Inside my Heart, Soul, and Mind...

Cinderella Story: A different perspective

2010-06-04T06:31:00.000-07:00

The story of Cinderella has been with most of us ladies since we were first introduced to stories and books as little girls. And most of us have been intrigued with it ever since. The idea of being a sub-servant nobody, and treated so horribly only to be saved by a handsome prince, and put into the position of power and control and be redeemed for all the years of suffering; to be finally told that you are worth something, important to someone, and treated as beautiful royalty. What girl doesn't fantasize about that, even just a little?

What if this story doesn't have to be a fantasy, but something that can be very real? The catch is that we have to change our perspective of the story and align it up with what God has for us.

Looking at the Cinderella story, how many of us still feel like we are in the low down, floor scrubbin', meal making, 'come when everyone calls' stage of the story? Never dressed up feeling beautiful, often feeling powerless, and only living to fulfill the dreams of those you're serving? This is where we learn a new lesson. This part of the story is vital! Not just because she is rescued by her knight in shining armor, and not only because she was redeemed in the end, but because of the character training she went through during her time at the bottom; because of the brokenness she experienced and had to survive through...it was this part of her life that made her who she was...the kind of woman that understood human nature, the good, the bad, and the ugly. It was this part of her life that taught her how to manage power correctly and treat people with respect and honor...even when they didn't deserve it. It was this part of her life that made her attractive to a prince. The character she developed and the woman she became brought such life to his world that he looked past all social-economic barriers that he would have faced. Also, her dream to bring justice to a corrupt world was born out of this time of her life. Had she skipped this servant life she would not know the need, the brokenness that others had faced. Once in a place of power, there would have been no empathy shown to the people she was about to lead.

So what if our toilet scrubbing, diaper changing, order taking life was for a purpose...and I mean more than shaping our kids and supporting our husbands (which are very important things)? What if this servant lifestyle we are in is vital to the bigger dream God has for our lives? The greatest leaders in the Bible lived servant lifestyles prior to seeing their God dream fulfilled. Abraham was promised as many descendants as there were stars in the sky...and an amazing land flowing with milk and honey. Yet he didn't have a child until he was 100 years old, and then raised his family in that promised land, before it was even his, living as a foreigner in a tent. But it taught him how to rely on the Lord, which was a vital skill to be the father of a nation! Then there's king David. First living as the youngest boy of seven, being a shepherd out in the fields most of his childhood, to being a servant to king Saul, then to living in caves for fourteen years, being hated and trying to stay alive. He knew he was anointed to be king that whole time, yet the time he spent prior to becoming king was vital. It made him one of the greatest kings of all time. The list goes on, Joseph, Moses, and even Jesus...they all lived the lives of servants before fulfilling their life's purpose. What that life of servanthood looked like was different, but the brokenness achieved was the same. With the exception of Jesus being perfect anyway, the character that these other men developed was a vital key in living out their purpose. None of them would have succeeded without this season.

So going back to Cinderella...

Does this mean if you're single to expect a knight in shining armor? Or that one day you will no longer have to clean toilets? Or that you will have a kingdom to rule someday? NO! What I am saying is that God does have an amazing purpose for you. Cinderella's purpose was to eventually rule a kingdom. Yours is something different. Even if you don't believe me...it's true. And if you think you are not moving toward it right now because your life consists of nothing exciting and just serving everyone else...you're wrong. Being at the bottom, living the life of a servant, is vital to fulfilling the purpose God has for your life. So when your serving yours, you can do it with hope and joy...knowing you are going through an intense training period for future greatness!

Happy Birthday, Olivia

2010-05-26T20:47:00.000-07:00

My precious Olivia,

I can't believe it's already been a year! The fact that it went by fast for me should tell you what an amazing baby you were. Because of who you are, you brought me confidence as a mom. Somehow I always knew that I would be o.k. no matter what. Instead of chaos that a new baby can sometimes bring, you brought peace and love to our home. Even your big sister loved you right from the beginning. She knew that you were meant to be a big part in her life...and you are. God has used you so much already. You bring peace and comfort to all of those that have been blessed to take care of you this first year. God has also used you to grow my love as a mother. You deserve so much more than I am capable of. Therefore, in order for you to have everything you need and deserve, I'm leaning on the Lord to give it to me so I can provide it to you.

I can't speak enough about your peace! It streams out of your smiley eyes and your precious facial expressions. If you were at all fussy when I would lay you down to nap in your crib, you often would turn and look at the waterfall painting that your Nana painted for you and stop crying...it was as if you felt the peace from the Holy Spirit that is represented in that painting. It was amazing to watch! You are exactly as the Lord described you...a peacemaker! And now we all can see that peace in your eyes...especially when you smile! Also with your contentment in the arms of almost anyone. You were so happy to be held. You would just stare into their eyes and peacefully fall asleep.

When you weren't peacefully sleeping in someones arms, you weren't afraid to tell us how you felt. You are so expressive with your voice and your facial expressions that you are very much your own person. You love to dance and shake your hips to any music you hear...even commercials. You light up when there's a party. You are very trusting of people. You love people. Your family and church family fought hard for you before you were even born...and I believe it is to protect this love you have for people. And your middle name, Marie, which was passed down from your Nana, to your mom, and now to you, is also specific from the Lord. You have a special way with people that is already apparent in your young age. I believe this will turn into a prophetic gift, which is something both your Nana and I have. We pray everyday that we do right by you...that we create an environment for you that will allow you to be everything that the Lord has designed you to be...that you will always know how much we love you, how much Jesus loves you, and how much you're wanted!

You are incredible and I am so proud to be your mom!

I love you sweet girl! Happy 1st birthday!

Love,
Mama

P.S. Even though you are God's daughter, I feel incredibly blessed that He chose me to be your mom during this brief period on Earth!

Worship in Brokenness

2010-04-29T23:20:00.000-07:00

What does it mean to worship in your brokenness? Let me first tell you what it doesn't mean. It doesn't mean to ignore, minimize, or pretend your brokenness isn't there. Worshipping in your time of hurt and pain is not another coping mechanism. It doesn't mean to put on the happy, fake christian face that so many people are used to seeing or portraying (depending on which side of the coin you are). It is not the hypocritical, cliche christian answer to dealing with life. It is something so very real and more life changing than any other solution out there.

Worshiping in the midst of your brokenness and pain is to first acknowledge the reality of what is happening; your circumstances, the feelings you're experiencing, and even the thoughts in your head need to be exposed, brought out into the light. You need to be willing to admit, first to yourself, then to the Lord, what is going on. This process of release is part of your worship. How can this be worship you ask? Easily. Our Father wants nothing more than for us to draw close to Him, and how can we get any closer than being the most vulnerable and raw possible. Whatever the reason for our brokenness, whether it is because of our sin, awful circumstances, or a hurt caused by another person, He wants to hear it from our own mouth. He wants us to share from our hearts...to pour out our pain and frustration to him. This is our sacrifice to Him. The reason this sacrifice is so fragrant to Him is because once we have given it, He can then fill the space that these feelings were once occupying with His grace, mercy, love, comfort, strength and Presence. The sense of freedom that this brings can drop us to our knees with thanksgiving. Even though our circumstances might still be the same, we have less pain in our hearts, more of His Presence, more of His strength, and more of His peace.

Last night was when I experienced my freedom. With re injuring my knee a couple of months ago I entered in to my brokenness. I was 2/3 through my p90x program, eating healthy, and transforming my body. I had an outlet for my stress and was feeling really good about myself. Then, I hurt my knee...again, and it was taken from me. My thoughts of excitement quickly turned to hopelessness. I wondered what the point was for eating healthy if I couldn't exercise as well (which is ridiculous by the way). So in my misery, I chose not to worship, but to eat. I gained my pounds back, felt horrible, and very stressed. Everyday was getting worse, feeling worse, clothes getting tight, and losing my mind with stress. I had a continuous pity party, complaining that I was always being robbed of my health despite all of my efforts. And since holding onto these thoughts and feelings were taking up so much of my life, there was very little room for anything else. So last night I was done...done with my pity party. I chose worship. I chose to pour out my pain, my frustration, my heart to my Father. He listened. He comforted. He told me which scriptures to read. It changed me. My knee still hurts, but my heart doesn't. I still can't run, but I can find other ways to exercise. My clothes are still not fitting like I want, but I can still eat healthy. I have hope.

Knowing this process means that we can thank Him and worship Him even before the feelings of gratitude come. His faithfulness never changes. His love for us never changes. His desire to see us free never changes. Worshiping in our brokenness doesn't mean that life becomes perfect, it means that we are first acknowledging and trusting His holiness, and second allowing our character to become more like His.

Worshiping in our brokenness doesn't bring us happiness. It brings us joy. Happiness has to do with our circumstances. Joy is what we feel in spite of our circumstances. I don't want my circumstances to determine what I feel. Therefore, I choose to worship in my brokenness!

Unforgiveness and Fear

2010-04-19T15:06:00.000-07:00

So many of us live in fear. It drives us, leads us, tells us what to do and what to say...it controls our life. Whether it is fear of failure, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of what others' think of us or any other millions of fears that are possible, most often it is rooted in unforgiveness!

We live in a world of sin, pain, and suffering. Therefore we have ALL been hurt by someone. Some of us have been hurt by many. Sometimes it is the same sin or pain done by many to reinforce the logic to have the fear. Unfortunately, holding onto the fear doesn't do us any good and it doesn't bring us any justice! If you've read my last blog entry from my birthday last year, then you will get a good glimpse of how the things done to me so many years ago bred a lot of fear, and it did me NO good! It wasn't until I forgave all of those girls for the specific actions that they did to me that I was able to release my fear of rejection. My fear of what others thought of me was so gripping, my life used to look so different (and obviously, not in a good way!) But since I forgave, I have been set free!!! God's love was able to come in and fill that part of my mind and heart that unforgiveness was once taking...and where there is perfect love there is no fear!

My God is so much bigger than anything I can possibly fear! Our God is so much bigger than anything we can fear!

If you are living in any kind of fear, ask the Lord to show you where it's coming from. Is it from someone in your past that has wounded you deeply that you need to forgive? And when I say to forgive I don't just mean in general...BE SPECIFIC...that is crucial! There is often so many little hurts hiding within the huge obvious pain. To bring justice to your life is to let that person/s, and his/her actions, go and allowing freedom to rule your life! And just and FYI: forgiveness is NOT a feeling...don't wait until you feel like forgiving to actually forgive...it'll never come! You must speak it out, especially when it goes against every fiber of your being, speak the words, "I forgive ________ for _______." And if there are 100 things, then speak all 100. Sometimes the release and the freedom will happen in an instant, sometimes it takes saying it over and over for days on end until you feel the freedom. BUT IT IS SO WORTH IT!!!! Forgive and be free of fear!!!

Birthday Blues

2009-09-25T13:52:00.000-07:00

So for the most part I am content and full of joy. I don't feel like there is a lot of drama in my life or hardcore issues that I'm currently working out. Of course, the Lord is constantly teaching, changing, healing me, ect..., but it hasn't been mind consuming lately...that is until my birthday rolls around.

Now it's not the typical issue you might think. I love getting older...I always feel a little wiser than the year before. And I look forward to the years to come! My issue comes from the actual celebration part of my birthday. And not from family, but celebration with friends. My problem is that I know why I have this issue and it really bothers me that no matter what I do, or how many times I've tired to give it to the Lord, it doesn't go away. And it all comes from one incident that happened when I was in the sixth grade.

That particular year I decided to have a sleep over for my birthday. I invited my group of friends (which, a more accurate assessment is the group of popular girls that I tried so desperately to be friends with) to enjoy a night of swimming, sitting in the spa, eating tons of junk food and all the other fun things girls like to do at slumber parties. And to my joy, everyone came. The problem was that my attempt to be noticed, included and liked ended up being a disaster that set off the beginning of my friendship issues for the next 15 years (which that is way more in depth than I plan to go in this blog...this is just in regards to my birthday).

So as the night went on the 2 most popular girls of the group stole the show. As we were sitting in the spa they were carrying on in the most dramatic form of how they were going to kills themselves...that they were going to drown themselves right there in the spa. Of course, they were being ridiculous and not the least bit truthful, but it was getting them exactly what they wanted, which was everyone elses undivided attention (except for mine). It got to the point where I finally just left and went upstairs into my room. The more crushing part was that they didn't even notice that I was gone...IT WAS MY HOUSE AND MY BIRTHDAY PARTY...how could they not notice that I wasn't even there anymore???!!!

Anyways, as ridiculous as this story might sound to some of you, it was one of my most crushing, heartbreaking nights ever. Because of this I'm too afraid to celebrate my birthday with anyone other than my family (and Michele, my bff). I'm afraid to have a party thinking that no one will show up, or that no one would pay any attention to me, or that they would come out of obligation and not cause they were truly excited to celebrate with me...I'm afraid of being rejected again...my wounded heart can't handle it. It was proven to me then that my birthday wasn't something special enough...which makes me feel not special enough. I know this wound is deep because even with Sarah's attempt to change this for me with our dinner at Chevy's (which, Sarah, I love you and I'm thankful for your heart), it still wasn't enough. Instead of appreciating everyone that came, I felt rejected by the people that didn't. And my heart clutters my mind with thoughts like, "oh, there mostly here for her and not you." I know this is stupid and completely illogical, which is why I hate this and have put off dealing with it year after year. Unfortunately, it seems to just be getting harder and harder to ignore it. I"m tired of crying over this. I need help. I need prayer.

Jesus, please take this hurt from me...

10 years of...

2009-08-13T11:39:00.000-07:00

10 years of living have passed me by...

10 years of gaining weight...
10 years of losing weight...
10 years of 1000 different hairstyles...
10 years of 100 wardrobe changes...
10 years of many houses...
10 years of one home...
10 years with lots of jobs...
10 years with lots of school...
10 years of growing...and growing up...
10 years of playing with my best friend...

10 years filled with many trials...
10 years filled with many triumphs...
10 years filled with a lot of pain...
10 years filled with indescribable joy...
10 years of not knowing what the future holds...
10 years with an undying hope...
10 years of dying to self...
10 years of becoming more like Christ...
10 years of sacrifices...
10 years of learning how to love...

10 years of losing myself...
10 years of becoming more of who Christ made me to be...

10 years of becoming one...

Matt and I don't even remember what our love was like when we first got married. We know we were in love or else we wouldn't have walked down the isle, but we are so far passed that first kind of love that we cannot remember what it feels like. The connection and love that we feel for each other now is greater than I ever could have imagined. I just hope when we celebrate our 20th anniversary that I'll say the same thing about looking back on our love this day.

It's interesting because this is the biggest anniversary we've ever had, yet the first year we can't afford to do anything to celebrate, but it is also the first year that I don't care; I'm just so happy to be with him and my family that I don't need to go out...or be given a gift. My peace and joy are greater than anything I could ever ask for!

Thank you, my love, for leading me and our family. Thank you for losing yourself to Christ only for Him to give back to you. Thank you for your unconditional love for me. Thank you for being my best friend, always!

I love you!

Something To Ponder

2009-06-23T14:58:00.000-07:00

Here are some interesting definitions:

Sin = to miss the mark

Excuse= a reason to miss the mark

I guess it's time to stop making excuses...

Is This What This Means...

2009-06-19T15:03:00.000-07:00

Is this what it means to be a mom of two...

...poop all over me, the baby, and the pillow because her diaper leaked while feeding her... and after giving her quick bath she poops again in the towel I'm using to dry her off...

...all the while the toddler who is protesting her nap works herself us to the point of vomiting all in her crib...

I guess there is a huge load of laundry in my future...

Brief Update - Week 3

2009-06-16T14:33:00.000-07:00

Hormones have subsided...pain is almost completely gone...

This means life is MUCH better! Things are falling into place.
Still sleepy, but it is manageable.
I feel God's presence again. God used worship sunday night to bring me back to Him...I cried out of joy...not pain!
I'm hearing stories of miracles instead of tragedies (which there were even more tragedies that I didn't even share in my last blog).
I'm feeling loved and encouraged even though I barely leave my house.

I think I'm going to be ok...! :)

A Little Bit of Honesty

2009-06-07T10:30:00.000-07:00

So I wish I could say that I have felt this blissful since I've been home from the hospital...but that's not reality. My intention for this blog is not to complain or ask for sympathy, but to just be honest with my experiences with this first week home. I've never claimed to be a supermom, especially when it comes to babies...perhaps this can bring some comfort to those who feel the same by knowing that you're not alone!

Physical:

I'm not really experiencing anything that I didn't expect...I guess I was just hoping not to experience some of them this time around. One of the crazy things is how I can be on such an emotional high while in the hospital, especially when my body is physically at it's worse because of the surgery. But despite my physical condition my attitude is so positive. I am calm, excited, hopeful, delighted, and so in love with my family. My last day at the hospital this time around was hard. Although my surgery went extremely well, I had an unfortunate side effect which apparently only happens to 1 in 100 women...guess I'm lucky... It had something to do with my spinal block, which I can explain in further detail if you want, but it left me with an excruciating headache. This made my going home experience a bit rough. The only thing that made my headache better was laying flat, which makes being a mom hard. I have to say that God did heal me and I've been headache free since Saturday! Unfortunately, the rest of my pain was still around. The first couple of days weren't too bad, but it's the nights that were the hardest physically. Having to sit up from the lying down position 10 times in a row with my lower abdomen recently opened and shut is very painful, difficult and very frustrating. It's one thing when you just want your newborn baby to sleep for a few hours because you're feeling sleep deprived, but it's a whole other thing when you just want to lay flat for a few hours to rest your recently operated on body.

Breastfeeding is another issue. Again, something else that was going extremely well while in the hospital. But after a couple of days at home the pain began...a pain that brought me to tears. I was just hoping to have one part of my body not be in pain. So, of course, this led to a major breakdown. Another decision I would have to make...do I formula feed now, try to work through the blistering pain or what??? So she formula fed for a day until Olivia's first doctors appt. in which he prescribed an anti-fungal for the two of us. So once I got past the guilt of no longer breastfeeding (which was very unexpected to be feeling guilt considering Alyssum was formula fed from 3 months on), I decided to give the prescription a try and give this breastfeeding another go. So far it's been successful...still tender, but successful.

There's a whole other body issue that I won't discuss...let's just say that being on what seems like 50 different medications is very binding...which is also very painful.

Emotions:

I suppose another word for this would be hormones! The ups and downs have been drastic. This seems to be an appropriate time to apologize to all of you that have called and texted me and I have been predictably withdrawn. This is typical behavior when I'm in emotional survivor mode. So please know that your attempts to get a hold of me have been sooooooooo appreciated...just knowing that you're thinking of me has gotten me through some of these tough hours. Anyways, some of these ups and downs are the typical ones that I experienced last time I brought home a newborn. The best ups being looking at how beautiful she is and seeing Alyssum give her love and kisses. The downs consisting of wondering why she's seems like she's in such pain...especially in the middle of the night and she won't go to sleep. An unexpected down was an extreme attack of guilt because I don't have the strength to take Alyssum out to play or give her a lot of time like I used to. She seems to get so bored which equates to my guilt. Also worrying how I was going to take care of 2 kids especially if I don't get any sleep at night. Just writing this down doesn't explain the level of intensity of my actual feelings...again because of the hormones, these normal worries are magnified by like a thousand. Thank goodness that hormones also go as quickly as they come, so now these concerns are on a more realistic scale and not blown out of proportion. Of course, this is also an answer to my breakdown prayer to the Lord.

Other Stuff:

As if my emotions weren't intense enough, there were some outside circumstances that added to them. The first morning we were home, we wake up to the news that Matt's grandpa died in the night. Although he was old and not in the best of health it still came as quite as a surprise. Matt's memories and relationship with him weren't the best so it wasn't as hard as it might have been, but listening the rest of his family process the news was difficult for him. The only fortunate thing about this is Matt's parents are now coming and staying a week with us. I must say this is a huge blessing to me as I'm still very unsure on my ability to care for a toddler and a newborn. Plus, they will be able to meet Olivia and see Alyssum again!

The other horrible bit of news came at the beginning of the week when we found out that a couple we know, who were pregnant and due any day, did have their baby, but was tragically born stillborn. I cried so much...not only because we know them, but also just having gone through the process of having a child and hearing her cry when she came into the world and knowing that she didn't hear that wonderful sound. I'm tearing up just thinking about it again.

Wow! What a week! I'm glad it's over...I'm glad my body is healing...I'm thankful for Alyssum's love for her sister...I'm extremely grateful that I got four hours of sleep last night...I feel so blessed to have two beautiful little girls...I'm forever in debt to both of our parents and their wonderful love, generosity and care!

Even though motherhood to babies is one of my greatest weaknesses, God truly was and is my strength!

Hospital Pics

2009-05-30T15:18:00.000-07:00

Ok, everyone! Here are a few pictures to hold you over until we get better ones and/or you meet her in person...enjoy! :)

The Day Has Come

2009-05-25T23:10:00.000-07:00

That's right! I did it. I made it through another pregnancy...and again, I did it only by God's grace.

It's the night before... kind of strange knowing exactly when the moment is going to come...being able to anticipate the meeting of my daughter for the first time down to the very hour. It's good because I can plan everything...cleaning, packing, organizing, childcare, out-of-town family/friend visitors. It's bad because I don't get very good sleep the night before...kind of like the night before your first day of school...you have your new outfit picked out, your new binders and backpacks ready to go, you even plan which friends you'll sit with at lunch so you know for sure you won't be alone. But even with all of that, you still don't know how the day is going to unfold emotionally, if there will be any unforeseen circumstances that take place, or just simply if everything will play out exactly how you pictured it would. But that's OK. This is the part where I nuzzle into the arms of my loving heavenly Father and trust Him for everything...even sleep! Everyone else in the house is asleep...including the animals...so I can do it too!

Actually...who cares if I don't sleep...I get to meet my baby girl tomorrow! See you tomorrow, Olivia :)

Fill Me

2009-04-26T22:28:00.000-07:00

So this morning at church, God totally filled me in a way that I didn't know I needed. Towards the end of the amazing last message on Heaven, we were asked to put our hands out in front of us, in a receiving position, if we wanted to be filled with the Spirit. I'm always up for that so I put my hands out, as did Matt. With our hands being close together he just reaches over and puts his hand under mine, as if he were holding it up. Just as he did that the Lord spoke to me and told me that my husband was totally supporting me too. My tears burst forth.

Now just to clarify, during the majority of our marriage, it was very clear that Matt was to be my support mentally and emotionally until I finished school; that our sacrifices as a family would be to support this goal. So now, during this last year, God has called me to be Matt's armor bearer as he's working, going to school, and dreaming business dreams. But apparently, in my mind, I took this as not only being his support, but also solely sustaining myself; so I was supporting both of us...by myself...or so I thought. The interesting thing is that I didn't even know that I took on this extra burden until the Lord took it away today by telling me and showing me that Matt was supporting me too, especially in my newest role of motherhood (which if you read my previous blog would understand that implication). So my new thought is that just because I'm Matt's armor bearer right now doesn't mean that he is not supporting me at all...he is big time. He's still my husband and best friend and will always be my hugest support mentally and emotionally. It's just that now I should focus on being his in these specific areas and that we are making more sacrifices on his behalf right now and not mine. That sounds way more balanced.

So when we got in the car to go home, I began to tell Matt of how the Lord did something amazing for me when he put his hand underneath mine. But before I was able to tell him what exactly the Lord had done, he tells me that the Lord told him to put his hand underneath mine, to flex his arm, and not let me hold my own weight of my arm! I started laughing with joy. I just figured that he was holding my hand during that time, but no! God was telling him to support my hand up! We were both laughing with joy! God is so amazing!

Thank you Lord for shining your light on the thoughts I didn't even know I had and for taking them away and replacing them with your truth...thank you Lord for filling me today!

A seed. A spark. A flame

2009-04-17T13:47:00.000-07:00

So I begin this blog with a little brief history. As many of you know I didn't grow up as the girl dreaming of having babies and being a mom. I knew I would have kids some day, but it wasn't the first thing on my list...or the second...or the third! I baby sat once and it was a disaster. Caring for babies and young children intimidated me. I was never around any so it was totally an unknown subject for me.

Unfortunately, this fear grew and turned to criticism as an adult. I so quickly judged parents for every perceived negative action. Unruly kids in restaurants or grocery stores and the parent's disciplinary actions or lack thereof are just some of the things I would judge in my heart...and being the psychology nut that I am, I totally justified my thoughts because I was just "analyzing" them and supposedly coming up with better solutions, which in reality, I had no clue.

So years of judgement finally brings me to the year before I became pregnant with Alyssum. During worship at the Stirring one night, the Lord told me to put out my hands because He wanted to give me something. So with my eyes closed and my hands out in front of me, I see His hand reach down and set something very small into my hands. I asked Him what it was and He told me that it was a seed. In my curiosity I asked what the seed was for. He said it was a seed of love. Of course, I'm thinking do I not have love? But He said it was a seed of love for a child...

My response: Ok....

So a couple of months later, Matt and I were enjoying a nice evening in my parent's hot tub. For some reason long car rides and hot tubs are the best places to get into great, deep conversations. So, as usual, we get into a great conversation which somehow leads to the Lord convicting me of my critical heart. By this point I'm crying in repentance because this is something that ran deep in me. While in this posture of repentance, the Lord shows me that this judgement is really coming from a place of fear which He was now removing from my heart. After He did this He reminded me of the seed He gave me a couple of months prior and places the seed in the now void spot of my heart. His perfect love (for children) casted out all of my fear (of having children and being a good mom). It was the beginning because 3 months later I became pregnant with Alyssum.

In the middle of my pregnancy, I was at life group one night and the Lord put it on others' hearts to pray for me. During this prayer time the Lord took me on a little journey showing me how He had healed my heart, layer by layer, over the past 4-5 years and how now there was one little corner of my heart that was still completely walled off. I could see the wall in my mind, but I had no idea what was on the other side of it; what had I been protecting or closing off all these years? Well, when He broke through the wall there was the word "motherhood" on the other side. Apparently, I did have it in me all along, I just barricaded it off a long time ago (probably after that disastrous babysitting experience). And now that it was no longer walled off, He was going to start growing it and strengthening it in me...with His seed of love.

So fast forward to just a couple of months ago, I started seeing evidence of just how much God had already grown this part of my heart. I started experiencing feelings I hadn't before...for example, with this second pregnancy and knowing what to expect with having a baby (all the hard stuff), all I could think about was how I couldn't wait to hold her and love her. This might sound strange to some of you moms out there thinking that this is a totally normal feeling, but it wasn't for me. All I knew was fear. Yet, because of what God had already done thus far, my heart is so much more open to loving my kids now than it was even just a year ago. Of course, this is just a testimony for Alyssum and how God has used her so powerfully in my life at such a young age. But after realizing how much God had grown my love already, I felt like such a better parent...my patience level went up and my attitude drastically improved. In other words, my flesh decreased, and the Spirit increased in my parenting skills.

So now to just 3 weeks ago. I woke up, went to church, and was in the worse mood ever (I blame the pregnancy hormones). During worship I just stood there not wanting to do anything but be mad for absolutely no reason. So God told me to just close my eyes...so I did. (If you haven't noticed by now, I love the use of imagery, so God speaks to me very much in this way). With my eyes closed, I picture the opening of a cave and hear the Lord tell me to go inside. So once I'm inside I see a campfire burning and He tells me to just go and sit by the fire and rest. After sitting by the fire and gazing into it's flames for awhile, I look down and notice that I'm no longer pregnant, but Olivia was in a little cradle nearby. He told me that she was completely taken care of and for me not to worry, but just to relax, alone, by the fire. By the last song of the worship set, with my eyes still closed, I look up and see the Lord's presence on the other side of the fire...not in human form, but a large bright glowing presence. By this point, God had unhardened my heart just enough to sing the song and lift my hands up to Him, only in my minds eye though, by the fire. Then worship was over. I opened my eyes and sat down feeling drastically different than I did when worship began. How amazing that God brought me so much peace and rest and even a little break from being pregnant. He knew exactly what I needed to change my heart and attitude. As the rest of the day went on, my attitude got better and better without me even trying. Also, with my stressful week that lay ahead, He took me back to that cave by the fire every night as I fell asleep.

So 2 Sundays ago during the 5pm Stirring service we sang a song by Delirious and David Crowder called Obsession. The chorus repeats the words "my heart burns for you". So the first time we got to the chorus I closed my eyes to sing it to the Lord. I was only able to get through saying the line one time when God immediately brought me back to the cave, the fire, and His presence standing there with me. He cuts me off and starts singing these words to me...that's right...He's singing it to me! My heart was overwhelmed with His love. Not only was He singing to me, but I realized that this fire I had been sitting by, relaxing by was His heart burning for me. That's why it brought me such rest because I was staring into His heart, His love burning for me. My tears were uncontrollable at this point. I felt so undeserving, especially because it was my bad attitude that led Him to bring me here in the first place and all He's doing is overwhelming me with His love! After fully understanding His love for me in this moment, He then has me look over to the side, by where Olivia was (still in the little cradle), and while giving me a spark from His fire, He told me to have a fire like this for my kids...so that they would be able to look and see my heart burning for them. Right after that I could see the spark turn to flames. I now had a small fire burning, my heart burning, for my kids. My tears kept flowing. I had been praying for months for Him to show me how to be a better parent, to show me how to love my kids, to not let my flesh take control. He showed me by giving me a true understanding of His love for me! The amazing thing is that it still isn't my human love pouring into my kids, it is His love flowing through me to them! So wonderful!

I can't explain the freedom I feel. The love is just pouring out of me onto my daughter and my unborn daughter. A huge lesson from the women's retreat was that we cannot love others unless we are receiving God's love first. I can seriously feel this truth flowing right through me. So many years were spent living in fear. Not only is the fear gone, but His love and freedom are surpassing it beyond anything I could have ever imagined! I just can't wait for the fire to keep growing!

A Women's Movement

2009-03-02T23:50:00.000-08:00

I just have to start off by saying how completely amazing God's faithfulness is!

So a few years ago the Lord started igniting passion and vision in me for women, and more specifically the women at the Stirring. My heart was alive with love for them and my mind was dreaming dreams for them. The Lord had so clearly spoken vision to me regarding His heart for us and purpose for us as a community of His daughters.

Well, as I was just beginning to walk it out, the Lord stripped it all away from me. He didn't do it because I was bad or did something wrong, He just had to take me through a wilderness in which He could heal me, teach me, and make me more like Him. I had always wondered why He would give me all these desires for the future just to take them away so quickly, but now I know He is preparing me and molding me into the kind of servant that can actually do the great things He has shown me! But even better than that, He is still carrying out the vision for the Stirring women regardless if I'm apart of it or not! So again, I reiterate, God is faithful!

He showed this to me one day recently while praying for our upcoming women's retreat. After revealing His bigger plan for this retreat to me, I found a faded bookmark in an old purse that I decided to start using again that had on it the words that described the vision for the Women's Movement from a few years ago; the very words God had shown me and stirred my heart with before my trek in the wilderness. As I read the words and remembered the heart He had once given me it started to blend with what He was currently doing with our retreat. I got so excited because I realized that although I hadn't really been involved in any women's ministry prior to this retreat that God was still working on His plan; that these dreams (really His dreams) didn't die with me, but dreams He was still unfolding regardless of whether I was the conduit or not! I love it! Although it is very humbling, it does take all the pressure off. Plus, I can look back and realize that through all my ups and downs with this He was still in control of my heart the entire time...that it wasn't me going crazy or something...strong passions one minute and then complete desolation the next.

Anyways, with all that said, here are the words from long ago that are still alive and making there way back into my heart's desire for us women at the Stirring:

Rest: It all must start with us entering God's rest. It is from that place only that we can move
forward.

Heal: While in God's rest He wants to bring healing to us...to our hurts, our wounds, our pasts.

Unveil: Once we begin the healing process He will begin to unveil our beauty...our image of God
that us as women bear.

Reveal: As we are becoming more secure in our identity in Christ He will start to show us how
we are each individually wired and gifted...our specific purpose He has created us for.

Inspire: By living out this process, especially if we are transparent through it, other
women/sisters will be drawn to this freedom they see us experiencing and will
therefore draw closer to their Father in heaven.

Meaningful: Although all things are possible with God, He usually doesn't take women through
this process alone. Therefore, our relationships with other women will become
deeper, closer and more meaningful because of this shared vulnerability.

Captivate: Women either bring life or death to the world. If we are willing to be taken
through this process we will bring life. The world will see our amazing Lord Jesus
alive in us. This is our evangelism.

So those are the words, the dream I believe God has for our community. It is what I see Him doing already, through life groups, other small groups, and one on one mentorship...and I see it only getting better!

What are your thoughts?

3 Months!

2009-02-26T14:01:00.000-08:00

In exactly 3 months we will be welcoming our new little girl into this world. That's right, Tuesday, May 26 will be her birthday. I know it sounds a little weird that I'm announcing the day of her birth, but that is the only (and I mean ONLY) good thing about having a c-section is that I can schedule and plan ahead of time. It is the day after Memorial Day so hopefully everyone will be back from any possible vacation and ready to help a mama out...I hate surgery...ALOT! I mean the actual surgery and birth is wonderful and completely pain free, but it's the whole 6 weeks of recovery that stinks...especially with a newborn, a toddler, an 8o lb puppy, and stairs. I know I'll survive, especially with the help of my wonderful friends and family (yes, that probably means you ;)!

On a happier note, the Lord has given us a name for her. It is Olivia. It comes from the word olive which symbolizes peace and victory; He told us that she is going to be our peacemaker. Yay, another peacemaker in the family, especially with the passionate Matt and Matt Jr., I mean Alyssum, in the house! I love it, seeing how God is creating our family. Anyways, her middle name will be Marie, which is also my middle name. God has also revealed things about her to my mom like He did before Alyssum's arrival. God is so faithful and amazing!

Olivia Marie in 3 months...

Oh crap! I only have 3 months left...gotta go!

Chaos

2009-01-03T17:26:00.000-08:00

What is chaos?

2 - brothers...
2 - Sara/h Brams...
1 - 3 1/2 year old girl...
2 - 1 year olds...
2 - german shepard dogs...
1 - ornery cat...
1 - baby girl on the way...
...all in a 1340 sq. ft. house...

Pure chaos!

Ok...what?

2009-01-01T23:29:00.000-08:00

Ok...what? It's a girl?!?!

As many of you know the Lord had clearly shown us that we would be having a boy and his name was to be Samuel. He told us all about who he was and I felt like I totally knew him. Unfortunately, I made the assumption that it was going to be this baby. And it was very clear that this wasn't him. I know God has a plan and that we're in it, so what the heck was going on?

Well, my trusting didn't begin right away. I was in tears the whole way home. It's not because it was a girl, I could care less what the gender was, I was just crying out of complete and utter confusion because this wasn't Samuel. Did I not hear from the Lord? Do I not know His voice? It was so loud and clear on more than one occasion...am I just crazy? And then of course, what is everyone going to think of me? My stupid people pleasing monster rearing it's ugly head again. And then all of a sudden I had no idea who this person was inside of me. I know Samuel so well, but the person already here is completely foreign to me. Who is she? I just want to know who she is? What if God doesn't give us a name for her, while our other kids have names from Him?...Confusion...doubt...more confusion...

Two things Matt said amongst my chaos was, what if we're supposed to ask the Lord for her name and what if God's trying to show us that we're not just going to have 2 kids? Those were pretty much the only things that stuck in my head during our ride home. So later that night I was laying in bed asking God about the whole thing. He showed me that we need to pursue her; that she will have one of those personalities that if we don't ask her how she feels she won't say anything; that if we don't purposefully include her or give her attention that she could easily fall between the cracks. Pretty much the opposite of Alyssum who is bold, strong, loud and very out in front (usually dancing). So I think He is getting us in the mindset of pursuing her now so that this is who she will always be to us. And I kind of have this feeling that we won't be given her name until the end...yikes! I'm glad Matt has the gift of faith!

Now that I've released this to the Lord and am in this frame of mind, I'm starting to get excited to find out who she is...my little girl...my gentle one! I was telling Matt this morning that I'm wondering if she is going to be my little helper when Samuel comes, like a little mommy. Cause going from 2 to 3 kids is going to be DIFF-I-CULT!!! And it will be nice to have someone who will want to help cause I know that doesn't come natural for Alyssum...gentle is SOOOO not in her vocabulary no matter how much we tell her (which is like fifty times a day). But it's kind of interesting cause I've had this feeling in the back of my mind for quite a while that we were going to have 3 kids but not wanting to really admit to it...we shall see! If it is the Lord's plan for us to have 3 kids then I am so grateful that He is preparing me this far in advance for it...He knows I need it!!!

Of course, this is still very fresh. Matt and I are in the process of seeking the Lord in this and are anticipating what He tells us. And now all of you are included in this process.

What an exciting year that lays ahead...

The Story Of My Daughter

2008-12-19T23:45:00.000-08:00

Growing up not being the child that dreamed of having babies and being a mommy, God had a lot of preparing to do to get me ready to enter into this sacred thing called motherhood. And how blessed I am by His faithfulness to do so. It all started with a dream:

After my grandma (my mom's mom) went home to be with the Lord in March 2006, my mom was at her home going through some of her things when she decided to take a nap in her room. That afternoon she had a dream that she was in a hospital lobby. She could see me in the distance being wheeled out holding a newborn baby. The message of her dream was the generation continues.

A few months later she had another dream that she was holding a baby that had a really round face.

November 2006...Vox Dei retreat (voice of God retreat)...Perry's cabin: During one of our morning worship sessions I noticed Matt across the room in tears. He didn't look sad, but he was covered in tears nonetheless. Later on he asks me if I wanted to know what he was crying about. Of course I did! He said that the Lord told him our daughters name (which, by the way, I wasn't pregnant)! He said her name is Alyssum. Of course, I had no idea what the name meant or where he had even heard of it before. He explained to me that it was a beautiful flower, typically used as ground cover in gardens because it grows in bunches. I knew exactly which flower he was talking about because my grandparents (from above) always had Alyssum growing in their garden and it smelled wonderful. He continued by explaining to me that this was her name because just as the Alyssum flower is very small and often not noticed its fragrance is so wonderfully strong that you can't help but take notice.

After we shared this with my parents my mom had yet another dream, except this one was more about her name. She saw a picture of a big bushful of Alyssum flowers in the ground. She could see its roots reaching down into the earth. However, these roots weren't just going straight down, they were reaching across and springing up new Alyssum flowers all across the meadow. Meaning: Alyssum's roots were reaching down into God's soil and therefore it was springing up new life. Amazing! If you've never been over to our house my mom painted a huge mural on her wall with this picture.

Late December 2006. During a time of prayer the Lord told my mom that something significant would be happening in my life in 10 months.

Beginning of January 2007. Last dream. This one actually woke my mom up and caused her to look around... She dreamt the voice of a little girl full of spunk and life saying to her, "Hey grandma, I'm on my way!"

A couple of weeks later my parents came up to visit us and it was at that time we shared with them the good news! I was pregnant!

So her name is Alyssum Angela. Angela was my grandmother's name...the grandma whom she apparently crossed paths with on her way down to us! She was born 10 months later from the December prophesy at a whopping 5lbs 12oz. She was and still is very petite. Her personality is also as strong as the fragrance of the Alyssum flower. God knew her before the foundations of the earth and I feel so blessed that He introduced her to me before she even came into this world!

Although her strength can be very challenging at this point I can't wait to see how God uses this to further His Kingdom!

A Wonderful Night

2008-12-17T16:57:00.000-08:00

Last night was my wonderful night. Not only was it 8 blissful hours of not having to utter the words "no bite"; "no, that's not yours"; "get out of the water bowl"; "that's not your toy that's Alyssum's"; "that's not your toy that's Sugar's"; and many others, but it was 8 hours alone with my husband...2 1/2 hours away from our normal life...and 2 1/2 hours of amazing culture and entertainment. On one hand, it stinks that we have to drive that far to experience good culture, but on the other it's kind of nice to get away for just a little longer because of it.

Back in July, I found an amazing deal for floor seat tickets to see Sarah Brightman in concert. For those of you that don't know who she is (which I'm finding out is quite a bit of Redding-ites), she was the original Christine in the amazing Phantom of the Opera. More than that, however, Andrew Lloyd Weber actually wrote/composed the part for her voice specifically. So her voice is phenomenal...especially live! Because of her theatrical background, her concert isn't just her singing, she puts on a very theatrical show which makes it very entertaining, even if you've never heard one of her songs before. Her costumes, backup dancers, and special effects makes her show one of the best I've ever seen. It was a very "Lord of the Rings" style show, which of course is wonderful to us. Plus, just to hear her powerful voice belting out sounds I didn't know were humanly possible made this a jaw dropping experience. Oh, and what other kind of concert can you sip on a glass of red wine while you watch? Amazing! And because of the great seats, I could see the sparkle on her false eye lashes. I was also glad for these seats because she had so many cool special effect stuff that there was no room for the usual big screens that they usually put up on each side of the stage. Oh, and to top it off, she sang a David Crowder Band song! I didn't even recognize it...Matt gets props for that one.

So after the show, we went and grabbed some coffee at our favorite coffee shop in Sac and headed home. It was fun to talk, laugh and dream about the future again with my very romantic husband. It was really nice to create a little margin for that. The cherry on top of our cake was to come home and hear that Alyssum had a great night too! This was the first time we have been away from her for this long (our options are slim) and thanks to Emily and Sarah, we now know that she can do ok without us for an extended period of time. That's HUGE for me...whether I actually use it or not, just knowing that the possibility of more freedom is there frees me up in my mind.

So, something you might have learned about the Brams: we love to dress up and do rich people things...like the symphony, fancy dinners (like the Equinox in San Francisco), amazing concerts, theatre, ect...

Bram Pics

2008-12-03T22:45:00.000-08:00

Well, it's done! We have beautiful Emily Faulknor Photography family pictures. She makes us all look amazing...thank goodness! I tried to narrow it down to the favorites and still ended up with 30 pictures...so it's up to you if you want to scroll through them all. Have fun :)

She is so beautiful!!!

In this next one Alyssum is doing the famous Magnum pose!This next one made me cry!After being together for 10 years we're still in love...sigh!

The scrunched nose will now live forever!

Keep It Going

2008-11-23T22:52:00.000-08:00

Six different elephants in the church we've talked about. All of them very important. I think the two that carry the most shame and embarrassment, especially for women, is the "Sexy Elephant" and the "Porn Addicted Elephant". If you have no idea what I'm talking about go to thestirring.org and listen to the podcasts.

These messages at church have finally opened the door for us women to talk about this area...to bring everything into the light...whether hurts or sin...God wants it all...He wants freedom for us all. I've already been apart of many conversations with single and married women and we must keep going. Just because it's not being talked about in the front of the church anymore doesn't mean we stop talking about it. All of us have been affected by sex. So instead of just keeping it to ourselves because of shame or guilt, lets talk about it and live in freedom. God wants and has always intended for this area to be a blessing in our lives, not a source of pain.

So let's talk about it! Talk to me...talk with a friend...talk with someone you trust...just talk and allow the Lord's light to fill this dark place!

Happy Birthday, Alyssum

2008-10-23T09:50:00.000-07:00

My dearest Sweet Alyssum,

Well, we did it! We survived this first year together. Not only did we just survive, but we embraced this life together. I have to say that it was one of the hardest years of my life, but it was also by far the most rewarding. You have introduced me into motherhood and all of the joys and struggles that come with it. God has used you so much already to impact my life and help me grow. My biggest lesson so far came to me on the nights that you were so sick you couldn't sleep. The Lord taught me that as you relyed on me during that time I needed to rely on Him for strength, courage and hope. Not an easy lesson to learn, but I did!

You've also impacted me with your joy! I never thought that I could have so much joy with someone's smile and the sound of another's laughter, but you have given me that pleasure. Also watching your passion and zest for life has shown me how to see life in a new way. You are so full of energy that before you could crawl you would sit there and twirl your hands and feet at the same time. Now those twirls have moved into the rest of your body. Every time you here music or the word dance, you dance. You shake your hips and move your head side to side. It's amazing to see your own style already. You scream with excitement when we play and I can't wait to hear those shouts of joy as you get older.

You are also so full of strength. Even though you were so tiny at birth, somehow we knew that you weren't as fragile as you appeared. With all of the prophesy that God gave us about you before I was even pregnant, we felt like we already knew you. God knew you before the foundations of the Earth and He felt it appropriate to give us a glimpse into who you were before we had even met you. You are very much like another woman who's strength was known by all. It is your great grandmother who's name you've been given for your middle name. Your great grandmother, Angela, was also small and petite, but was also strong and passionate. One her biggest passions was love. She saw the love between your father and me and knew we had something special and told us to never stop loving each other. I am happy to say that your coming into our family has only made our love grow stronger and deeper. I pray that we continue to create an environment for you that will help you grow into the woman that God has created you to be. I pray that He shows us how to build up your strength and confidence in Him. I pray that you always feel our deepest love and respect.

Happy birthday, baby girl!!!

I love you,
Mama

P.S. Even though you are God's daughter, I feel incredibly blessed that He chose me to be your mom during this brief period on Earth!

My Day

2008-09-30T10:00:00.000-07:00

It's my 28th birthday...

I'm sick...

Homeless sign

2008-09-19T22:18:00.001-07:00

Today I read a sign that a homeless woman was holding. Nothing unusual, right? Except this time I was overcome with compassion because she made herself vulnerable...not in the typical way we are used to seeing...but truly vulnerable. This is what her sign said:

Anything helps.
Even a smile.
God Bless.

I smiled!

Life Group Lesson

2008-09-18T10:04:00.000-07:00

Love our life group...it's going to be awesome!

Anywho, we spent some time praying/thanking God with our eyes open which was to represent that He was sitting with us in the room and we were just talking with Him...amazing. While we were doing that I thanked Him for teaching me that Alyssum throwing her food on the floor is just a tiny part of her life...that I needed to get my eyes on the bigger picture (read previous blog). I thanked Him for continuing to teach us how to be parents. Then Aaron brought up that God often sees us throwing our food on the floor...of course it looks a little different...but the acting out is the same. When we do that He is so patient with us...He might discipline us, but His loving correction grows us so much.

Thanks again, Lord, for teaching us how to be parents!

The Bigger Picture

2008-09-09T23:06:00.000-07:00

Today I had a huge lesson that brought me to tears.

While attempting to feed my pre-toddler dinner, I was increasingly becoming very frustrated. She wouldn't eat pieces of food, only pureed food. She would just throw the pieces of food on the floor. All I could think was that I was going to have to spoon feed her the rest of her life. Ahhhhhhhhh!!! I had reached my limit. Thankfully I had an errand to run, so it was time to get out of the house and have some alone time.

On my way home I switched the radio station over to KLOVE. I heard a woman who had called in to share her testimony of how a particular song was ministering to her. She proceeded to say that exactly one year ago her 19 year old son came back to the Lord. God had already told her that he would be her prodigal son and 9/9/07 was the date he came back. He had left his life of drugs and partying to return to the Lord; to become a better person for the Lord. One month after he did this, he passed away. She later found a written statement from him declaring his new commitment to Jesus Christ on that date one month before he passed away. She celebrated for one month and has been mourning for the past 11 months.

My heart broke. Being a mother now I am better able to understand what that kind of relationship entails. He had left her by his own choice, to live in sin. Then he came back totally sold out for Christ. Then the Father took him home so soon. Although God had taken him away so soon, He still gave her a month to celebrate with her son and restore their relationship. God also gave her confirmation of his heart for the Lord. Her son's salvation was in writing!

All I could think about was the bigger picture of my daughter's life. Who she would be...her relationship with me...her father...her Father in heaven...

All of a sudden I didn't care about the little pieces of food that were thrown on the floor...the food that she refused to eat. All I wanted to do was hug her and hold her tight...even if just for a moment... I don't know what the next moment holds...not that I'm living in fear, but I'm just seeing the right perspective; the bigger picture!

Still Listening

2008-09-06T18:08:00.001-07:00

I'm still listening for the Lord's whispers in this dark room I'm in. I think I must clarify that this isn't an attack of the enemy. I hear his attacks and they are quite different. This place that I am in is a place that God has me. So because of that I don't need to be sad or depressed. I admit that I'm not jumping for joy, but I am content. I'm quiet. I'm still. That's all that I can be. Every time I think about the future with regards to ministry, serving, a career, or my passions my mind gets fuzzy or like static on a t.v. It's kind of weird. But since I'm here, no matter what I do, I may as well rest and trust that the Lord's presence is surrounding me. The amazing thing is that because I have to focus so hard on God alone I'm able to hear Him when He tells me to pray for someone and what to pray for. He is still using me in the present moments. Thank you, Lord!

Alone In a Crowd

2008-09-02T12:12:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt that way: alone in a crowd? I have. And it's happening again.

I'm a stuffer...I stuff my emotions. I don't even realize I'm doing it until I start to notice physical symptoms appearing. Apparently, Saturday was a good day to display some physical symptoms. I felt so depressed, hopeless, lifeless. My patience level was way too low, which isn't a good time since my daughter is learning how to throw an Oscar winning performance of the all time favorite temper tantrum. The hard part is that although I see these symptoms it is still so hard to figure out what is really bothering me. There were no obvious thoughts in my head that I could take captive to release me of these feelings. It got so ridiculous that Matt and I started joking about making my life into a movie titled, "What's Wrong With Sarah Bram?" The movie would be so unsatisfying to the audience because the entire movie would be trying to figure out all these possible reasons for my feelings and in the end we still wouldn't know! I suppose we have a weird sense of humor, but we got a good laugh out of it.

So as the next few days went on my display of symptoms went way down..."oh good, I must be feeling better..." or so I thought. I was excited because I had energy for mom's group today. But little did I know that even amongst all my friends I still felt so alone. It had absolutely nothing to do with them...it was another fun day of chit-chatting about life while the kids played. Friends were open with me...I was open with them. So why this feeling. On my way home I pictured myself in a dark room having NO IDEA where I was going or what I was doing...I was just completely lost. Then, one of my favorite songs came on the radio. It's called Whispers In The Dark by Skillet. The chorus goes like this:

No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes
I'll light the night with stars
Hear my whispers in the dark

No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes
You know I'm never far
Hear my whispers in the dark

Awesome! Instead of frantically trying to find my way around in this dark room looking for a light switch or an exit or even just trying to figure out where I am, I will let my heart be still. I will quietly and calmly sit here knowing that the Lord's presence is the only light I need...even if I can't see it with my eyes. I am going to sit here in the dark and listen for His whispers.

A Note Worthy Blog

2008-08-31T09:59:00.000-07:00

An old friend of mine from the church I grew up in started a blog for moms. This blog, spiritual walking, is meant to be a place you can go to for encouragement, devotions, Bible verses, etc. It has already encouraged me right when I needed it. So I just wanted to pass this resource on to all of you whom might be interested.

A Trip Down Memory Lane

2008-08-15T17:32:00.000-07:00

In good ol' Pecaut fashion, in celebration of our anniversary that was yesterday, I thought I'd share our past with you...through pictures. Since most of you didn't know us in those days this should be fun...and embarrassing! Of course, these aren't the best quality pictures considering they were all scanned onto the computer, but you'll get the idea.

Since we met in high school, these next two photos are of us during that time.
Yes, this is Matt with his rocker mollet!!!

If we ever had engagement pictures, I guess the next 2 would be them...

Next is our one wedding photo I'll share.

This picture was just months after we were married at another friend's wedding.

This is the view from our first apartment. It is also where we first saw and met our dear cat, Cookie.

The next 3 pictures are during our first 2 years of marriage...right before Matt's back injury when he was working for Pacific Bell. It is also the beginning of my "fat pictures".Notice how skinny Cookie is!

Don't you just love the hair!

This is us on top of Mt. Diablo

This is a picture of my awesome car. My 2001 Firebird. For not being a car person, I sure loved this car! It was the perfect color and it was a T-top!

This next one I've dubbed our "Mormon Picture" (sorry if this offends any one). Yes, Matt's ear is pierced and I'm really that big! This is obviously before we met Emily Faulknor!!!

The next 5 pictures are some recreational pictures of us. Skiing, swimming, hiking.

During this trip to Yosemite, I had to fork out $300 at the only store for miles around to buy these snow pants (which are really winter rock climbing pants) because mine were about 3 sizes too small...this was one of the first moments that I realized I wasn't the size I used to be.

The next 5 pictures are during our mission trip to Vienna, Austria and Bratislava, Slovakia in 2002. It was the year before we moved to Redding and the year that I lost 60 lbs.

This is Matt preaching the Word of God in the streets.This is me dancing in the streets to bring in the crowds to hear the Word.

We're having some down time on the coolest playground equipment ever.
This was Christmas 2004. Matt was walking death at this point...he is so pale.

The next 2 pictures are of us camping, but it really looks like I met a homeless man and took some pictures with him. Matt was still walking death because of his pain medication and he also took a break from shaving and cutting his hair.

The next 3 pictures are of us on different backpacking trips. They're all after Matt's back surgery.

I thought I'd finish this stroll down memory lane with a picture from my 25th birthday party. The party was at my brother's house which just happen to have the same view as our first apartment in Pittsburg (California). Plus, you've probably already seen all pictures from that point.

I hope you have enjoyed a little of Bram history. This now begins the countdown to our 10th anniversary in which we are going to have a vow renewal ceremony and party to which you are invited!

A Husband Who Loves His Wife

2008-08-15T10:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was our 9th wedding anniversary...YAY!!! Usually I'm the one who gives the surprises and figures them out when they're meant for me. Well, this time, Matt's surprise for me was a success! He's been boasting about it for a couple of weeks now and I seriously didn't have a clue. I didn't even know how to dress for the occasion. I feel so incredibly blessed by him that I have to share what he did. I wanted to take pictures, but I figured that your imaginations (especially you ladies) will be more than sufficient to picture it.

All I knew was that I was to find a babysitter from 6-8:45pm. Thanks to Becky and Marty (and little Marty) our night was set. He told me to go drop her off and then come home and it would be at that point that he would tell me what was going on. So when I got home, before I walked through the door, I saw a note saying to remove everything from my feet. So I took off my shoes and walked through the door. I was instantly met with the wonderful fragrance of roses. On the floor was a path of rose pedals. I followed the pedals up the stairs, through our bedroom, into our bathroom. It didn't seem like I was in my own bathroom; I felt like I had just entered an expensive spa retreat! Tea candles lit, bath towels rolled on the counter, beautiful music playing, and a bubble bath just calling my name! There was a jacuzzi pillow in the tub that I had never seen before just waiting to be used. There was even a glass of ice water. No detail was left undone! So Matt finally came in to greet me and instruct me as to what was happening. He wanted to bless me with the most relaxing evening. He didn't make our anniversary about us, but about me; He wanted to serve me. So after about 45 mins of my relaxing spa (I know it's just a bathtub, but it felt like a spa to me), it was time for phase two.

After I got out, I went into our bedroom to see a massage table (courtesy of my parents generosity) set up. That's right, as if my muscles weren't relaxed enough, I was now going to enjoy an hour long full body massage! Again, no details were left undone. The music was playing and the candlelight was flickering. When he was massaging my lower back he prayed for me and my healing. When he finished my lower back he lifts up our hot/cold bag, opens it, and pulls out hot towels to lay across my back!!! I was so amazed! All the details I would have never thought of. When my massage was over he told me that when he was planning this the Lord told him to massage certain parts of my legs and back to aid in my healing...a masseuse that is directed by the Lord...AMAZING!!! I pretty much felt like jello after that! I was and still am so overwhelmed by his love, his heart, his romance. I truly felt beautiful. He made me feel like a princess. I'm getting choked up just writing this!

After my massage it was time to pick up our precious daughter (who is teething horribly...sorry Moseleys...we owe you big). So I called in some Applebees takeout and we finished the night with good food and, of course, some Olympics. We curled up with each other and rested in each other's presence. God is good!!!

Tonight is a continuation of our anniversary with a wonderful dinner out at Tierra Oaks. I am sooooo looking forward to that!

Brams and the Olympics

2008-08-14T09:59:00.000-07:00

The Bram family has quite a history with the Summer Olympics. This is our 3rd Olympics together and it has never been a dull moment.

2000: We were celebrating our first year of marriage together!

2004: Matt relied on the Olympics while he was in St. Mary's Spine Center in San Francisco recovering from his disc replacement/back surgery while being fed solely through an IV.

2008: We are now watching our almost 10month old daughter have the attention span of an adult when it comes to watching the gymnasts do all of their twists, turns and flips (this proves she is definitely my daughter!).

I'm so curious as to where we'll be in 2012...2016...2020...

The time has come...

2008-08-12T10:07:00.000-07:00

Well, I normally don't blog about my family unless it has some deeper meaning or significance to it, but this one I must share...perhaps I'll find some hidden meaning in it...

Alyssum is finally crawling!!! We've been rooting her on for at least a month and a half now putting everything in front of her that might be the thing to give her the motivation to go forward (not backwards). It ended up not being anything fancy, just some small little bath toy that she wanted to put in her mouth. I think she is such a thinker that she really had to contemplate this crawling thing before she went for it. So yay for Alyssum.

Possible deeper meanings:

1. I thought it was pretty cool how the fact that everyone else's baby (even those much younger) were crawling way before she was and it didn't bother me at all. My daughter is her own individual that is going to do things in her own time. (serious)

2. Now she won't have emotional problems or speech development issues! (sarcasm to its fullest)

All About Attitude

2008-08-04T00:25:00.000-07:00

As some of you know we had quite a busy week last week. My parents were visiting from Sunday - Tuesday afternoon and then Matt's parents came Tuesday evening until Friday morning. A couple of things I must say first. 1. This was the first time Matt's parents met their granddaughter, Alyssum (they currently live in Kansas). 2. We love our parents very much and have amazing relationships all around...me with his parents, him with mine, and even my parents with his parents! We all love the Lord and His presence is evident through these relationships. We always feel super blessed when we think about this, especially after hearing horror stories from friends regarding in-law relationships and even more so when grandkids are involved.

So on that note, this must have seemed like a wonderful opportunity for the enemy to come in and try and ruin what potentially could have been an awesome week to bring glory to the Lord. And I must say he was relentless. He knew obvious, outright tactics would be easily shielded or fought off so he had to go another route; an underlying route. So what better way than to attack me in my sleep. He would attack me as I drifted off to sleep. He would attack me in my dreams. He would attack me right before I woke up for the day. And knowing how God speaks to me through dreams, he knew to keep these attacks camouflaged through feelings. They seemed more like suggestions of feelings so when I would wake up in the morning my whole attitude was already negative, bitter, sour, doubtful, untrusting of others, etc... And because I was the hostess and the primary caregiver to their precious granddaughter, he knew that if he could take me down, even just a little, then he could do a lot more damage.

Well, I was just taking the punches at first. But then after the third or fourth day of this, the pattern started to emerge. The Lord opened my eyes to what was going on and then gave me the strength, through His Word and singing praises to Him while in the shower, to defend against him. Praise God for it! He changed my attitude to align with His. So although it was busy, we all had the best week! It could not have gone any better. Alyssum loved all of her grandparents and was on cloud nine all week long. Also, I had some of the best conversations with both of our parents. We were encouraged by them and I believe they were encouraged by us.

Thank you Lord for protecting us and giving us your grace and strength to get through!

Prayer Request

2008-08-01T13:05:00.000-07:00

If you're reading this please take a moment and pray for my dad (and all the firefighters for that matter) as he was just called to go to the Mariposa fire (the one by Yosemite National Park). Most people don't know that there have already been a couple of firefighters that have died on all these fires on the west coast. It is very dangerous stuff and all of your prayers of safety and protection are greatly appreciated!!! Thank you so much!!!

Desolate? Controlling? or Both?

2008-07-16T23:19:00.000-07:00

The third chapter of Captivating discusses how women, in our sin nature, because of the fall/curse, tend to either be contolling or we become desolate and withdraw all together. In talking about this today with a few friends, it seems that we all had a little of both; well, we may have favored one over the other, but we still went in both directions. The most common tactic seemed to be that we withdraw from others and protect our vulnerability by not even giving others a chance to hurt us and then we become controlling with our immediate surroundings,i.e our homes, family members etc., to help us still feel like we are in control and that we are choosing to live like this.

But this is not what we really want! We just feel alone, abandoned, and not good enough.

This is not how God created us!

If we felt lovely, beautiful, wanted, if we felt truly at rest with how God created us, then we wouldn't feel the need to control; we wouldn't feel the need to withdraw. It seems that the need to feel wanted is the most common issue at the moment within our church body. For months now so many of us have struggled with feeling like we aren't wanted by others. Although this issue will never be 100% gone until we are with the Lord, I have to say that I am so proud of us Stirring ladies speaking out about this; we are being honest; we are being vulnerable; we are fighting against the enemy and he is losing ground fast! Keep up the fight ladies. Let your warrior princess out and allow your beauty to shine through...we need it...I need it...our men need it...our kids need it...our church body needs it...the world needs it!

Discussion: Ephesians 4:1

2008-07-16T14:57:00.000-07:00

There is a verse in Ephesians that has stood out to me since last summer. Since we are going through Ephesians right now in church, I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to begin a discussion about it. Here is the verse:

"Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God." Eph. 4:1 NLT

When you read this, what does it mean to you? What is the first thing you think of? How does God speak to you in this verse?

I would love to hear your thoughts!

Characteristics of God

2008-06-24T12:36:00.000-07:00

Well, now that I'm reading through Captivating again, for the fifth, sixth or seventh time, yet again something stirs in me...perhaps my heart and my passion that God has given me for this lifetime, but whatever it is, it is energizing! I'm also amazed at how I can read through a book so many times and have it move me and teach me in new ways every time. So just to give credit where it is due, my upcoming blogs (whatever they may be) will most likely reference that book...alot! On with this blog...

There is a song that we sing at church quite often that speaks the same thing to me everytime. We sang that song this past Sunday, and yet again, the Lord reminds me of the same message. I don't know the name of the song, but the chorus goes something like this:

I want to hear the thunder of where you are
To be captured inside, the wonder of who you are
I want to live
I want to breathe
to search out your heart and all of your mysteries

I think it is more common for us to see what traits of God that a man has; man was made in God's image, and although the word "man" is supposed to represent "mankind", sometimes I think it is easy to forget that woman was made in God's image too. We never hear that phrase "woman was made in God's image". I don't care that we use the word "man" to mean "mankind", I just think it might help remind us ladies that we bear certain characteristics of God...characteristics that men don't have...and that makes us unique and very important.

So back to why this song is important to me. We often hear, speak, and sing of God as a warrior; He defends us; He battles for us; He rescues us; He saves us. We are His bride. But this song represents to me characteristics of God that women have. God longs for us to love Him, to seek after Him, to be captured by who He is. If you think about it, this is what a woman longs for too. We are often condemned for being too complicated and mysterious. Because of this we often feel like we're too much or we're not worth the effort. Therefore, we either lower our standard and just let anyone in or we put up a wall and let no one near. But it shouldn't have to be like this. The mystery of a woman should be celebrated...God created us this way...in His image. When a woman feels sought after, that her heart is genuinely being searched for, that someone is longing to know who she is, and then when that person is really captured by what they find, it is then that a woman feels most alive, most loved, and truly content. I guess this is a good definition of what it means to be romanced. It's not the receiving of the flowers and candy that romances us, it's knowing that someone wants to do those things for us that truly melts our hearts. It is the same for God. He doesn't want our acts of service or our money, He wants us to want to serve or to give. But this isn't just for romantic relationships. I think this goes for friendships as well. To know that I have a friend or friends that would truly want to know who I am does the same for the heart. Also, being rejected by a friend leaves similar wounds.

So, if you're a woman reading this, reread the chorus above and pretend like it is a poem from someone (romantically or from a friend) written to you. Doesn't it just melt your heart?

My Body...A Temple? Part 2

2008-06-08T15:25:00.000-07:00

So the thoughts behind this blog have been stirring around in my head for a couple of weeks now, but after Nate's message last Sunday, I don't want to wait any longer (although this is the first time this week I've actually had time to write).

To answer my previous question: 'does the battle get easier if I make my health about Him?' ...the answer is a resounding YES! Here's why:

First, my focus is on Him which means my mind is not consumed with all of my imperfections and all of the thoughts that keep me from being content. Now, because my focus is on God and not myself does that mean that I don't care about feeling beautiful? ABSOLUTELY NOT! God created me with the desire to feel beautiful (Captivating is one of my favorite books). Here's the thing, even though the gym feels like a distant memory now and my newly developed muscle tone is turning to mush, I've never felt more beautiful in my entire life! And I know some of you are thinking, "I'd feel beautiful too if I had your body"(you know who you are), but you wouldn't if your focus wasn't on the Lord. I know because I wouldn't be content or feel completely beautiful right now if it weren't for Him; I would find something to complain about and my many imperfections would be my focus. I still admit that getting hit on during a girls night out and supermodel comments (thanks Anna) are esteem boosters, but I don't need them to compensate for negative thoughts...they're just icing on the cake.

Second, because my mind is filled with more of God than with me, I seem to think about food a lot less...which means the temptation level goes way down...which means my fight is a lot easier! The result of all this is that now when I do splurge some I actually enjoy myself and don't feel guilty when it's all over.

End result: I feel like I'm experiencing a new sense of freedom. My outward appearance hasn't changed much, but my perception has! I guess I'm seeing myself more and more as God sees me!

Thank you, Lord, that in your presence I lack nothing!

Emotional Honesty, Part 2

2008-05-28T10:33:00.000-07:00

For those of you that read my previous blog:

It is amazing how God always speaks to us through His word! This was His word for me in response to my pouring out to Him:

"Physical training is good, but training for godliness is much better, promising benefits in this life and in the life to come."
~ 1 Timothy 4:8, NLT

Thank you, Father!

Emotional Honesty

2008-05-23T12:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the day...the day to practice what I preach.

Last week I was able to encourage a dear friend who is going through a tough season of, we'll call, perserverance strengthening. The word was for her to be honest with herself in what she was actually feeling; not trying to positive talk her way through a moment of doubt, but to acknowledge it, to accept it, to embrace it. I wanted her to know that doubting God and doubting His plan didn't make her a bad christian; that if she was feeling beat down she didn't have to ignore those feelings or pretend that they weren't there. In fact, if she were to acknowledge them and take them to God (by praying, shouting, screaming, crying, etc...) that He would gladly take them from her and then He would be able to strengthen her in that weakness.

Well, like I said, it was time to practice what I preach. With my disabling back spasm, the past week has actually been amazing. I have felt so close to the Lord, closer to my husband, and completely humbled by those helping me with everyday tasks. But then along came Tuesday. I thought that I had been making small improvements, but when I woke up that morning, I was already in pain; I had regressed. I immediately felt defeated and hopeless. Thinking back to my recent advice, I decided that I needed to force myself to take it to God and not ignore my negative thoughts and pretend that they weren't there. So I sat on the bed, looked out the window, and cried.

In between my begging God to heal me and telling Him all the things that I couldn't do, the thoughts that poured out of my mouth were as follows: Why aren't you healing me? Have I not learned my lesson? What are you trying to teach me that I'm not getting? Am I being punished? Why is it that everytime I try to get into a sport or something physical it is taken away from me? I want to succeed and don't want to give up this time. Am I not taking care of my house good enough? Was I not being a good steward of my body? What is it? Why? Please,God, please!

The most overpowering mindset that I had was that I was doing something wrong that God was punishing me for, or some sin He was trying to rid me of. Which is interesting because the night before I had just read in 2 Corinthians how Paul had begged God 3 times to take away the thorn in his side and each time the Lord responded by telling him that His grace was sufficient and His strength is perfected in his weakness. And even before that Paul was explaining how works and following the Law does nothing for salvation. So wouldn't the opposite be true? Of course it is. All of these irrational thoughts are about me...not Him. These thoughts are suggesting that I'm still living under the law and not under His grace.

Regardless of this truth, I wasn't able to get there until I unloaded all of my emotions and irrational thoughts. And who better to unload them on than the One who can actually handle them...my Father in heaven. I have to admit that I didn't feel all better when I was done. In fact, I didn't feel any better, just drained. It wasn't until the next day that I felt my spirits lifted, and not so much that I was on top of the world, but just enough to get my eyes back on the Lord; just enough to have a little hope again; just enough to see His strength being perfected in my weakness.

My Body...A Temple?

2008-05-16T15:47:00.000-07:00

So I'm sure we've all read the verse in 1 Corinthians 6 that says,

"19 Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, 20 for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body."

Right? So why is it so hard to actually follow through with this. I realize that Paul was speaking specifically about sexual sin because that is probably the sin the reaps the worse consequences. But what about everything else that pertains to our bodies in which the consequences might not be immediate or even obvious?

For the past few months this battle has taken a forefront in my mind. Many of you know that I have worked hard to get back in shape after Alyssum's arrival, and I've been very happy at my success. I felt strong, beautiful, and better than I had in a long time. And to be completely honest, I had more motivation now because, being a mom, hearing those words, "Wow, you just had a baby?!" made me feel accomplished. I was pushing myself athletically more than I had since I was 8 years old wanting to be the best gymnast ever! But ever since I hurt my knee it has been one thing after another keeping my efforts squashed down. I could barely walk let alone work out. And for some reason the more I sat doing nothing the more I wanted to eat (boredom). Once I got out of that rut (thanks Kathyemma for the motivation and for sticking with me even though I looked like a complete dork with my knee brace), I got the stomach flu and now my low back is in such a spasm that once again, I can barely walk. WHAT THE HECK?!?! I felt defeated.

But God, in His perfect wisdom, reminded me of this verse. What stuck out to me the most was that my body is not my own...wow...heavy. It is a temple of the Holy Spirit. So why is it easier to be "green" with taking care of the Earth, but such a battle to take care of my own body. Is it like taking care of the gardens outside of the temple, yet as soon as you go inside it is thrashed. I mean should it be this hard to say no to more food than I need...to say no to the wrong food? Of course, I don't mean for good, but everything in moderation, right? So why does that excuse always win out...am I really estimating what is a healthy moderate for myself? Am I really practicing self control when I eat just a little something bad-- everyday? And it's even harder when we think that weight is the only consequence...or at least the only consequence that might motivate us to do something.

All of this to say that it is not about what size I am. It's not about whether I still have cellulite or not. Heck, it's not even about me. It's about Him! He has given me a lot of knowledge about how He has created me, therefore, I must be a good steward of it; I must do everything I can to take care of His body so He can use it at it's maximum capacity. My body is for His glory, not mine! What if I choose to be healthy for His sake and not mine? Will that make this battle easier? We shall see!

A mini crocodile and a purple lizard

2008-05-05T15:44:00.000-07:00

When I sleep, I dream...a lot! Good dreams, bad dreams, weird dreams. No matter what kind of dream, it is always vivid. Along with these dreams, I also have dreams from the Lord. Usually it is really obvious which dream is from God and which dream is from my own crazy mind. The dream I had a couple of weeks ago wasn't so obvious.

The Dream

I was walking through a neighborhood headed for home. As I was about to cross the street I noticed there was a big puddle in the middle of the street. Splashing in the puddle there was a mini croc chasing its prey. It was running super fast in circles, snapping its jaws nonstop, trying to catch its victim. I didn't really think anything of it (because crocs in suburbia is normal?!) and decided just to walk around the puddle to continue on my way. As soon as I got close enough, the mini croc saw me and decided that I was much bigger and better than its current victim. Thus, it started chasing me, snapping with all of its might. I began to run, doing zig zag formations, jumping, anything to avoid being caught. After doing this for awhile, I turned around to look at this thing that had frightened me so much, only to discover that it had turned into a tiny purple lizard. It was still snapping its jaws at me, but now they were so small that even if it did catch me I probably wouldn't have felt a thing. I was relieved. Then I woke up.

Ok, not so obvious. This totally could have been just another crazy Sarah dream or some life changing message from the Lord. Because it wasn't obvious to me, I wasn't about to try and make something out of a possible nothing. So I went about my week.

Then along came a Saturday. A good day for the first hour or so...

Thoughts began to crowd my mind. Doubts. Uncertainty. Fears. The enemy began taking truths and twisting them just enough to fill me with turmoil. And he knew they would be hard to combat because the thoughts were based on facts. It came on so quickly I didn't even realize what had hit me. By the time I did, it was too late. My strength was sapped. Logic was overtaken by emotion. I was helpless. After I finished getting ready, I came downstairs and started crying, ruining the makeup I had just finished putting on. Matt became my listening ear. "I feel lonely. I feel rejected. How come everyone else seems to have that one or two really close friend/s that they do everything with and I don't? I know I have a lot of friends...and friends I can go to if I really need something, but no one that I'm super tight with. I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't have that. What's wrong with me? This is just like high school. I was everyones friend, but no ones close friend. Am I not good enough to be someones close friend? How come no one desires a friendship like that with me? I feel rejected." I know, it sounds sad and pathetic and totally out there, but emotions were in complete control, along with the enemies lies. My poor husband was trying to understand, but he honestly couldn't understand why I was feeling this way. After comforting me, his man-thinking skills kicked in to high gear. "Do you really need a friend or a friendship like that? You have friends that you can do stuff with and you have friends that you can be vulnerable with. Isn't what your asking for unrealistic?" Logic, logic, logic. I heard him, but I didn't really hear him. C'mon ladies, how many of you really listen to reason when your emotions are running high? I was grateful for his effort, but I didn't feel any better. After stewing with these emotions for awhile it started to turn into bitterness. Knowing that we were going to a BBQ (courtesy of the Moseleys) later that day (which I tried to get out of, but Matt wouldn't let me), I began to go into self-protection mode; I put on my social mask again...one I hadn't worn in a few years thanks to the Lord's healing. But here I was again with this old familiar companion, my wall to keep others from rejecting me and hurting me. It was awkward. Those were 2 of the longest hours, ever. I didn't know how to act; I didn't know who to be. My foundational thought was once again, "Well, I'm obviously not good enough so I'll be who they want me to be." But I couldn't figure out who they wanted me to be or how they wanted me to act. Because I had been free of this foundational thought for a few years now, and had good practice at just being myself, I had lost the ability to mold into what I thought people wanted. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be rid of this so-called ability, but at the time it just caused more anxiety.

So when we got home from the BBQ, I was filled with so much anxiety, bitterness, and rejection that I headed straight for the gym to work it out. They were closed. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I came home even more frustrated. I felt like something was on me and I just wanted it gone. Matt says, "Just pray and rebuke it." Duh, right? I was so beaten down that I didn't even want to pray. I asked him to. I fought to even close my eyes, but then I did.

As he was praying the Lord reminded me of my dream. He began to interpret it. Me going home meant that I am on my way to becoming the complete person He made me to be; to be completely whole in Him. Of course, I won't be there until I die, but I'm on my journey nonetheless. The mini crocodile chasing it's prey is something that has been attacking our church body. For whatever reason he thought I would be a more satisfying catch and started after me. At this point, the Lord began speaking to Matt about forgiveness, grace, and mercy; that we should always show these to our friends and to our enemies. That no matter if what we are perceiving really is true or not, if we show these things the enemy cannot get a foothold, in our minds and in our relationships. The Lord showed me that my maneuvers to get away from the crocodile was what made it shrink into a tiny purple lizard with no power in its bite. These maneuvers were forgiveness, grace, and mercy. The Lord spoke to us both simultaneously, that this wasn't something to be rebuked, but our actions give it nothing to hold onto and therefore shrinks into nothing and leaves.

Wow, so whether what I'm perceiving about everyone else's friendships are true or not, and whether people really are rejecting me or not, I still must show forgiveness, grace, and mercy (even if there is nothing to forgive because it's about my heart, not theirs). It wasn't instant emotional relief, but I was back to myself (the more-like-Christ version of myself) in no time. Except this time I was truly free from my past. I was feeling strong and empowered. I couldn't believe that God had used me to rid our body of something like this (and I just mean this specific little creature; I know these thoughts and attacks will always come at us).

I couldn't wait to start sharing this with others. So I did. The response was surprising (which I'm not sure why!) . First of all, people's perception of me was radically different from my own. Secondly, I couldn't believe how many others were struggling with the same thing. The enemy was trying to keep us from each other; to keep us isolated; to keep us feeling alone, unwanted and unloved. He was telling us that we are the only ones, because...look...everyone else has their close friends...no one needs you. I'm done! I will listen to this lie no more. I am loved. I am wanted. No one is rejecting me. I am good enough. I do have something to offer. And when the real issues arise, let's be honest with each other; let's talk about it openly where God's light will shine on the situation. If we keep it in the dark then the enemy will come in and hide and we won't see it until it's blown out of proportion. We all have a place here. We are all wanted. We are all needed. We are all loved!

So that's it...my latest life changing, God experience. Please know that I didn't write this because I need affirmation. I'm confident. God has given me that. I just hope that this experience of mine will encourage you in whatever way needed. We are a family. I know this in my head, but I'm ready to start feeling it in my heart!

After this experience, I was reading in Romans and BAM...there it was...scripture to back it up. I'll put it down below if you want to read it.

P.S. I apologize to all of you that were at the BBQ that day. If I seemed weird, awkward, closed off, or cold, now you know why...it had nothing to do with you!

Romans 12
NLT

1 And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. 2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
3 Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us. 4 Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, 5 so it is with Christ’s body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other.
6 In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you. 7 If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. 8 If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.
9 Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. 10 Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. 11 Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. 12 Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. 13 When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.
14 Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. 15 Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!
17 Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. 18 Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.
19 Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say,
“I will take revenge;
I will pay them back,” says the Lord.
20 Instead, “If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads.”
21 Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.

I'm Here

2008-05-02T23:53:00.000-07:00

Peer pressure? Nah! It's more like encouragement. That's why I've decided to become a blogger. I love to write. And now that my mind is no longer plagued with pregnancy horomones and living in survival mode with a newborn, my mind has come alive again. I've been out of school for 1 1/2 years and won't go back for a little while, so that outlet is no more. So friends have been encouraging me to start a blog.

If you read the 'about me' section then you have an idea of what my blog will be. I have so many dreams (sleep dreams) and interpretations, thoughts, questions, God lessons that I want to share with everyone or even shout from the rooftops, that I just can't hold it all in anymore. And when one friend is encouraged by my life I wonder who else could be encouraged by it. And when I hear over and over that so many people are struggling with the same things that I'm struggling with, I want to bring us all together so we all know we're not alone (like the enemy likes us to believe). I want lies from the enemy and lies from our flesh to be brought into the light and expelled from our minds and our hearts. I'm tired of us all feeling alone. Well I say NO MORE! I'm willing to be vulnerable. I would much rather be judged or criticized on parts of me that are actually true then judgements that are not based on the truth. Call me crazy, but I'm just sick and tired of dealing with lies. Let's be honest, truthful, open and keep things in the light!

I look forward to all of the deep conversations we will have. I also look forward to becoming more like Christ in the process!

P.S. I do already know what my first real post will be...it's coming soon.