think it might help remind us ladies that we bear certain characteristics of God...characteristics that men don't have...and that makes us unique and very important.

So back to why this song is important to me. We often hear, speak, and sing of God as a warrior; He defends us; He battles for us; He rescues us; He saves us. We are His bride. But this song represents to me characteristics of God that women have. God longs for us to love Him, to seek after Him, to be captured by who He is. If you think about it, this is what a woman longs for too. We are often condemned for being too complicated and mysterious. Because of this we often feel like we're too much or we're not worth the effort. Therefore, we either lower our standard and just let anyone in or we put up a wall and let no one near. But it shouldn't have to be like this. The mystery of a woman should be celebrated...God created us this way...in His image. When a woman feels sought after, that her heart is genuinely being searched for, that someone is longing to know who she is, and then when that person is really captured by what they find, it is then that a woman feels most alive, most loved, and truly content. I guess this is a good definition of what it means to be romanced. It's not the receiving of the flowers and candy that romances us, it's knowing that someone wants to do those things for us that truly melts our hearts. It is the same for God. He doesn't want our acts of service or our money, He wants us to want to serve or to give. But this isn't just for romantic relationships. I think this goes for friendships as well. To know that I have a friend or friends that would truly want to know who I am does the same for the heart. Also, being rejected by a friend leaves similar wounds.

So, if you're a woman reading this, reread the chorus above and pretend like it is a poem from someone (romantically or from a friend) written to you. Doesn't it just melt your heart?