My Dear Friend...

The last few days have been extremely difficult.  How do you put into words, feelings so deep there seem to be none that exist?  There is a wrestling of deep pain and deep joy that are intertwined within me.  This is putting my brain in to a state of confusion and deep longing to at least try and understand what just happened.  But is that even possible?  Can human sense be made out of what seems to be a huge injustice?  One of the most beautiful souls I've ever known wakes up one day with cancer and is gone within three months...  A woman whose whole life was to love others, lead people through healing, and bring heaven to earth wherever she went...  A sister and friend who cared deeply, loved passionately, and dreamed bigger dreams for others to encounter the healing power of Christ...  Gone, in the blink of an eye. Ummm, what?!

My mind screams that this is not ok! NOT OK!!!

And I know it's ok to be angry because I miss her SO MUCH!

But I'm not here to answer the questions of suffering in this world.  I know what I believe because of my own journey, and that is something of a heart knowledge to attain, not a head knowledge.  If you would like to journey into such matters, let me share what has helped me:

"The reverent and worshipful fear of the Lord is the beginning (the chief and choice part) of Wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight and understanding." Proverbs 9:10 AMP.

In fact, there's a great sermon on it by Mark:  http://www.thestirring.org/podcast/140817.the.fear.of.the.lord.mark.mp3

Like I said, though, I'm not trying to tackle heavy theological questions today.  I don't even have the energy for that.  Right now, all I can do is choose what I will focus on while letting go of what was.  I think it's a great temptation to focus on everything that's been taken.  I've already been to four memorial services this year, with a fifth now coming, accompanied by more devastating news of a loved one in my life.  The temptation is great with so much loss.

But the quote that plays again and again in my head is from the movie based on CS Lewis' Narnia book, Voyage of the Dawn Treader.  King Caspian has spent all of his time, energy, and resources chasing after what had been taken from him (especially his father).  When he reaches the shores of Aslan's country and given the choice to enter in and see his father again, he has an epiphany that is most applicable.

"I've spent too long wanting what was taken from me and not what was given.  I was given a kingdom... people... I promise to be a better king."

Our dearest friend and sister, Rebecca, going home, especially in the time and manner she did, feels wrong.  But that cannot be my focus, our focus.  Instead, she brought heaven to earth and each of us were given a piece of that.

What piece of heaven did she give you?  Faith?  Joy?  Courage?  Courage to trust?  Wisdom?  Patience?  Comfort?  Rest?  Love?  Peace?  Compassion?  Strength?  Hope?  All of the above?

Whatever we've been given from her, that is what we need to focus on, steward, multiply, and then give away.  Expand heaven on earth from what piece of it she has given to you and me!  I think I can say with confidence that this is exactly what she would want.

My dear friend,

Thank you!  Thank you for your love and your friendship.  Thank you for sharing your hopes and dreams with me, and gladly listening to mine.  Thank you for the deep conversations and the great laughs.  Thank you for your encouragement.  Thank you for being a constant bright light of Jesus in this dark and broken world.  I miss you terribly!!  In this pain, though, I thank you for leading me to a deeper understanding, at the core of my being, of the power of resurrection life!

Until we meet again...

                                                   Brett and Emily Photographers

Finding Beauty and Rest in the Waiting

Have you ever had to wait for something?  Of course you have.  Ever find yourself impatient while waiting - especially if it has to do with big life changes?  We are usually so eager to get to the new thing that we miss out on the huge portion of our lives that are found in the in-between… in between the events, seasons, or places.

I have to say that learning to trust the Lord in the waiting is something I have had much opportunity to practice (as I’m sure you have as well), and I’m finally beginning to see the beauty in this precious, just-as-important-as-the-event time.  As I was praying for a friend last night, someone also in this waiting period, the Holy Spirit gave me a clear picture as to the importance and beauty of this time, especially if we are unclear as to what exactly the next event, season, or place is:

It’s as if we are sitting down at a table with Jesus working on a puzzle.  He has all the pieces, and He gives them to us to put together.  He doesn’t put the puzzle together, we do. We have no idea what the picture is either, as it will be a picture of what He has next for us.  If you’ve ever tried working on a puzzle when you don’t know what the picture is, it is practically impossible.  So here we are, putting a puzzle together with Jesus, and don’t know what the end result will be.  Sometimes He will give us a few pieces at once, and sometimes He will wait a while in between the pieces (His timing of a complete puzzle is perfect, right?).  But how do we find ourselves while waiting for the next piece?  We are usually so taken and focused on trying to figure out what this picture is going to be that we are horribly missing out on two other things.  1. We are missing out on the uniqueness of each individual puzzle piece.  Yes, by itself it is not a complete picture, but there aren’t two pieces alike, and each hold a very important place to the whole.  2. We are missing (what is the most important part) actually enjoying the presence of Jesus at the table, OUR table.  HE IS SITTING AT OUR TABLE, YOUR TABLE, MY TABLE!  The act of actually putting the puzzle together somehow no longer seems to be the most important part.  When we have a puzzle piece in our hand, we are focused not on the Giver of the piece, but on where it goes in the puzzle.  If He chooses to wait to give us another piece, it’s because He wants us to just gaze in to His eyes and BE WITH HIM.  

Unfortunately, we are usually sitting there, very anxious, with our hands out begging Him for the next piece because we are SO desperate to know what’s next – to know what further purpose we will have – to find more validation by what we do.  But the puzzle is not the primary point, or even the secondary point.  The primary point of even sitting there working on this puzzle is to BUILD RELATIONSHIP with Jesus.  He is our Savior and our Friend… to just BE with Him, gazing in to the flames of His eyes, seeing His love burn for us, will give us all the validation we need.  The secondary purpose is to build trust, in which we find peace.  And that peace is SO much better than the piece we are usually asking for.  The next piece does not bring us peace… trusting the Lover of our soul is what does; knowing His intentions for us are perfect; believing that He gives us the next piece, the perfect next piece, exactly when we need it.

The fruit of the primary and secondary points of this is what actually makes the task of putting this puzzle together possible.   Like I said before, putting a puzzle together when you don’t even know what the picture is makes it almost impossible.  But, when our focus is on our Savior’s eyes, instead of His hands, we are overwhelmed with His beauty, and holiness, and glory, and love, and we find ourselves able to trust Him.  We then also find our true purpose.  Because we find our true purpose while staring at Him and not the puzzle, we then have understanding for the next piece to the puzzle He gives us.  We see it’s uniqueness, and we see how it fits in the puzzle, even though we don’t yet know the end result. 

With this, the process of putting this puzzle together becomes the necessary growth, character development, and trust building exercise that we need once the puzzle is complete and we finally see what the full picture is.  Had we seen what was next for us before we were ready… well, you can imagine your reaction.  Mine would have been something like fear, inadequacy, fear of failing, etc.  But He is SO good.  He is truly the Lover of our souls.  Not only does He hold the next puzzle piece for me and for you, but He’s also holding our hearts.   

That beauty, HIS beauty, will leave you breathless. 

That is His rest.  It’s in the waiting.

Will you enter in?

The Journey of Trust Continues...

Lately I've been reflecting on where we were this time last year.  I was still recovering from surgery, Matt was still feeling his excruciating back pain, with the inability to breathe because his lymph nodes were pressing against his wind pipe. We still didn't know the cause at that point and there was a high probability of it being cancer.  There was so much uncertainty to our future... with the biggest question wondering if Matt was even going to be in it.

We are no longer in that type of survival mode... having to trust Jesus with our very physical lives, and I am extremely grateful for that! Yet, what is interesting to me is how last year prepared us for the type of "survival mode" we find ourselves in this year.  Last year was by far the most difficult of our lives, so why does this one seem harder?

Our previous season came down to one thing: life or death.  That may seem extreme, but if you have experienced that kind of pain before, you know that you think of nothing else.  Plus add in the actual threat of a deadly disease, and well, it actually becomes life or death.  This kind of foundational level of human existence being questioned exposes and cultivates where our hope and reliability actually come from.  For us there was no question.  We relied on the Truth; the Word; the living and breathing Word, Jesus.  If not that, then what?  Ourselves? Ha!  We tried that... it only brought chaos, anger, frustration, anxiety, sadness, and hopelessness.  No thanks!  Our attempt at trying to have some kind of control over a situation that was out of our hands only validated our helplessness.  So instead of focusing on our helplessness we chose to focus on One who is Master over all.

But to take it a step further, although we desperately wanted answers and our situation to change, that was not what we sought.  I think that when we seek His hand, what He can give us, or what He can change, more than simply seeking Him, our hearts might still be in that place of needing to control.  This just leads us to create expectations of God, which if are not met, leads to all those feelings mentioned above, adding to it blaming God because of now feeling abandoned by Him.

Not to say that we shouldn't ask Him for things.  He longs for us to pour out our hearts and desires to Him, but we just need to be aware of our motivation behind the asking.

So this leads me to now.  We are no longer in a life and death, black and white situation.  We have moved deeper in to matters of the heart, and let's face it, that is MESSY!  What I found astonishing is how this seems harder... it is harder to trust because there is so much more complexity to the situation.  Life and death, black and white, this or that, all provide only two options.  Now we are faced with the vast expansion of our unknown future, the uprootedness of our present, and the memories of our past.  TOO MANY OPTIONS! There is so much more chaos to this current circumstance that requires a deeper level of trust -- which I don't know would have been possible for me had I not trusted Him with my very life, and the life of my husband's, last year.  Because we anchored ourselves in Him through our physical pain, we are able to anchor ourselves in Him when our entire life seems unknown.

There are only two things really that can fully numb us in order to run from physical pain, mind altering substances or death.  Choosing reliance on God is a simpler choice (not easy, but simple).  There are so many more options to run from heart pain, especially when you feel completely uprooted in the present.  There are so many more possibilities for us to try and take control.  The temptation is greater than ever.

But, of course, He never ceases to amaze me.  He knew I needed to learn that kind of dependence on Him in order to continue in that same dependence when it no longer is a life and death situation.  It's easier to rely on Him when you have nothing else.  Now the illusion appears that we have more options to escape our situation... to escape this feeling of panic of our unknown future with a disconnected present, especially when it reminds us of our past.  But we must hold fast to Him... put our heads down and stay anchored in Him no matter what.  He has proven Himself faithful EVERY SINGLE TIME... I am positive that will be the one thing that doesn't change... HE is the ONE thing that never changes.

"So God has given us both His promise and His oath.  These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie.  Therefore, we who have fled to Him for refuge can take new courage, for we can hold on to His promise with confidence. This confidence is like a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls.  It leads us through the curtain of heaven into God's inner sanctuary."  Hebrews 6: 18-19 NLT

In the Midst of Suffering

Suffering can either close you up or take you deeper in to healing and freedom.  Suffering is just another set of stormy waves as you're walking out upon the waters.  But we must remember that these waves and this ocean bow at His holy name.

Calm waters don't require trust.  They might be calm when we first step out, but then we get the hang of it and almost feel like we can do it in our own strength.

As you get farther from the boat, and as the storms begin, then you must trust more and deeper.  Running back to the boat is putting your trust in fear.  Otherwise, there's nowhere else to go except straight to Jesus.  Yet the closer we get to Him the more free we become.  We get further away from the safety of our boat (which will eventually fail) and closer to the safety of His presence which NEVER fails.  The more we see and trust that the safety of His presence never fails, we give more and more of ourself to Him in full surrender.  It is then we become fully alive.

Plant Life

Change is not easy.  Leaving the familiar for the unknown is scary, and turns out kind of painful -- even when it's good change.  It seems similar to when a plant is uprooted in order to be transplanted.  A plant grows in a pot, establishes it's roots, gains some strength, weathers a few storms, and with the right amount of care, will reach it's capacity within the pot.  There comes a point when the roots reach the bottom and can no longer grow - even if it keeps receiving food, water, and sunshine.  If the plant is to grow bigger and bear more fruit, then it must be transplanted to a new place, whether a bigger pot or the ground, so it's roots can go deeper, spread further, and get even stronger.

The plant knows that the actual source of nourishment does not come from the pot or soil itself.  Food, water, and sunshine are all outside sources that the gardener has to ensure makes it to the plant and soil.  The pot determines the capacity, with it's purpose to keep it all together, hold it all in securely, and not let anything out.  With the plant growing too big, however, the security of the pot now becomes a limitation.  The soil is the substance that supports the plant and holds the nutrients within the pot, and wants nothing more than for the plant to grow and grow.  But with the plant reaching it's full potential in the pot, the soil knows it can now only maintain the plant without aiding in growth.

But the transplanting process, although good, shocks the plant because it's being taken out of the soil it's been so familiar with, and well, became comfortable in.  And not to say that the storms it weathered were easy... not by any means.  But the plant became familiar with how to endure the storms within it's familiar soil... the soil that has held the nourishment for health.

The plant knows it must be uprooted for a new place... but... but... transition...

When the plant is uprooted all of it goes away for a bit... the security of the pot, the warmth of the soil.  What will happen now?  Where will I be replanted? A bigger pot?  The ground? How big is the capacity of where I will go?  Where is the soil that will support me?  Hold me up?  Hold the nutrients that I need for growth?  What will the soil be like?  Will it be hard for my roots to make their home in it?  What if a storm comes before I am replanted?  How long until I am replanted?    

How will I grow in the meantime - with my roots exposed?

Wait.  I didn't uproot myself.  I'm not transplanting myself.  I am not the Gardener... the Master Gardener.  He has a plan, and I am right in the middle of it.  This is His garden.  A Beautiful garden.

My roots are weary in this exposure.  BUT I am in the Gardener's hands.  I will rest.

Feeling Like a Failure?

The last few weeks have been rough.  This morning, I finally processed out some deep thoughts in my time with Jesus.  I've come to believe that what I go through, and what the Lord teaches me, is not just for myself.  So I hope this is an encouragement to you as it was to me.

What is being worked out of me right now?  All that I'm feeling is that I am an utter failure.  I contribute this to having too much on my plate -- family, work, and school.  This leaves no margin, which means I'm not doing any of these things well.  But is that really it?  Did I actually feel competent in these things before, or is something deeper being exposed?  Do I feel like a failure (at least to some degree not good enough) in all three of these areas?  And perhaps putting them all together is just too much for me to handle emotionally?  I can feel myself having somewhat of a wall up -- perhaps pride -- a defensive wall, really.  I hate the way it feels and want to go back to my free self.  Or was I ever free from this?  Has this always been there?  Is this a deeper healing - the "take me where my trust is without borders" type deal?  (maybe I should stop singing that song!)  Even in my pain and suffering last year, I feel like I had more freedom than I do now.  Perhaps it's because all I had to do was just trust.  I didn't actually have to DO anything.  None of my abilities were on display to be judged.  No one could judge my competency.  Everyone praised my ability to trust God through such terrible circumstances.  But that almost seemed easier, especially compared to this. Those were things NOT in my control, so it made it easier to let go.  It is much harder to let go when it IS within my control.  I mean they are MY abilities - the outcomes are a reflection of ME and not solely God.  The pressure of last year was on God.  Now I feel it on me.  I don't want it though.  I need this pressure off of me... and ASAP.  Lord, I don't know how to remove this pressure.  I don't know how to give it to You.  Please show me, or just take it.

Selah.

I need to see myself as God sees me.

I always learn so much from the birds.  They fly around, doing their work, yet also singing such beautiful songs in the morning and the evening.  I'm sure there are days when they don't win the girl bird, build the perfect nest, or catch enough food for their babies.  Yet they still sing in good cheer... in the beginning of their day AND at the end of it.  And God continues to delight in them no matter what.  So how much more so does He delight in me, even when I'm not good enough?  He's supposed to be strong in my weakness, but the catch is that I have to let Him.  So will I?  The enemy would tell me, and I would tell myself, that I'm lowering the bar of excellence.  But I don't think that's the case. I think it's a shift in my focus - away from myself and onto God.  Yes, I want my actions to reflect Him, but more importantly I want my heart to reflect His.  If my heart is reflecting His, then this will affect how I feel, how I see myself, and how I see others.  It will also change how I respond to others - without walls - in true freedom.  SUCCESS.  If I have this then it won't matter when I fail or am incompetent.  It won't change how God sees me! And even if people are disappointed I will be able to handle that without putting a wall up.  Freedom.

Saying Yes to God Dreams

Saying yes to God Dreams for your life.  What does that mean?

If it's the Promised Land, then it's learning to transition from the wilderness... a place where everything was stripped from you and so you chose God, now to a place where you have everything, but willing give it all up and still choose God.

If it's adoption, you're not JUST choosing to save a child in to family.  You are saying yes to becoming the best parent which is a harsh stripping of your old self.  You are saying yes to having your character questioned and judged and your entire reputation solely in the hands of God.  You are saying yes to the freedom of an entire nation of orphans. You are saying yes to fighting against the principalities and forces whose whole existence is to bring brokenness to people.

If it's to teach, preach, speak words of life then you are saying yes to being stripped of the need for man's approval.  You are saying yes to seeking only the Lord's approval.  You are saying yes to go through crazy seasons of life, openly, so that you can learn, in order to teach others.   You are saying to humility knowing that the only wisdom you have to share is not yours, but God's.

If it's to fund the church you are saying yes to being stripped of all greediness and love of money (no matter how small).  You are saying yes to give even when you have nothing. You are saying yes to putting your whole heart into knowing that not a single thing on this earth is yours.  You are saying yes to testing the Lord's faithfulness to provide over and over when it looks impossible.  You are saying yes to the battle against mammon.

If it's to see the next generation come to fullness in Christ you are saying yes to becoming a father or mother to many.  You are saying yes to rejection and yes to still keeping your heart open in spite of it.  You are saying yes to the roller coaster of emotion that comes with walking with others through healing.  You are saying yes to traveling with others through many seasons.  You are saying yes to the battle against a culture that battles for their hearts.

Saying yes to overseas missions means letting go of the life you've ever known.  You are saying yes to a level of loneliness that many will never know.  You are saying yes to a lifestyle, to struggles, to battles that most don't have or understand.  You are saying yes to living without many comforts. You are also saying yes to be fully given to see hope restored to an entire people group.

Saying yes to dreams means that sometimes you will have to walk in obedience when all the passion has faded... to keep saying yes everyday when you don't understand and it doesn't make sense.  It means you must learn to keep your heart soft, open, and vulnerable knowing that our Father in Heaven is shepherding it.  It means you must let go of control.

Saying yes to a dream is saying yes to the act of trusting.

It also means that He will protect you, comfort you, and lead to still waters that provides rest for your soul.  It means you will ALWAYS have a Hope to cling to... a Hope that also clings to you!  It means you will live a wild, unpredictable life that is full of adventure, life, hope, restoration, miracles, joy, peace, tears, laughter, family, and becoming more of who you were actually created to be.

Saying yes brings the kingdom of Heaven to earth now.

Saying yes means you become you.

God is Faithful

The short of this blog is the news that Matt received a phone call yesterday, totally out of the blue, from his doctor office saying that his surgery, the one originally scheduled for May that was denied multiple times, has now been approved and is on the calendar for the beginning of December!

You might assume that is why I titled this blog “God is Faithful”… it’s not.

The better part of this entry is talking about WHY God is faithful and how it has nothing to do with this surgery.

He is faithful whether I see it, experience it, or know it.  So it is not because it looks as if Matt will be having surgery that we are saying He is faithful.  He has proved to us over and over again His faithfulness in the midst of our terrible physical circumstances.  We know that all of our prayers (that also means your prayers), our fasting, our being anointed by the elders was not for nothing.  He is ALWAYS moving.  He is ALWAYS doing something.  Most of the time it is in our primary existence of the spiritual world, with it sometimes manifesting in to our physical world.  What has been incredible is that because we have chosen to trust Him through the heartache, pain, and agony, He has given us eyes to see Him in ways that haven’t manifested in our physical world, glimpses of His glory that is currently happening.  There has been such freedom and breakthrough for our own spiritual formation and for MANY of those around us too!

If we get a phone call tomorrow saying, "well, insurance retracted their approval and no surgery can take place", we STILL say God is faithful.  We have been challenged even further to not be swayed by tides of our circumstances in this physical world, but to trust that He is always moving in our lives, He is always drawing us near, He is always furthering His perfect kingdom through us if we let Him.

How do we let Him?  By trusting Him NO MATTER WHAT!  Jesus is our rock!  If we stand on Him then we will not be shaken!

Legs Like Twigs

The last 2-3 weeks have been extremely difficult for many reasons.  Tuesday it seemed to come to a head.  The song on Bethel Music's new album Tides sums it up quite accurately:

The wind and waves surround me
And I'm tossed, feel like I'm drowning
I am tired, I am weak
I need You here with me

'Cause I can feel the rising tide
But I don't have the strength to fight
I feel clouded and confused
I need you here with me

Yesterday I made a clear choice to only let the Lord protect me.  This means not retreating in an effort to protect myself, not taking the easy road and false comfort the enemy would provide, nor numbing myself with my own false comforts as to try and control the chaos by ignoring it or pushing it away.

This morning I spent time with the Lord outside on my deck.  This is what He spoke to me:

You are strong
You are strong because I Am in you
Rise up again in your authority
Rise up again in your authority
Stand on the solid ground

This verse Psalms 40:2 came to mind: "He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire.  He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along."

I then immediately saw a little bird land on my deck railing.  It just stood there looking around trying to decide where to go next.  I noticed it's legs since the last thing spoken to me was to stand on solid ground.  It's legs looked like little twigs.  It made me think that not only can I stand with weak, twig-like legs, but that it's almost preferred...

Here's why.

If the bird's legs were heavy little masses then it would no longer have the ability to fly -- to soar so high in the clouds.  So if I'm willing to stand up on the solid ground knowing that I will feel every bit of vulnerability in my frail legs, that is faith (trust in the Lord).

And if I have faith (trust in the Lord) to stand then I will soar on wings like eagles.

Getting up now.

The Day of "What Now?"

Today:  Matt was denied treatment.  The doctor said he couldn't find anything wrong with him (by only looking at all the tests that have been done this past year).  He can't explain why he has so much back pain, numbness/nerve damage, and other symptoms I won't share.  When the doctor said he couldn't explain Matt's pain, and that there is nothing we can really do, it took everything in me to not break down in tears while he was still in the room.  When we got to the parking lot we both felt kind of numb, disoriented, and confused.  We didn't know what had just happened.  Were we just completely shut down?  Does he even believe that there is something wrong?  WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?  WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?

A couple weeks ago, a friend asked what I thought about our suffering with all these messages about God's heart for healing and not seeing any relief or answers to our prayers for Matt's healing.  I really appreciated this question, and I believe it's a question we all have asked or wondered at some point.  Let me share what I told her, and add a little more.

1. I trust God's character.  I know His heart.  I know that He loves us and wants the best for us.  I know He hates that Matt is suffering this excruciating pain.  I know His love for us is endless, relentless, and never failing.

2.  We've surrendered our lives to Him, to His kingdom, and His glory!  This surrendering means we don't get to choose what our lives are going to look like.  We follow the Holy Spirit's leading through this life, and as we do that we actually become MORE of who we are made to be.  We were not promised a life without suffering.  In fact, we are told to expect it.  The difference is how we choose to endure the pain and suffering.

So we are going to suffer regardless if we trust in Him and surrender our lives to Him or not.  Today when we got in to the car and started for the 4 hour drive home (stuck in traffic) we made a choice.  We chose not to ignore our feelings, but instead chose to embrace the pain.  We cried.  We yelled.  We threw our hands up.  We asked many questions, including the infamous "WHY?".  We cried some more.  Our choice was to do this in the Lord's presence.  We told Him we had no more fight left in us.  We were done.  We chose not to turn our backs or find relief in something else.  We left that place with no hope. But because of the God we serve there is always hope.

He brought us comfort.  No answers, just comfort.  He exposed some demonic lies, and brought a little more freedom to our hearts.  At first Matt felt bad for the waste of a day, but we were quickly reminded that we got to spend the entire day together, shop at our favorite store (REI), eat three meals out (uninterrupted), listen to 4-5 hours of worship music, and pray together.  Comforted.

We still don't know what we are going to do from here.  We still feel directionless.  This battle now seems bleak and impossible.  But because of point number 1, I know the truth of His Word that He has sent many in to IMPOSSIBLE battles that were VICTORIOUS so all would know His power, glory, and goodness.  This brings me back to point number 2.  We've said yes to Him using us to show the world His wonderful character.  If that means going in to impossible battles that can only be won by Him then so be it.  Right now, I believe, He is showing a great deal of people through us how He comforts us through the Holy Spirit; How to allow the Spirit to walk with someone through the pain and through the trials of suffering.  I love teaching people practical tools in walking with God.  So what better way than to teach them by showing them what it actually looks like through my own life? What better way to show how to build trust with God then continuing to walk on roaring unchartered waters without knowing where you are going, but knowing He is trustworthy enough to keep going further in to the unknown?

So.  What now?  We wait for the Lord, we wait expectantly, and in His word we do hope.

Grateful In Every Season

I know each season is special. I've come to see this. I used to always be looking ahead to the next thing that was going to happen or dream about the escape of the situation I was in.

BUT...

There hasn't been one season of my life where God has not shown me some amazing part of Himself, and subsequently, a part of who I am--whether a part to burn away, or a part of my identity to be revealed. My circumstances, no matter how pretty and wonderful or ugly and devastating they are, doesn't determine whether or not I'm in "God's will" because He is with me in every season. It has come to the point where I appreciate every season I'm in and even mourn a little when I transition to a new one. This is because I've tasted a new part of Jesus, a new depth of His glory that has forever changed me! And although I still get to take this new treasure with me in to whatever new season comes my way, I know that the season I'm leaving was unique--even the most difficult and trying seasons are special to me because I learn new parts of God that I might not have ever learned at another time in my life.  This new depth of glory that I experience transforms me and changes my countenance to be more like His.

Of course, this doesn't mean that I'm full of joy through every season, but it's in wrestling with my emotions and running to God's presence in my anguish and despair, or my confusion and fear, or my doubt and disbelief, or my rejoicing and happiness that I experience new parts of Him--more life giving meaning in His name.

Transitions from one season to another are a little more difficult sometimes, and almost feel like another season in and of themselves. As I get comfortable in one season then it seems it's time to move on to another. One truth, though, that seems to help me transition from the known to the unknown, is that no matter where I end up next, His love remains the same--a constant firm foundation that I walk and rely upon. As I leave one season for the next, my very understanding of that truth deepens, like roots further in to the ground.

That depth, His new found glory, my flesh burning away and beauty being revealed, makes every season and every circumstance so worth it and so special that I don't want to waste a moment of it complaining. I choose gratitude.

Faith To Stand

I've given my life to Jesus. This is not a secret. These past few years He has really taken me to a deeper understanding of what this actually entails. I've surrendered my entire life to Him--for His glory. My physical body, my mind, my soul, and my spirit are His.

This means a few things: 1. He loves me exactly the way that I am. 2. He loves me too much to let me stay the same (healing, growing, etc.). 3. He will use all parts of me to bring His kingdom and His glory to other people so that they might experience His goodness.

So when He calls me forth, out of where I currently am, it is scary because it's the unknown. Even though I don't want to stay where I am, it's comfortable because it's familiar; I know how to function (sometimes in my dysfunction), and simply, because it is safe here.

But the more I get to know Him the less of this safe life I want. I've gotten to know certain parts of Him in this safe zone, but it leaves me thirsty for MORE of Him. So thirsty, in fact, that it outweighs my fear of the unknown. The mystery of Jesus draws me further away from the shallow waters to take the risk and enter in to the deep--the deeper waters which also include His presence, His glory, His grace. This risk of deeper waters can only be done with faith--trusting in the characteristics of God that I've already experienced and knowing that I've barely scratched the surface of Who He is.

Processing through this (leaving the safe zone for the unknown) and knowing that I'm still holding on to some of the fears that I have, a new song has entered my music library. I've been listening to a song called "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)" from Hillsong United's new album Zion. It is helping me, in worship, to ask the Lord to lead me out; to walk further away from my will and closer to His.

I've asked for this. I've traded my prerogative for His, knowing that as my Creator, He knows ALL of me--my pain, my sin, my deepest thoughts, my heart, and my potential. I trust that when He leads me to walk on the deepest waters, where my feet will fail to hold me up, my faith is what will stand me up to walk further in to the unknown--which will only carry me deeper in to His presence.

I hear you, Jesus. I'm stepping out.

Sneaky Attack: Apathy

People ask me how my Christmas break was.  My easy answer is, “I got to sleep in a lot.”  That was one of the few positives I could think of.  Now, nothing really major happened in those two weeks (except for not having a water heater or washer machine for 4 days)… so why was it so crappy?  Short answer:  because of my attitude!

Fruit of Death:

Apathetic: Having or showing little or no emotion; not interested or concerned; indifferent or unresponsive.

This pretty much explained my attitude for Christmas break.  I didn’t care about hardly anything.  I wasn’t motivated AT ALL.  The problem with this attitude is it also left me feeling hopeless.  I knew the enemy was attacking me, and I knew that he was stealing my joy and inhibiting me from blessing others, but the problem with apathy is the lack of caring… I didn’t have any strength or desire to try to fight.  So how do you fight the enemy when you don’t even care that he’s attacking you?

Reflection:

I realized, in reflecting on 2012, that it was one of the most emotionally intense years I’ve ever had (and I’ve had A LOT).  God had purposely removed me from intentional community (for a time) in to a deeper, more intimate season with Him.  I was to rely on only Him this year (not Him through His body).  The summary of this season for me was to cut all unhealthy dependencies I still had on people for my identity and get them only from the True source.  The difficulty with this is it also meant that every “safe place” I had in people were stripped down, chewed up, burned in the fire, refined (pick any metaphor)… they all fit.  By the end of the year, I was tired.  On the other hand, I have never felt more intimate and close with the Lord, but I had stopped spending time with Him towards the end, so I was only aware of my tiredness.  This obviously gave Satan’s minions the perfect opportunity to attack me with apathy.   I hate giving credit to the enemy, but I have to say it was quite a clever move.  Apathy is a close sister to depression, in which your mood is down, sad, hopeless, yet apathy goes a step further in adding the lack of desire to even TRY to do anything about it.  It sucks!

My Plan:

I didn’t have one… remember, I didn’t care?! 

God’s Plan:

Thankfully He ALWAYS has a plan.  In going back to work and being back on my routine, I started listening to sermons again while getting ready for work.  A few days back in to this I was listening to a sermon on Proverbs 18:21”Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they who indulge in it shall eat the fruit of it [for death or life]”—Amplified.  Basically, I might spend 5 minutes speaking life (the promises of God) while praying, but then the rest of my day I’m thinking and speaking negative things, which produces fruit of death, which then I speak about how that’s the fruit I’m bearing which then produces more fruit of death and it becomes a vicious cycle.  The Lord brought conviction to me on this, so I decided to try and only speak Truth (even though I didn’t feel one shred of it) to see what would happen.  Well, it only took ONE DAY for me to feel something other than apathy.  The desire that came back to me was not to fight or even to change, but a desire to sit with God again.  I desired so much to be in His presence… something that had left me in my apathy.  I had joy in just having this desire back.  So Wednesday morning I sat with Him.  I didn’t say anything to Him and He didn’t say anything to me.  We just sat together.  An hour later I was at Simpson’s first chapel service of the semester.  In singing worship songs to Him I felt something I had missed:  my Lord’s heart, gratitude for Him, joy, repentance!  We took communion.  Before I could eat my juice soaked bread I cried tears of repentance, sorry that I had given so much time to the enemy’s kingdom and not His, sorry that I hadn’t cared about not building His kingdom, and extremely grateful at the same time that Jesus was NEVER apathetic… not even for a second.  My mind rushed with possibilities of what life would be like had He been apathetic even for five minutes while He walked this earth… and I shuttered at those thoughts… which then brought me back to overwhelming gratitude.

Fruit of Life:

I feel free, full of joy, and full of hope for the future.  I am once again excited to impact this world by bringing the kingdom of God to it.  Even more astounding than this, I came home and cooked dinner!!!  I enjoyed it too!!! (There should be many of you laughing at this right now).

Steps in a Nutshell:

1.     I stopped speaking negative words and speaking the promises of God (even though I didn’t feel them).

2.     The fruit of life started to spring up—with one desire.

3.     I acted on this desire and God’s presence is what changed me even further.

4.     This led to me feeling again—feeling repentance, gratitude and joy! 

5.     Now I’m back to bearing the fruit of life!

Thank you Jesus for knowing just what I need!